say it ain’t so!!!

I just went over to my buddy Parley’s site, and read this shocking news; Coke has decided to “phase out” Diet Vanilla Coke!!!! And to that, my response:

Dear Coke,
My name is Duane, and live in your home city of Atlanta. I am writing you about my concern that you have, for some unknown reason, decided to discontinue the most heavenly concoction you have ever placed on the shelves of a store; Diet Vanilla Coke. I remember that summer that regular Vanilla Coke was released, and I was sure that a Diet version would soon follow, and, much to my pleasure, there was; and it was good. Not only was it good, but Diet Vanilla Coke is the best beverage Coke makes. Hands down. Period. Fin!

So my question to you, as I sit here clinging to a case of the delicious beverage in question, is why?

Why must you provide me with the nectar of the gods, and then so unceremoniously rip it from my tightly clenched hands? Why must you torture me, as I will surely have memories of the delectable taste of this beverage as I drink any other Coke product; and I will weep. I will have night sweats and shakes from the withdrawal, and you laugh. Why?

Now, you may wonder why I am making this crazed plea to you today, after all, I am just some average Joe Schmo that happens to love Diet Vanilla Coke, right? NO. I happen to be a life long Coke lover and supporter, even under insurmountable odds. See, here’s the deal: I am from North Carolina, that’s right, Pepsi country, and, I even went to college in Greenville, NC, the birthplace of Pepsi. I was forced to drink Pepsi until I was old enough to escape and get out on my own, only for my school to be “bought out” by Pepsi. When that happened (my freshman year), you couldn’t even get a coke within 4 square miles of the campus; but I gladly got in my car and went to purchase multipacks of diet coke. Oh yeah, I did. I stood by you when you were shunned. I held your hand when the others pushed you away; and now, today, you shit on our relationship. You slap me in the face, and rip away what love I have left, and run away. And you didn’t even have the decency to give me a chance to say goodbye. It is going to be a quick break, right? But why? After all our time together, why must this be?

I write you this plea to stop your insane feelings to look for greener pastures, and venture off with others. Stick with me. We make a good team. You and me. We make each other happy. And we can continue to do so; but only if you stick by me. Please, Coke, don’t take away your Diet Vanilla Coke. If for no other reason than sheer sympathy, please, don’t take my baby away.

With love always,
Duane

Sad Music:
Weezer – Say It Ain’t So
Fiona Apple – Love Ridden
Lighting Seeds – You Showed Me