Category: near and dear

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the wednesday run-down

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Today, there are 5 distinct thoughts running through my head, so I thought I would give you a run down. In summation, here it is: 1) come on Dems!, 2) get this CD NOW, 3) examining relationships, 4) buying too much stuff?, and finally 5) comments on TV things. Let’s get started, but let’s keep it brief.

First of all, most people don’t think that I am critical (enough) of the Democrats actions. They are wrong. This is just great; now we can EXPECT an attack on Iran. Why were these guidelines abandoned? This just seems to keep getting worse and worse; if we don’t at least put caps and regulations on things, then things will continue to go in the same direction, and there will be NO changes. That can’t be allowed to happen! We need to send a message, that is LOUD and CLEAR to the president; no more occupation! No more war! Things just seem to be idling along, while real action needs to be taken. This is seriously disappointing, to say the least. UGH. We need some people that will take real action, fast.

In lighter fare, I am proud to announce the American release of a GREAT UK artist’s sophomore disc, entitled Back to Black. It is none other than the fantastical Amy Winehouse, and you must do yourself a favor and buy this CD today. It is only $8 at Target and Best Buy, and it is definitely $8 well spent. Let’s show our appreciation for bringing great artists to our shores, rather than leaving them as imports. Amy’s voice is an old classic voice, much like Billy Holiday, and it has power, class, soul, and life. The music is fantastic, like a hip hop jazz, and you will enjoy this if you enjoy great music. Do yourself a favor and pick it up today!

Relationships. UGH. Sometimes they are great. Sometimes they suck. Sometimes you realize that certain relationships in your life are not worth fighting for, but for whatever reason, they go on, because you let them. You don’t want yourself to be like them, so you do your part; even when they don’t do theirs. All that leads to is frustration, and the occasional cryptic portion of a blog post. I am just wondering what I will do next time they take it upon themselves to call. Perhaps I will just let it go for months on end, as it seems they prefer to do themselves; or maybe I will do what I did this time, and just suck it up, and sit through another fake attempt to maintain something that isn’t really there in the first place. Oh well… we’ll see. Relationships can really take it out of you. Thank God for the good ones.

I spent a lot of money yesterday and goodies that made me feel better. Sometimes, you just gotta pull out that card and swipe it. I am glad that I did, but I need to calm down. This is kind of a suggestion and a reminder of that need. Retail therapy! WOO!

Finally, I just want to say this, if you watch 24, were you not extremely excited that Martha came back this week? Even more than that, can you BELIEVE what she did to Logan?!?!? I LOVE YOU JEAN SMART!!!! YAY! Also, if that Sanjaya Malakar makes it through, I will be PISSED. Melinda, girl, you are my favorite, and I hope you win. Lastly, I wouldn’t mind having a three-way (or a four way if James wants in) with Chris Richardson and Blake Lewis. Those boys are hot AND they can sing!

Hope everyone is having a great hump day! That’s the run-down! I’m out!

all about me, near and dear

where oh where did my willpower go?

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I used to be Mr. No when it came to bad foods.

French Fries? None for me, thanks.

Cheeseburger? No thanks, I’ll have the salad.

Pizza? Are you joking? I’ll just skip it, I’m not even hungry anyway.

But lately, and over the past year or so, my willpower has all but disappeared. We eat pretty much whatever comes up as a craving, or whatever is easiest to prepare, and more often than not, that includes foods that I would normally have been able to pass on for a healthier option. Now, we don’t really go crazy, and like eat fried chicken and pizzas every night, but more often than not, I seem to find myself unable to say no to things, and I end up eating even if I am not hungry. Kind of like when you go to a Mexican place, and you tell yourself you won’t eat any chips, and the next thing you know, your hand is in the basket like everyone else’s.

I have started to notice, much more than before, that my clothes don’t fit anymore. Stuff that I bought 6 months ago doesn’t fit anymore. I put on a shirt that I hadn’t worn in a while the other morning, and it was like putting on a little kid’s shirt. I almost freaked out. I am not saying that I think that I am fat, because even though I have gained a staggering 50-60 lbs from when I was at my target weight (several years ago), I have been told more than once that I carry it well. But I am getting tired of carrying it around.

Yes, I know that my willpower is to blame here. Not just with food, but definitely with booze. I am going to lay off of the beer for a little while, and try to stop drinking as often. Hey, drinking every day is fun, but we need to scale back (I guess). If there was only a calorie free alcohol option… *googles it*… oh well. At least there’s only 55 calories in a shot of Vodka… and if you have it with a diet drink, you are actually doing a good thing, right? No? Oh well, we will work on Mr. Willpower coming back onto the scene, so that we can say no to the booze (baby steps), as well as to the bad foods.

I have decided that it is time to get serious, and perhaps even drastic here. I am going to UP my workout schedule significantly, and I am starting on one of those fancy-schmancy diet supplements (from what I can tell by the ingredients, it is mostly green tea). Let’s see if we can find the old duane somewhere inside of the new, more plump duane. He wants to come out and where those clothes that fill most of our closet.

Anyone else experiencing a period of fatness? What are you doing to rid your body of the extra you?

all about me, is it just me?, near and dear, that is so gay, tragic

sad… so, so sad… does it at least make you feel better?

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What I want to write about today is something that may or may not be taken in the right way, and frankly, I am not going to let that stop me from saying it. First of all, while I fully admit, and own the fact that I am not the most secure person in the world, I try really hard not to let my insecurities get the best of me. I tend to be the person that speaks the loudest in a group, and sometimes, that makes me wonder if I am going a little too far, and so, I feel insecure. Sometimes, I feel as if I have crossed a line, and annoyed someone, and when my insecurities kick in, it has me apologizing for my actions, and trying desperately, to “fix” whatever has happened; rather than just believing them when they say that everything is fine. It is something that I am working on, and probably will always work on, but it is mine, and that I understand and accept it. The most important part of the insecurities I have about myself, is that I never let those insecurities turn outward, into hate, fear, jealousy, or disrespect. I never let insecurities that I have for myself turn outward on others in a negative way, by trying to mask my insecurities by making fun of others. While I don’t agree with everyone, I try my best to avoid picking on others, and especially, I try very hard to prevent disrespecting other people; simply because I understand what it is like to have insecurities, and more importantly, I don’t think that anyone deserves to be made fun of, either as a mechanism of covering your own feelings about yourself, or as a mechanism for making yourself feel better by degrading another human being. In the cases where I have given in to my insecurities, and used them for hateful and spiteful reasons, I find that I feel worse than if I would have just dealt with it myself. Picking on and degrading others has never made me feel better; nor should it, it is just plain wrong.

What I don’t understand, is how the perpetuation of hate, fear, and insecurity by degrading others actually makes people feel better about themselves. I truly believe that everyone deserves to be respected; and don’t take this in the direction of the governmentally appointed rights, because that is not what I am saying. I believe, that has human beings, we all deserve the right to be ourselves and have the respect of others; regardless if it is approving or simply letting us be. For example, being gay, I understand wholly what it is like to be hated because of who I am; but I honestly believe that no one deserves to be in that position, and most importantly, that the hated being directed onto people doesn’t have to exist. You don’t have to agree with being gay to not hate gay people; you can simply let it be, keeping your hatred from hurting someone else. But unfortunately, for many people, they feel better about themselves when they harm, insult, and pick on gay people. Whether this comes from fear, hatred, or insecurity (or all three plus other issues) is different for each one of those people, but it still surprises me that so many people can justify to themselves that disrespecting and picking on others is okay. Perhaps more importantly, I am surprised that they use disrespect and hurtful actions towards others, as a mechanism for masking their own negative feelings of themselves.

These people are running away from themselves and what they feel, by making others feel just as bad as them. They believe that if they pick on, and make fun of others, that when the person being picked on feels bad, it will will somehow level the feelings of hurt, and diminish what they feel inside. They attempt to take away some of their pain, by inflicting it on others. While many people do this all of the time, I just want to know; what is it in your life that you are so afraid of, or are so insecure about, that you need to hurt others to feel better about yourself? And, most importantly, does it really make all of those things that are hurting you melt away?

I ask this, today, because I know of more than a few instances where I have been the subject of someone’s ridicule for no reason, other than to somehow make them feel better. When I was in school, life was a living hell for me, because the entire school thought it was awesome to pick on me. I was an easy target, because I was obviously gay, and somehow, people believed that if they channeled their anger and insecurity onto me, they would feel better about themselves. What I have come to realize about people that do this, is that those people are really just afraid of dealing with their own issues, and so they point out and ridicule others. It makes them feel better. And you know what? That is really, really sad. I truly feel sorry for people that deal with this, and as someone who has been on, and continues to be on, the receiving end of the ridicule, I share in the pain that victims of these perpetrators feel. I feel disgusted and hurt when people pick on me, and my first reaction, is to lash back out at them; but, I have realized that doing that will not make me feel any better. What they are trying to do is cover their insecurity and fear within themselves, by turning it into hate, and using that hate on me. By being hateful back, I become no better than them. And I certainly don’t want to find myself being as sad and pathetic as they are; trust me, I have enough insecurities, there is no need to add more.

My main reason for me wanting to write this post, is partly to prove to myself that I am mature enough realize that being ridiculed and disrespected by things that people say and do to hurt me in order to make themselves feel better, makes them the one that is sad and pathetic, and not me. I am the one that maintains my own ability to feel good about myself, and it is strengthened by understanding that those people are just doing this out of fear and insecurities they have within themselves. I believe that all people, deep down (even you dave!), are good people. That is what keeps my hope alive for human kind. But, I realize, that not everyone is like me, and not everyone seeks to help others and build them up, but instead, for reasons relating to the views they have of themselves, that they have to hurt others to make themselves feel better. While I do hope that it makes people who do this sort of thing feel like a better person, I can’t help but feel sorry for them, because if that is what they rely on to make themselves feel better in life, they really do have a sad and pathetic way of living. I hope that I will remember and utilize this philosophy in the future when people decide that they want to hurt me or ridicule me for their own gain; because I will then be able to turn my hurt and pain into feelings of sadness and sorrow for that person, because they are truly the ones that are hurting.

It really is too bad that I didn’t know about this when I was in school. Either way, I honestly wish that this was something that all kids knew, and perhaps, with the knowledge about people on both sides, we can all come to the middle, and the hurting can stop. But until that time, there will be the sad and pathetic that seek out to hurt those that are already dealing with their own issues, rather than putting them off on others, and I have no control over their actions. What I can control, is I can realize and embrace the fact that, those of us that are dealing with our issues are the strong ones, and that we are the ones that don’t need anyone to feel sorry for us, because we are dealing with it, rather than using it to hurt someone else.

all about me, near and dear, show the love

randomly remembering childhood things

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This morning, I was looking through digg like I usually do, and I saw a link for “interesting statues from around the world”. Interested (ha!), I checked it out, and to my surprise, one of the statues was of the Japanese anime character, Mazinger Z. Now, I am sure that many of you read that, and were like, WTF is Mazinger Z? Seriously? That’s what I said too, because to me, the statue looked like the robot on a show I used to watch called Tranzor Z; which I quickly learned was the same as Mazinger Z, essentially, translated for the US. I don’t remember much about this show, but often when I have thoughts (albeit very few thoughts remain of childhood) of my childhood, this is one image that I distinctly remember as a good memory. I remember watching the show, and seeing the image again made me happy to put a name with that image I have had in my mind for so long. I have even mentioned that show to other people in the past, only to be met with a puzzling look, because everyone I have ever asked has never heard of Tranzor Z. I thought it was awesome that I was able to find it randomly this morning, and it got me thinking about other stuff I loved when I was a kid. (I also looked on ebay and amazon to see if I could get DVDs, but I didn’t see anything worth exploring… other than some Spanish dubbed bootlegs).

Interestingly enough, just the other day I mentioned, in the post that I made about the movies I was interested in checking out, that while the Transformers remake is exciting the hell out of people on the internets, I would love to see a Thundercats movie. When looking into Mazinger Z, I totally flashed back on all of my Thundercats toys, and the fun that I used to have watching that show as well. Now, Thundercats wasn’t the most fantastically produced show, and the dialogue between the characters is pretty juvenile, but to a kid, it is awesome; as it was to me when I was a kid. The cool thing about Thundercats, is that they have been releasing Thundercats DVDs for the past couple of years, and at some point, I may be overcome with nostalgia, and have to snag a set or two. And because my mind works like a snowball rolling down a hill, that got me thinking even further about childhood nostalgia, and got me seriously wondering; where the hell are the Silverhawks (DVDs at least)?? I mean, the Silverhawks came a few years after Thundercats, and was essentially the same show, but with hawk/human hybrids in space (although, when I was little, I apparently wasn’t aware of this, and if I was, I certainly didn’t care); so it should have a similar fan base (even though it apparently wasn’t as popular), and market for DVDs or other stuff.

For those of you that didn’t watch Silverhawks, let’s take a second to compare the two. Both shows had sage-like guidance from an older/deceased counsel (Jaga for TC, and Commander Stargazer for SH), they both had a range of characters that fought on the same team that had similar characteristics (being that they all were cat/human or hawk/human hybrids), and surprisingly, they had almost identical foes, with the Thundercats fighting Mumra, and the Silverhawks fighting Mon*Star; both of which transformed using some hidden power before facing the heroes. I watched a video on youtube of the intro to the Silverhawks, and really find myself wanting a set of these DVDs as well (not bootlegs)… and I only hope they make their way to DVD soon. There doesn’t seem to be much info on the web about the Silverhawks (other than it was a show, yadda yadda, and stuff I already know), but it is definitely planted deep in memory, and it is cool to randomly remember things like this that I loved when I was a kid. Seriously, I was all about this stuff, I had the Thundercats lair with all of the action figures, and I had several Silverhawks as well. Luckily, I still have my Liono, and the picture I took of him serves as my icon in many places; I just wish I had all of the other ones!

It is interesting how something so innocuous can jog a memory of something that you loved in your past. Mine was a statue of a character from a cartoon that I can’t remember much of, other than the fact I loved it when I was little. Are there any things that you remember from your past, that you wish you could have (like DVDs or whatever)? What were your favorites from childhood? I hope that I can find more stuff, but at this point, I am just crossing my fingers and hoping for Silverhawks on DVD at some point in the near future, and I may have to go ahead and give into that nostalgia and pick up the Thundercats as well.

is it just me?, listen up!, near and dear, that is so gay, venting

does it matter if it is fake, given that it happens all of the time?

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Dave emailed me about this blog post earlier. I read it, and like the writer of the post, I felt sick. In fact, still do. I feel horrible that another person would suffer the fate of suicide, because of the lack of care and real love from their family. I feel awful that someone would take their life because they felt so alone and so misunderstood, that they became depressed to the point of suicide. And probably even worse, is that I feel angry that people like this boy’s mother continually do this same sort of thing over and over, causing more and more kids to go through similar scenarios; many of which end with the same conclusion.

The blog post I am talking about, is referring to a forum-posted story where a Christian Fundamentalist mother finds out her son is gay, he comes out to her, and she suggests therapy; only her response is to tell him the therapist is wrong for saying being gay is normal, and that he should instead not act on his feelings. The mother proceeds to turn her back on understanding her son, and ceases to be there for him emotionally; actions which stem from her fundamentalist beliefs. Unfortunately, the result, is that her son commits suicide, leaving her wondering why he resorted to such a drastic response to her lack of understanding.

Now, while I feel the same things that probabilityzero felt, hurt, anger, disbelief, disgust; I couldn’t help but notice something eerily consistent in the comments both on his website, and on digg (where it no doubt made its way due to how interesting it was, I assume): many of the people commenting are way too focused on whether or not the story is actually true. People are going so far as to chastise the writer of the post for his feelings about this occurrence on the grounds that the story might not be true. I have a huge problem with that, mainly because even if this story isn’t true, this sort of thing happens all of the time!! It is known that the suicide and attempted suicide rates among gay and lesbian teens is higher than any other group of adolescents, and in many instances, these actions are due to religious persecution and self hatred stemming from families that refuse to understand their children.

While it angered me to see people chastising the boy for being gay, seeing people agree with the actions of the mother, and even seeing people say that the mother was in no way to blame for the death of her son, it bothers me more that people would focus on this not being an issue, simply because the instance may or may not be a real life instance. This type of thing is exactly what I encountered when I wrote that post about Donnie Davies from yesterday; while he may or may not be real, people like him exist and do the same things that he is doing, for real. While this woman may or may not have posted a true story about her religion getting in the way of her love for her son, and the subsequent consequences of her actions, there are parents that are making the same decisions and doing the same hurtful things to children all over the world, for real.

This issue of religious fundamentalism and the judgement that stems from it is something that makes me so angry, but at the same time, incredibly sad. I was lucky enough to escape most of the religious persecution many gay youth encounter, only to impose it upon myself when I was going through the process of coming to terms with my own sexuality. I thought of suicide many times, and luckily, I never attempted it; but there are many that are not so lucky. I remember what it felt like to be so utterly alone and afraid that my being homosexual was a sin, so much that it was an actual physical pain in my body. I hated myself for who I was, and it cost me a lot of self respect, happiness, and time; but luckily, it didn’t cost me my life. No one should have to go through this alone, and this boy unfortunately did; because his mother turned her back on him when she denied who he was. Her actions forced his depression to grow, and he wasn’t able to overcome it. Whether or not this boy is real, there are many other boys and girls out there that are just like him, feeling those feelings, and experiencing that same depression.

If I had my way, there are a few things that would happen, relating to this true or untrue story. One, I continually hope that religious fundamentalists would actually practice what they preach (i.e., love is supposed to be absolute, not a pick and choose issue-based thing) and stop using religion to discriminate anyone because of who they are, or who they believe themselves to be. Two, I wish that people could stop focusing on whether or not one instance of something like this is real or not, especially when this is just an example of a very real problem occurring right now all over the world. And three, I hope that all kids out there struggling with their sexuality that face this sort of persecution and ignorance will have the strength to make it through their depression and live their lives happily. One of the worst things that ever happened to me was living in the closet, and I am grateful that somehow I was able to make it out; I wish the same for everyone else that struggles with this issue.

all about me, james says, near and dear

insecurities gone too far

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It started innocently enough, it started with a plan to spend the day together.

Things were going great; playing video games, going to visit some friends, planning what to eat for dinner, and talking about what movies to watch.

The evening went on, you cooked me dinner, and we watch our shows together. The day went so well, and I have had such a good time, with you.

And then you did it. You let your insecurities go too far. You asked me if I had faked being happy. You asked me if I had faked being happy. You wanted to know whether I would rather have spent my time somewhere else, or with someone else. But what you didn’t know, is that I was happy, and I was right where I wanted to be.

When things start out so well, we don’t know where they will go. Hopefully, they can just happen, and we can just be together and enjoy it is for what it is; but that didn’t happen this time. You let your insecurities get the better of you, and what happened, is, even though you said you were sorry, they hurt me. What you should know, is that you have no reason to be insecure with me, I love you. I am not going to change that; but I can’t go on being second guessed. I understand a reason to be weary of love; it involves taking a huge gamble, but you have already won, there is no reason to worry. I need you to know that I can’t have you wondering if I would rather be elsewhere when I am with you. If I do want to be somewhere else, I will tell you, and I hope that will be okay, but that was not the case with today.

I believe there is definitely more work that we are going to have to do here. Definitely.

I just wish that we could co-exist, and have our time we spend together be good, and time we spend apart be good as well. I just wish that I could have some space when I need it, and it not carry the price of hurting you, or making you feel insecure; even during the times I am standing right beside you. I just wish…

all about me, is it just me?, near and dear

awoken to waking memories

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I had a meeting early this morning, and was anxious about getting up early enough to make it, so I ended up waking up around 5am. While I was laying there trying to fall back asleep, in between tossing and turning and poking James to make him stop snoring, my mind, for whatever reason, drifted to memories that I haven’t thought of in probably 8 or 9 years. Most of what I was thinking about, where memories that I have blocked out, due to the fact that I had a pretty crappy childhood (despite the fact that there were actually a few high points). These were mostly memories of middle school and high school.

Here’s what I remember of the memories that flashed through my head this morning:

  • I remember running for Treasurer when I was in middle school (don’t remember what year). WTF was I thinking? I also remembered the speech… I remember hearing the “F” word (not fuck, ya’ll) a couple of times as I took the podium. Nice. Kids are so kind aren’t they?
  • I remember getting into a food fight in the cafeteria, and having to do lunch detention for it. The problem I had with that, was that we had food thrown at our table every day, and that was the one day we just couldn’t take anymore, and my friend Shelly threw her pizza at the jerks that threw food at us all the time. They had to do detention as well, but we were blamed. It is always those that fight back that are blamed.
  • I remember getting into a fight with a kid named Chris, and literally kicking him in the stomach after I knocked him on the ground. He picked on me all of the time, and I thought kicking his ass would make me feel better; and at that moment, it did.
  • I somehow became friends with this really popular girl when I started high school, and I was invited to sit at the popular table. One day their table was too full, and so I went to choose another seat, and they all came over to sit with me; one by one. One of the other girls (not the one that I initially became friends with) noticed I was sitting somewhere else, and came over to sit with me, and so I asked her, “why aren’t you sitting with your friends?”, and she replied, “what do you mean, I am.”. I thought I would burst with happiness, and I still get a warm feeling when I think about it.
  • I once fell asleep in Geometry class, which wasn’t so bad, because I usually am a pretty silent sleeper; what made it bad, was the sound/sensation of me farting woke me up. That is still embarrassing, damn. I seriously don’t think anyone noticed though, so I guess it wasn’t that bad.
  • I remember in 7th grade, something happened with the government (I seem to believe it was war/attack related?), and my social studies teacher didn’t teach class, and held us in her classroom for most of the day (since it was where we were when “it” happened). She said that if we had activities we could work on, we were more than welcome, and she included using Walkmans. I, for whatever reason, had mine, and listened to the Young Guns II Soundtrack. I have no idea why I remember that detail.

With all of these random glimmers of memories from my childhood coming back this morning, I tried harder and harder to remember other things; but the weird thing is, I really can’t. It is weird how you can block out feelings and memories to cope with bad things that have happened in your life (like my sister not remembering anything to do with her car accident). Even weirder still, is that I can’t unblock them. Anyone else have this same experience with blocked memories? If so, why? I could go into more detail about the crappy childhood if you wish, but my anxiety is high enough today without delving deep into it; so I will start with just this glimpse into it.

all about me, mixed media, near and dear

painting as therapy?

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Last night, we had some friends over, and all of them saw my paintings and commented on how much they liked them (again), as well as the ones that are currently deemed “works in progress”. They also all wanted paintings for their houses (I will be happy to oblige), and wanted to know why I wasn’t painting currently. It got me to thinking; painting is a creative outlet for me, and is something that I actually do get joy out of the finished product. I get the chance to feel creative, and produce something that I am proud of. So why am I not doing it? Well, the fact is, this is just another symptom of that crazy depression; you lose interest in or the ability to do things you once loved doing. One of the first things I sadly lost was my interest in music; but luckily, I have managed to gain that back with a vengeance. But not without a little push from within myself.

Perhaps that is what I need to get me painting again… a little push. I am going to try and finish some “in the works” paintings that I have lying around today. Hopefully, this will be what I need to successfully move me back into yet another thing I love to do that has sadly fallen prey to anhedonia. Now if I could only get rid of all of the depression… ah, one step at a time. Now I gotta go paint!

As for the living room painting… we got bogged down yesterday and were unable to finish, so we decided to clean up instead and wait on the finishing touches. I will take some pictures of the product in its current state, because it looks great as is, and post those probably tomorrow. When you see them, you will just have to imagine them completely finished, okay?

Also, here is a link to the paintings I currently have completed and put online. Let me know what you think!

all about me, is it just me?, near and dear, the catch-all-egory

what does blogging mean anyway?

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I feel like lately, I haven’t had anything to say that would be worth reading. More importantly, I feel like the things I would write aren’t things people want to hear about anyway. Negative, negative, negative; sometimes, life can just be that way. But should that be what I am blogging about? Do people want to hear that stuff??? What does blogging mean anyway? What does it mean to you?

For me, I started this blog because I wanted to share my thoughts with the internets. I still feel that way just as strongly today as I ever did, but what I am going through right now prevents me from being able to focus in the ways I did in the past. It prevents me from opening a can of whoop ass if I need to, and it prevents me from even thinking sometimes. Sometimes, it is all I have not to just sleep the day away. But is that really what I should be blogging about? I know that I am in essence doing that very thing right at this very second, but I guess that is as good a way as any to bring it up, right?

I love my blog. I brings me a lot of joy. I hope others like it too. But I worry that I don’t have the right stuff to keep it healthy and thriving, you know? I also feel like I have lost so much by going through this craptasticness, and even though I want to just be like “stop idiot! let’s get back into the light!”, for whatever reason, I ain’t moving. I guess one good thing about that, is that it shows that I am not going anywhere (with regards to this blog and all), and that eventually, I will begin to see the landscape around me again… I hope.

near and dear

we’re back!

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First of all, for those of you that celebrate it, Merry Xmas…

Now that we have that out of the way… We are back from our whirlwind tour of NC. Overall, the dread that I felt quickly subsided, because I maintained control over the situation and stuck to my guns (we stayed in our hotel, not at my parents), which made everything much better. Also, it was really odd that the usual routine of guilt, criticism, and constant questioning and ignoring was pretty much out the window. Perhaps having a grandson is causing some changes in the family dynamic; for the better.

Either way, here is a bulleted list of my trip:
— Grandma made a video of her head on top of dancing bodies. It is hilarious. I have a copy on DVD. YES!
— My nephew Jackson is a HUGE baby. BUT, he is also completely adorable and insanely cute. He is also terrified of the TMX Elmo.
— I still don’t like pugs. My mom’s black pug Molly went after Sydney, and scared Sydney really bad. I haven’t heard him yelp constantly like that since the cat incident.
— Driving for 7 hours one way is not something I will consider doing again any time soon. I think that I may have to put my foot down and have people meet me in the middle or come to see me for a change. It is time, dammit.
— I really love my parents new house. It is HUGE. Too bad we couldn’t live there when I was young!
— I think that my father has found the son he always wanted in my sister’s husband. They get along so well, and talk to each other like father and son. That was interesting to watch. It doesn’t make me feel bad, but it was just interesting to see. At least it is good to know that he is actually capable of having those bonds with someone.
— My parents have like new everything… new TV, new car, new computer. I tried to hook up mom’s wireless internet with no luck; hopefully, she will call in and get that working herself.
— Also, I found out she reads my blog. Interesting. James and I talked about that, and thought perhaps this would be a starting point to discuss the feelings I have, and perhaps get them validated at some point. I think we are a ways off from that, but we will see. By saying what I feel in this format, I am getting it out there, and that is a good thing, but I can’t be expected to make all of the moves… there has to be a reciprocal discussion here.
— It was weird being around my family and not having the usual criticism and guilt thrown at me. Yes, the guilt was still there, but it was toned down considerably. Also, the criticisms where still there, but not at all like before. No one really had anything negative to say about my tattoos, which surprised me. That was really good. It is hard to be around people that only look at your flaws and then use them to hurt you. Perhaps they are learning how to stop doing that? Only time will tell.
— That’s really about it. I did hang out with a few friends the first night we got there (which was great), but other than that, all we did was family time. Lots of hanging out with Grandma and the rents. I also got to hang out with my nephew a lot, who is so adorable it was hard to put him down. My sister said that the reason she hasn’t sent us anything regarding Jackson, was because we hadn’t asked for it, and so she thought we weren’t interested. I nipped that guilt trip in the bud, and told her to send me all kinds of photos, no more guilt as an excuse to exclude me.

Overall, those were some highlights from the trip. I am glad to be at home and back in my own comfort zone, and I am sure it will be a long time before I go up there again. Either way, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, but that was because things were different this time. People have changed. I hope that those changes stick, and I hope they continue to move in a good direction; perhaps things can be salvaged after all. Only thing, is that it is going to take some reciprocation… now if we could only jump start that part of the deal. Oh well… one step at a time.

Merry Xmas ya’ll.