Do you ever feel like you are just in a weird place, for one reason or another, in your life? Mine is more of a day to day thing; some days, I feel great (!), and other days, I would rather just stay in bed. Today is one of those “in bed” days. Now, I know that this is all related to my depression, but in addition, I have had a few things on my mind lately, and I felt it befitting to discuss them on my blog, since, well, it is supposed to be my online journal or whatever.
Regardless, here goes:
I got a picture, from my cousin no less (note, not from the actual mother, or my mother for that matter), of my nephew. Interestingly enough, when I was looking at the photos, which had my mom and my sister in them, I couldn’t help but feel like I was looking at someone else’s family. While I know that it was my mom and my sister, they just felt like strangers to me. To those that know me, it is no secret that I don’t have much of a relationship with most of my family, and to those of you that are just finding that out, well, um, there isn’t much else to say other than it’s true.
But seeing those photos made me feel even more separate.
You see, the last time I talked with my sister, was on her birthday (a couple of weeks after the birth), and the last time I spoke with either of my parents was that same day (mother’s day). I have had no updates on this nephew, and no word whatsoever as to the well being of my mother, father, or sister. Before you suggest this, I know what you are thinking, “why not call them/her?”; but honestly it just isn’t that simple, considering that I have called them/her (a few times), and I get nothing but voicemail and no return phone call. If James or I call, even if it is as trivial as to ask a question about landscaping (which my parents are great at), we don’t even get a call back.
The result, is that I feel as if I have been excluded, pushed out, of my own family, and that they expect me to claw my way back in. I feel as if I have tried so hard to get attention, affection, anything, that I am just worn down to the point of sheer exhaustion and apathy. I just feel like, if they don’t want me, then I am through trying so hard to get them to want me. I just want to move on. But a part of me can’t (or won’t), and so it makes me anxious.
The worst part, is that when I don’t call, and when I stop trying to claw my way in, they eventually do come around and call (months later), only to guilt me for not calling sooner. They guilt me because they haven’t seen me. They guilt me, and by doing so, relinquish all of the blame for my absence back on to me. And that is why I don’t call. To avoid the guilt. To avoid the hidden blame. To avoid talking to strangers. I can’t call again. I am just too tired.
Honestly, even though I am tired, worn, and apathetic, I still feel that guilt (funny thing, guilt, you feel it even if you don’t want to), I still feel that exclusion, and I want it to stop; but I can’t even begin to know how to make it stop. I have to learn a way to keep myself from feeling this way because of what they do, or in this case, what they don’t do. The weird place this has put me in these past few days tells me that maybe it is best that I am arms length, because cutting the cord (albeit, a worn, tattered, almost broken cord) won’t be so difficult. But under that, in the back of my mind I fear that when I do cut the cord it really will be over, and I really will be out for good. I fear that they really don’t want me, and that this isn’t just forgetfulness or busyness on their part, but actual apathy and abandonment. And this makes me anxious and tired, but unable to act. Unwilling to act. Powerless. I just wish I could change what I need to change, in order to make my life more of what I want it to be, rather than what someone guilt-ed for me.
