Author: duane

all about me

no more accidents, please!

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I am a very accident prone person. I always have been. When I was a TA in grad school, the professor I worked with, (my friend Kara) and I would have a little game each day on the way to class; we would see which one of us could make it there without running into something or falling down. Believe it or not, this was a difficult task for each one of us accident prone individuals. It’s amazing that I wasn’t hurt more seriously than the gymnastic injury I experienced when I was younger (ruptured disk in lower back); accident prone people shouldn’t be flipping around.

For the last few days, it seems that I have been having a few accidents. Saturday, and the pool party, the pool, as I discovered, is actually a rocky bottom pool; not a soft lined pool as I expected when I got a little too close with my face. So now, I have a big old scratch on the bridge of my nose. I didn’t hurt when I did it, but it looks bad right now. Drinking + Swimming = more likely to have an accident. Oh well. No harm no foul.

Then, on Sunday, I decided that a handful of chocolate Lucky Charms would satisfy my tiny craving for something sweet, and I tossed some in my mouth; only to chomp down directly on my tongue piercing and chip one of my teeth pretty badly. Now, I have to go into the dentist for the first time for something other than a cleaning. Let’s hope it doesn’t cost that much to fix. Speaking of which, the cost may determine whether or not the piercing stays in. Thoughts about that? I have had it since I was 18, so I guess chipping the tooth now (um, for the second time, same tooth, same reason) isn’t too bad of a track record though. Seriously, should I take it out, or leave it in?

Hopefully, I will not have anymore injury related accidents. And, I hope that my tooth fixing doesn’t cost a lot; the panic attack I had last week about money doesn’t need to come back. I also wanted to say thanks for all the kind thoughts about being so self conscious. I really appreciate it. I also found out yesterday at the doctor, that I have lost 8 pounds since the last visit (which was about a month ago). Maybe I will loose even more before the next one (in a month). One step closer to feeling better about myself!

all about me

thoughts on being so self conscious

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I am probably one of the most self conscious people alive. I worry about what people think about me. I worry about how people perceive me. I know that I shouldn’t give a shit, but you know what, I do. In fact, I think that for some people, it is actually a natural reaction. Perception causes me to doubt myself more than it should, and it sometimes can be something that is so big, that I can’t control it. Take for instance my appearance. By all accounts, most people would say that by looking at me, that I am not fat by any accounts. But, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the opposite. I see myself as very fat and wholly imperfect. And it totally affects how I act around other people. Sometimes, I find myself (unconsciously) seeking approval from people in order to calm down my own self consciousness. I know that this can be annoying to people, but the fear that I am flawed outweighs my better judgement, and that honestly bugs the shit out of me. I try really hard to tell myself that no one is perfect and that I should just get over it, but, at least up until now, that has never worked. I guess that I am not really seeking resolution here by talking about this, I am more just reflecting on something that really bugs me, that I feel like I have no power over.

Today, I am going to a pool get together, and already, I feel the self conscious bug creeping in. Drinking at the party will of course make me forget some of that self consciousness, but it will always be there, making me feel bad about myself. Isn’t anxiety and self deprecation a bitch? Is it worse for people that have a history of being made fun of and ridiculed as a child? I sometimes wonder if things would have been different growing up, if I would still be so self conscious. I also wonder if the pressures of society, and specifically gay society, weren’t so high, that I wouldn’t feel that need to be “perfect”. Well, I guess I will continue to wonder that as I get ready to go shirtless for the pool party. Maybe people will focus on the tattoo more than the extra 10 pounds I am lugging around. At least, I those are the words of wisdom I will use to calm my being so self conscious until the beer kicks in!

Note: This is in no means a ploy to get sympathy from folks, it is seriously a airing of my thoughts. This is something that bugs me every moment of my life, and I felt like sharing it, because, well, it is on my mind. Anyone else have thoughts on this? Have any of you overcome your self consciousness, and have great advice on how to do it? I am all ears.

is it just me?

um, yeah. no, seriously, WTF?

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I just read that Putin stopped in the middle of a crowd of people, bent down to a little boy, lifted his shirt, and kissed him on the stomach. Putin said that he wanted to touch the little boy “like a kitten”. (article) Does ANYONE else find this completely disturbing? I mean, there are people that do things like that here, and we call them child predators and/or molesters. Wow. I honestly don’t know how to feel about that.

Also, two states, including the lovely one that I live in, still don’t think that preventing gay marriage goes against civil rights. Not that it is a surprise to me, but it just makes me want to distance myself from the hope that we will ever get to have the same civil liberties as all the straight people around us. I just don’t understand what is so threatening about gay marriage, I mean, other than the fact that I stated before; that it would make more straight men want to divorce their wives to get married to gay men (because that is all that is stopping them from jumping on the cock). Either way, James and I will get married some day, mark my words; I just hope that we get the rights that come with it, like having my stuff will pass to him (or vice versa) without taxation, and that we will be able to receive each other’s benefits (like married couples do). Oh yeah, and that our children (very distant future) will be able to see their parents treated somewhat equally. We can hope, right? Well, not today, but hopefully someday.

I also have a headache and an upcoming conference call. Shit.

"pointless"

dreaming about crocs

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For some reason, I literally have been dreaming about crocs lately. I don’t know why. So, taking that as a sign that I probably needed some, I was going to write a post today about how I felt like I needed to go and get some crocs. Instead, I decided to go and get some. I love how buying things can make you happy! I know of one other blogger that has these same colored crocs, but I know that the bright orange can be a bit too bright for some… but not me. It is my favorite color, and I am excited that it comes in this color. Alright, enough about the damn shoes. Just know that I am glad I got them! Even though I used to think they were ugly! Now, I love ’em!

(as you can probably tell, there ain’t a lot going on with me right now. I’m just saying.)

"pointless"

what a filler of a day!

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Just waiting for tomorrow! Another day off in celebration of our nations birthday; aka, another reason to get drunk! Can’t wait for that! Tonight, we are hitting the drive in to see Superman Returns for John’s birthday, and tomorrow, well, we are getting drunk! Fun times.

I wish we had more national holidays. Also, since the holiday is here, and Best Buy needed a reason to put stuff on sale, they decided to put Showgirls on sale for like $6. James is getting it for me. Possibly the best Fourth of July present EVER. Anyone want to come over and watch Nomi do her thang? I know I do!

show the love

something that makes my life better

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Tide to Go. It makes my life better. In fact, it made my life better today. I went to lunch with some great friends, and as I was inching the massive sushi roll towards my gullet, the chopsticks slipped, and it plummeted into my tiny bowl of soy sauce, sending soy sauce rocketing out in every direction. Luckily, I didn’t get too much on Brian (sorry Brian!), and none on Lori, but most of it landed on my shirt. Now, those of you that know me IRL, know that I am pretty OCD. And, if it weren’t for the miraculous powers of Tide to Go, I would have literally gone to target or old navy and bought a shirt to wear back to work; I don’t play with the stains. But fortunately, it did work, and my shirt is stain free! Rock on! This is something that I will now always have in my car; forever.

britney n' k-fed

well, it worked for Demi Moore!

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Britney has decided to pose pregnant and nude on the cover of Bazaar magazine, a move that signaled a “comeback” of sorts, for the insanely beautiful Demi Moore. So, can we hope that this move by Britney will signal the same? Has her recent flirt with motherhood made her realize her crazy ways, and forced her to look at her life? Will it make her come back more fabulous and more diva than ever? Only time can tell. This move worked for Demi, and I surely hope it is a signal of good things to come from my Britney. Put your shoes on, throw Shawn in a shoulder harness, and get to the studio to do some recording!! We need you to top “Toxic”! I for one hope that this is a good sign from the Spears, now, if she would only dump that dump of a husband. Le sigh.

Completely unrelated… this is why I haven’t thought of anything to post; my mind is a blank. But, this game is insanely addictive. I haven’t mastered the angles yet, but I am getting better. Oh yes, I am. Check it out, you will get hooked. Anyway… off to screen on the green tonight to see Willy Wonka for the 1000 time… I just hope there aren’t too many kids out there. It is going to be bad enough that we will be hot, but screaming kids could only make it worse. See you guys tomorrow!

On final note, I really appreciate most of you being behind me on the kill that cat issue from yesterday, but I do want to stress that not only do I NOT hate cats, I don’t want to kill all of them; just this one. And I am working on that. Stay tuned.

venting

an end to the pussy

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This pussy’s gotta go. So, remember when I posted the oh so sad pictures of Sydney from a few days ago with the cone on his head? Well, I think that I discovered what happened to his ear. Last night, I came in from work, and I let him out so he could do his business. Well, about 30 seconds after he got through the dog door, I heard the loudest and most horrifying yelping coming from outside; it was Sydney. I freaked and ran outside, just in time to see him standing under the deck screaming for his life as a black cat ran out from under the deck. I chased the cat away, and went back to console the terrified little boy. Sydney not only pissed all over himself he was so scared, he literally trembled for about 30 minutes after, and wouldn’t go back outside alone. Upon further inspection, I saw that the cat took a chuck out of his side, but luckily, it wasn’t bad enough to warrant stitches. Oh hell no. That pussy is as good as dead.

Now, we have had problems with cats in the past, and I had a hard time coming to terms with sending a cat to their death at the “kill immediately” Dekalb Animal Services center. But not this time. That cat (and any other neighborhood pussy I can catch) is now going the way of the dodo. Now, before you try and talk me out of this decision, keep in mind, that this cat climbed our 8 foot fence to get inside our back yard, in order to attack my dog; twice. Well, not on my watch. Now that I know that there is a ravenous pussy out there trying to hurt my Syd (and has succeeded twice), the conscience that I had about killing cats is over. It is survival of the fittest; and I have a cage and Dekalb Animal Services on my side, pussy. Watch out puss, because it is ON.

mixed media

saying uncle to reality TV

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I resisted, effortlessly, for years. I admit, I never gave a shit about Survivor (still don’t). I never watched one episode of the Amazing Race. I have never found myself addicted to reality TV (with the exception of American Idol… which isn’t something I feel the need to watch, as much as, I will catch it when I can, and I want to know who wins type of thing). But the winds of change have come a blowing, and I have to say, I have started to crack. It all started when shows like Project Runway, and America’s Next Top Model crept their way into my season pass line up. These went from, “Oh, maybe we should watch”, to, “Oh no she didn’t! I wonder what is going to happen next week!”. And now, I find that since we have the ability to tape two shows at once (and, let’s face it, the severe lack of any “quality” programming on this summer), I find myself getting into more and more reality TV. As of right now, these are the shows that I am currently loving (in no particular order):
1) Treasure Hunters (This is like the greatness of the Mole mixed with the fast paced race of the Amazing Race. The intellectual reality game show is back!)
2) Last Comic Standing (Some of these people SUCK. Some of them are really funny.)
3) America’s Got Talent (this show is so bad, that it is almost good. I do hate David Hasselhoff, though.)
4) Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (Obviously my personal favorite)
5) So You Think You Can Dance (God save me.)
6) Almost any medical documentary-style show on Discover Health Channel. (I have recently been watching a lot of Mystery Diagnosis and Medical Incredible. I wonder what that means…)
7) Janice Dickinson’s Modelling Agency (So deliciously tasty, it must be bad for me.)
8) Miami Ink (I can’t tell you how much I love this show… I even watch the re-runs. Did it nudge me towards getting the quarter sleeve? Maybe…)

And of course, there are some non-reality shows that are fantastic, notably, the 4400. That show is awesome. A new season of Project Runway is right around the corner as well, and I may have to check out that Workout show that is going to be on Bravo. Lots of TV to watch; maybe it is the new TV that has gotten me to sit up and take notice… hmmm… What shows are you guys currently crushing on? Anything I need to check out? Like I need anything else to take up my time…

that is so gay

a weekend to be proud of

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This year’s pride wasn’t as exciting or entertaining as previous years, but that had a lot to do with the weather (Friday, the stage blew over, and Sunday, there was a torrential downpour during and after the parade) and well, my getting older (i.e., not able to drink all day AND night). But overall, I had a great time hanging out with friends, and enjoying the crowds. Saturday was the main day for us, and it was hotter than I believe it could ever be without the risk of me melting, but we managed to hang out in the park most of the day. After he left us, a good friend of mine did his part in getting back at the hateful protesters that always accompany pride. Here’s a picture of him doing us proud:

He apparently stood out there for about an hour, and endured this man pushing him in the back and saying hateful things to him the whole time. That was a pretty awesome thing to do, Josh.

Overall, I love that we have pride, and that it is such a big affair here every year. I hope that it only continues to grow, and we can continue to celebrate our diversity, and pride for who we are. It also gives me a warm feeling to know that there are that many GLBT people out there that come together on pride, and even more so that there are so many straight supporters celebrating with us, as well. Now if we could just get a year where it doesn’t rain… Perhaps next year!

Similar, but not too similar, to my thoughts on pride, a fellow atlblogger decided to say some pretty mean things about me after I said that he was self-hating because of his constant negative critique of anything and everything gay, and I know that there are at least a few of you that are interested in my response. Well, my response is that it makes me wonder about someone that continually portrays themselves as dissatisfied and unhappy with practically anything related to being gay, or gay culture (in that it may represent our culture outwardly to the overall society in ways that other people may or may not approve of), that doesn’t feel that his critique at least gives the illusion of self-hatred or denial; based on his affliation with said group. Wanting something to be “better” or “more representative” doesn’t come across through constant critique and judgement. Many of us don’t see the portrayal of, or expression of, “stereotypical” or “negative” representations of gay culture as necessarily weakening our “political movement” or “our cause”. To me, and the reason I made the statement to him, pride weekend is about a celebration of who we are, warts and all, not a political forum for furthering the “gay agenda”. If it represents us as anything, in my opinion it shows that we are just as diverse as “mainstream” society, and that while some may see us as deviant, we celebrate our uniqueness in the way that we know how; after all, something that differentiates us from the “mainstream” based on sex (the act of, not biological) carries certain sexual expressions and representations, to expect otherwise is a recipe for disappointment. I am also a believer that practically any representation of us in the media (albeit, positive, not negative) is a good thing, because it normalizes us even more, and that only the ignorant will truly believe that all gays are limp wristed nellies. If my call about him was off-kilter, it was simply a response to the many negative critiques that serve as the evidence I have seen on his blog thus far. Furthermore, I will end this by saying that I now realize that my first mistake was giving a rats ass about anything he had to say, and that I will not be making this mistake in the future. Obviously, I, along with many others, tend to get confused when people constantly critique and talk down about something they are a part of, while what they actually mean, is that they support and want to improve it. And that’s all I have to say about that.