Tag: dreams

all about me, hmm interesting, is it just me?, well?

existential thoughts

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This morning on the way in to work, I think I starting thinking about things, and really started observing everyone around me. We were all on our way somewhere… but why? What was driving us (not the car, I’m not being that literal)?

What drives us, everyday, to stay in the same job, live in the same house, and keep getting back up and going, day after day? I don’t often talk about what I do, but everyone knows that reads this blog, that I am trying to go back to school for nursing; which would certainly mean a change in career at some point. However, this morning, I am thinking to myself; what is driving me?

I thought about this yesterday when I read about the stock market crash, and I really thought about how much money people were losing; money that we are all scraping and saving to put away for that day when we can “finally retire, and start to enjoy life”. Fuck that! I am a realist, and I don’t foresee a time that I will be able to ever afford to supplement the amount of money I make right now with just savings, unless I win the lottery. The only way that I am going to be able to make it, is to work my whole life (which is the story for a lot of people), so retirement is really this “dream” that I am living my whole life for, working so hard for, and I will probably never see it.

So again, I ask myself, “what drives you?”. What is it that keeps you from opening a record store, or having a bakery, or having a website that actually makes money? What drives you to stay on the course you are on, and prevents us from deviating? People have businesses for everything; why not me? I’m not really trying to get an “answer” here, I am just reflecting, and I thought, why not see what other people think about this… what drives YOU? I mean, what makes you go down the path you are on, and what do you think prevents you from changing course, direction, or even stopping right where you currently stand?

Surely, fear cannot be the only thing that drives us… I know that is it in part, but it cannot, it just cannot be it. If it is… I think that I am going to work on having another driving force in my life; overcoming that damn fear.

(side note: I just noticed that this was my 1001th post; interesting.)

all about me, hmm interesting, near and dear, tragic

examining vivid dreams

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Usually, I don’t remember dreams. If I do, they are usually pretty weird, or off the wall, and don’t really seem that vivid or realistic. This morning’s dream was definitely different from my usual dreams. In fact, I have been having very vivid dreams lately; but this one was especially real.

When my dream started, I was on the way back “home” to visit my parents, interestingly enough, in their old house. I was to be staying in my old room, and I went alone.

Shortly into the dream, there was altercation between me and my mother, after which, everything they have ever done or said to make me feel bad in my life poured out. I didn’t hold back. I packed up my stuff (it was my old room before they completely moved all my stuff out), and got in my car and left.

I kept waking up during the dream, and I forced myself back to sleep to see where it was going. It was so vivid, that it was almost like it was really happening. The part that worries me the most, is that in the dream, neither of my parents would own up to, or admit fault in any of the things I said they did. They both continually said that they were hurt that I was “accusing” them of hurting me, which only made me madder and more flippant, causing me to pack up my things and leave.

When I finally woke up and thought about this dream, I thought to myself, “I wonder if this is how it will really happen. I also wonder if this is a sign that this confrontation should happen soon.”. Eerie thoughts, since I am definitely not in a place to lay it all out on the line for them, but the idea of this potential outcome is interesting nonetheless. I go back and forth between wanting to tell them how I feel, and what they have done that has hurt me, and between doing nothing and avoiding them completely (as I am currently doing). I know that my mom reads this blog (even though she won’t admit it), and I am sure that other people in my family will see this, so in some way, I guess I am saying something about how I feel, but leaving out the specifics. Either way, this vivid dreaming provided me with a glimpse into a potential future action.

It is weird how dreams can speak for us sometimes, and in this case, it truly captured how upset and angry I feel about my family situation. Perhaps it is my subconscious telling me to take action, but unfortunately, I am not ready to listen to that advice. Someday, maybe, but not today; frankly, right now I am over the whole thing, and doing a pretty good job of avoiding it. I am also thinking of going off my depression medication… but that is a different, although related, subject.