I have been wondering what is keeping me from doing things that I like to do (like taking pictures) recently (and for quite a while now), but I don’t think that it is because I am uninspired so much as I feel a bit stuck. I feel like I am waiting… waiting on things to materialize on next steps for some things, and here I am, trapped in the interim, and I am just stuck. I have felt a bit in a rut lately, but I think that I am just beginning to really notice it; I think it is bigger than even I see.
I need to pull myself out somehow. I really respect other people that seem so adept at doing that for themselves, and hope to take some of their success as motivation for my own use. I guess I tend to get caught up in the goings on of every day, and find myself waiting for the next day… EVERY day. That is where the rut comes into play, and it almost always sneaks up on me, as it has done in this most recent case.
I am writing it here, because I want to make an effort to try a bit harder not to be so complacent, and to motivate myself. Perhaps putting it out there will make a difference? Who knows. It has and hasn’t in the past, but at least it’s a step. ANY step feels like a success right now.
I think that part of it, is that there are so many things that I want changed, that I start to see all of them, and I let them overwhelm me, and I end up not doing anything at all… and I hate that about me. I’ve always been that way too, so I don’t see that as something that I can change, so much as I can just deal with it. It’s weird, because I feel like I am all or nothing in some things; like when I was so obsessed with my weight, that I worked out 6 days a week, and weighed a crazy-skinny 160 lbs. Now, I look at myself in the mirror, and wonder what the fuck happened? I have gained so much weight, and feel so lazy because I am not doing anything about it. Yet, instead of going to work out and fix it, I just skip working out and sulk. This is one of the worst aspects of the rut and the complacency, yet I can’t seem to shake it. I feel like writing it down may make me a bit more accountable, but I don’t even know if that will make a difference.
I just wish I could tap into some (SOME) of that tenacity that I used to have… some of the old me to help the new me shake this rut; even if it is only for a little while. I’m telling myself right now that I am going to try, and honestly, that’s the best that I can do. I hope that it works.