I just went over to my buddy Parley’s site, and read this shocking news; Coke has decided to “phase out” Diet Vanilla Coke!!!! And to that, my response:
Dear Coke,
My name is Duane, and live in your home city of Atlanta. I am writing you about my concern that you have, for some unknown reason, decided to discontinue the most heavenly concoction you have ever placed on the shelves of a store; Diet Vanilla Coke. I remember that summer that regular Vanilla Coke was released, and I was sure that a Diet version would soon follow, and, much to my pleasure, there was; and it was good. Not only was it good, but Diet Vanilla Coke is the best beverage Coke makes. Hands down. Period. Fin!
So my question to you, as I sit here clinging to a case of the delicious beverage in question, is why?
Why must you provide me with the nectar of the gods, and then so unceremoniously rip it from my tightly clenched hands? Why must you torture me, as I will surely have memories of the delectable taste of this beverage as I drink any other Coke product; and I will weep. I will have night sweats and shakes from the withdrawal, and you laugh. Why?
Now, you may wonder why I am making this crazed plea to you today, after all, I am just some average Joe Schmo that happens to love Diet Vanilla Coke, right? NO. I happen to be a life long Coke lover and supporter, even under insurmountable odds. See, here’s the deal: I am from North Carolina, that’s right, Pepsi country, and, I even went to college in Greenville, NC, the birthplace of Pepsi. I was forced to drink Pepsi until I was old enough to escape and get out on my own, only for my school to be “bought out” by Pepsi. When that happened (my freshman year), you couldn’t even get a coke within 4 square miles of the campus; but I gladly got in my car and went to purchase multipacks of diet coke. Oh yeah, I did. I stood by you when you were shunned. I held your hand when the others pushed you away; and now, today, you shit on our relationship. You slap me in the face, and rip away what love I have left, and run away. And you didn’t even have the decency to give me a chance to say goodbye. It is going to be a quick break, right? But why? After all our time together, why must this be?
I write you this plea to stop your insane feelings to look for greener pastures, and venture off with others. Stick with me. We make a good team. You and me. We make each other happy. And we can continue to do so; but only if you stick by me. Please, Coke, don’t take away your Diet Vanilla Coke. If for no other reason than sheer sympathy, please, don’t take my baby away.
With love always,
Duane
Sad Music:
Weezer – Say It Ain’t So
Fiona Apple – Love Ridden
Lighting Seeds – You Showed Me
Your “sad face” makes me want to buy you things. Does that work on your boyfriend? ;0)
OMG. That first one is the best picture ever.
Thanks Amber! the cans are more photogenic that I… (see sad face at bottom for full effect of how that makes me feel)
duane, you whore……I love you
Uh… obviously I meant the one of you crying, not the cans.
I know, I was just jiving ya! =o) Sarcasm rarely translates on the typed page!
Oh I don’t know, I think sarcasm translates REALLY well. It’s all about how you CAPITALIZE.
: )
I’m sorry you’re sad. Make P buy you something.
‘Cause it’s nasty?
ROFLMAO!
“I held your hand when the others pushed you away; and now, today, you shit on our relationship. You slap me in the face, and rip away what love I have left, and run away.”
That’s classic!
So when you make vanilla Diet Coke yourself, do you use regular vanilla, or the sugar-free stuff?
Oh, and I’m totally on board if you want to overthrow Pepsi’s stranglehold on universities. Blech.
Those photos are funny as hell.
Oh and since you’re mom is reading this now, I guess it would be inappropriate for me to bring up last night. Right?
actually the best beverage that coke manufactures is manzana lift, but those idiots haven’t yet seen fit to bring this godlike nectar to the american market despite my numerous calls to their 800 number.
feh.
LMAO!!!
You need to print this out and send this to them!
Vanilla Coke is my absolute favorite kind of Coke. I will cry with you.
Foxy D,
It sounds like you really need to just stock up on the stuff. I am sure you can buy out every store it the metro area. I mean, that should last you a month or two (remember, i know how much of that shit you drink). Also, Jen is right. Coke needs to see this. They need to see your tear stained face, your sad pitiful eyes.
Only then will they know the horrible trauma they will be causing you and so many other fans.
Ciao
J-Wo
I never liked it. I always enjoyed cherry coke.
You are too funny! The top picture is absolutely priceless!
My soda addiction of choice has always been Grape and Orange Mountain Dew. They torture me — deliberately, I think, because they release the flavors for a few months… take them away… re-release them…. Ugh! How can I get properly addicted if it’s not even available regularly? GR!
I haven’t laughed this hard in forever. Thanks for the monday morning tears!!!! Stock up on that vanilla diet coke, my friend! We can go coke hunting over lunchtimes (instead of ghost hunting!).
Well I am sorta neutral on the subject for I never liked the vanilla Diet Coke, but I feel your pain.
Your photos cracked me up…I may need to change your pic on my blogroll. You have been warned.
Unless it is cooled to the perfect temperature, Vanilla coke tastes like what I would imagine dirty socks taste like. But perfectly chilled, it’s fantastic.
Know what you need to do? You need to re-do those photos as videos, and submit them to this site. ‘Cause that would be funny as sh*t, yo.
Great blog! I clicked in from fourfour to see your entry for ANTM. You’re so funny. I love your letter to Coke. This is pretty tough news for me too. And your pictures are priceless.
i missed the post the first time around. found it through jen’s site.
i agree – first picture = priceless
OMG DUANE YOU NEED TO TRY DIET BLACK CHERRY VANILLA COKE LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!! I AM SHOUTING AT YOU BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD AND YOU WON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THEY DID TO THE ORIGINAL DVC.
Sorry, Pepsi was created in the city of New Bern, about 45 minutes south of Greenville. The Minges Bottling Corp. just chose Greenville for most of their sponsorship, etc.
BLA, thanks for the history lesson! While it may have been invented in New Bern, it is pretty commonly thought that Pepsi was born in eastern NC; so perhaps Greenville was a little too specific.
Have you tried Coke Zero Vanilla? It is not bad. But i loved diet coke vanilla as much as i did coca cola classic lime, and now they are both gone…