the myth of the gay ideal

… and those that are hurt most by it.

Imagine my surprise at what I read on my buddy Vince’s blog yesterday. I can’t believe that people could be so cruel to such a great person. Seriously, it has become more and more clear to me during my tenure as an out gay man, that being fat somehow makes you less of a man in the gay community.

It is a pretty clear (and actually quite accurate) stereotype that the tongue of a gay man can be as sharp as a knife, and when criticism comes out of a gay man’s mouth, it will certainly cut to the bone. Gay men seem to have this amazing ability to criticize, demean, belittle, and insult things they see as worthy of that negative attention, mostly because we have been schooled so expertly in the craft of criticism. I know I learned a lot about criticism and insult, and I would bet that many learned it as I did; by being on the receiving end of said criticism. Because of our continual experience with being hurt, we learned how to turn it around, even expertly, on the world that hurt us. But, the more I slip outside of that notion of a “gay community”, and go out to bars less and less, I notice more and more how this criticism is not only reserved for our attackers; we use it against other gays, and in that action, become just like those that hurt us.

I remember sitting in my 7th grade class, with my head down on my desk, while the boys in the class continually called me a girl, and one even put a tampon on my chair between my legs. I could barely hold back tears, and all the while, the teacher did nothing to stop it. I can remember being insulted in the halls, ridiculed in the lunch room, and criticized for being gay at every turn; all the way through school. And as such, I am an expert in criticism. Unfortunately, like many gay men, I turned my criticism inwards, and I criticise everything about myself; my weight, my appearance, everything I do, everything I make, etc. Unfortunately, many gay men, once they come out and get a sense of feeling good about themselves because of the acceptance they receive from the gay community, they take that criticism one step too far; they instantly turn some it outward towards those that don’t fit that perfect “gay standard”.

Boys with more than 5% body fat, and those that can’t wear the skin tight jeans and t-shirts are the first to get that criticism. It is typical, too typical, for the “perfect” gay men to criticize, and even look through gay men that weren’t blessed with perfect genes, or those that aren’t willing to kill themselves in the gym (or take tina) just to fit into a pair of 32s. Instantly, all of that criticism that hurt us so badly when we were growing up is coming out of our mouths, being used to describe members of our own community. How can we scream at the top of our lungs about equality and community, when we constantly whisper behind the fat, short, balding, “less than perfect” guy’s backs? How can we do this and not be hypocrites?

I for one like my chunky boys. Most of the people who know me know this. I don’t want some skinny thing, I want a man. I want a man with chest hair and a little bit of meat on him, six pack abs are totally lost on me. If you want to impress me, you are wasting your time with that “perfect body” crap. But unfortunately, the gay community doesn’t share my view; there is so much pressure to be that “prefect” guy, that we have divided ourselves, and instead of actually being a community, we have sectioned off ourselves to associating with the small groups of likeness based on body types. The gym boys hang with the gym boys. The bears hang with the bears. And there is very little intermingling.

And why is that? Because of the criticism. Both sides have their criticisms, but I would bet that the criticism coming from the gym boys is stronger, because it is reflective of both society’s negative view of heavier people, coupled with the increased pressure created by the gay community itself. How hard must it be to finally get the courage to come out and seek acceptance from those like you, only to have insult come from the group that is supposed to be just like you? It is something that many see, but for some reason, it still goes on.

I say, that if we truly want to be a community, we need to stop clinging to this myth of a gay “ideal”. The real truth, is that many of those guys that are killing themselves in the gym (or are just taking tina), have immense amounts of internal pressure on them to maintain that “perfect body”. They are so terrified to get “fat”, because of the realization that they would fall victim to the very criticism they themselves sling at fat gay men. But, if we didn’t do that to gay men in the first place, hopefully some of that pressure would be lifted, and everyone would be a little happier. My point is, it is shameful to prance around like you are somehow better than someone else because they are fat, and you have six pack abs. We are all a part of the gay community, fat and thin, and we gays need to stop overly enforcing the social oppression that we face by turning it inward on our own. If you have a problem with someone just because of their weight, and feel the need to be cruel (as the person was to Vince), obviously, there are some issues that you have to work out. In the mean time, would you mind being a little bit more considerate, as the rest of the community still has feelings, and only wants a little acceptance from the other gays, okay? Thanks.