Tag: sad

another, this time local, victim of hate

This completely breaks my heart: 11 year old boy named Jaheem Herrera, commits suicide to escape bullying and taunting from fellow classmates (h/t to my friend Joey who posted the link earlier this afternoon).

I don’t know if anyone even read the piece that I wrote last week about this EXACT thing happening to another 11 year old boy, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, but I will not let this go silently either.

This is sickening. This is outrageous. This is infuriating. This specifically made my already upset stomach turn: Jaheem’s mother, concerned, had talked to Jaheem’s best friend the prior week, who said,

Yes ma’am. He told me that he’s tired of everybody always messing with him in school. He is tired of telling the teachers and the staff, and they never do anything about the problems. So, the only way out is by killing himself.

I’ll say it again; DO SOMETHING if you see this happening. You CAN stop your children from being bigots. EVERYONE must stop the “playful” use of faggot and gay as derogatory terms; it isn’t a joke. ANOTHER 11 year old child is dead because people take this issue so flippantly. Taunting and teasing is not just “kids being kids”, and EVERY time this happens, it adds to the problem.

Our society of “subversive” hate and the fervent anti-homosexuality campaign in this country must stop. This should be a country were an 11 year old child can go to school without fear of being taunted, teased, and bullied to the point that the only way he feels he can escape is to kill himself. It just isn’t right, and I can’t believe that less than a week after writing about a horrible case of this happening, it shows up again, practically at my doorstep.

My heart goes out to Jaheem’s family. Jaheem, I am so sorry for what they put you through, and I am even more sorry that no one with the power to stop them stood up for you. They should be thoroughly ashamed.

Clearly, there is a major problem with anti-gay sentiment and outright hatred for gays in this country. I have to wonder how many children we need to lose before we start doing something about it? Sadly, many have gone before Carl and Jaheem, and many more will go before the judgment and hatred subside. What’s the WORST, is that it doesn’t even matter if these two boys were gay or not; their peers used the hatred and disgust behind words like ‘faggot’ to hurt them so badly, that they couldn’t take it anymore. It disgusts me that people continue to let this happen around them.

A final thought: I will never understand how the very people that stand there, pointing their fingers in our faces, saying that they are morally superior, pass the judgment that causes things like this to happen. Shame on you all. Your “feelings” about homosexuality are far more dangerous than homosexuality itself could ever be.

a concrete example of how the anti-gay movement in this country is so dangerous

“Hey Faggot”.
“You are such a little pussy”.
“Look, he’s not even a boy, he’s definitely a sissy little girl”.
“You’re gay”.

These are all phrases that I despise hearing, but I heard them, and several other colorful variations, MANY times all throughout my 12 years of public school. There were many times I would come home and just be so upset that I couldn’t even speak to anyone, because of the taunts that I received pretty much every day from other students. I dared not tell my parents, because of how embarrassed I felt that I was continually labeled in this way; I honestly didn’t want this seemingly horrible thing to be true about me. As I look back, I honestly don’t know how I made it, but I did. However, I did not escape completely unscathed. The damage was done, and I didn’t come out until I was 22; all because I feared being the very thing that I was accused of, and was convinced was so bad when I was younger because of the taunting and teasing that I received. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, because despite it all, I did make it, and it has, in part, made me who I am today.

My point in writing this is not to preach or even elicit sympathy; as I said, I am a grown man who made it through that hell and I am stronger for it. However, there are thousands of kids out there that are going through this same torture right now, and unfortunately, a bunch of them won’t make it. The torture of being taunted and teased by your peers day in and day out is enough for many gay (as well as kids that aren’t even gay, but are just different, and therefore labeled as such) kids to desire so strongly to escape that hell that they take their own lives.

Recently, this very thing tragically happened to Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover. He was taunted and teased, and in order to escape it, he only saw suicide as his way out. Suicide rates amongst gay youth is staggeringly high, and I honestly believe that if our society wasn’t so dismissive of the hateful way in which we are treated, it could be significantly lowered. Carl didn’t have to die in vain; we can change. We can teach our children that hate and bullying is extremely harmful, and that by doing so, you are emotionally scarring someone. Teachers and administrators can also take a huge role in this change by suppressing this behavior as it is seen and reported; unfortunately in this case, Carl’s mother complained to the school and no action was taken.

I am extremely saddened, and I feel horrible for Carl’s entire family. This young boy should not have had to endure the torture that he did, and no other child should have to endure it either. If you or someone you know is close-minded about homosexuality, and perpetuates any level of the hatred and bigotry that this form of torture stems from, tell them about Carl, and how he was an innocent 11 year old boy who was taken from this world far too soon. Tell them that the very hate that they feel inside themselves for homosexuals, or homosexuality, is what drove Carl to take his own life. The time for this mindset is over, and it has got to change.

Perhaps if we all stopped being so hateful with one another, and stopped pointing fingers and judging those around us, less kids will feel like they have to end it all to escape the torture. I for one, hope that with gay rights laws passing in many states recently, and the potential for it to continue to gain momentum ensues, that we will hopefully grow as a society, and stories like this can be a thing of the past. Carl deserves that, and nothing less. We all do. I’m so sorry Carl.

voting based on the actual issues, not ignorance, fear, or willful defiance


I just wrote and incredibly long post about why I can’t understand how people are going to let ignorance get in the way of the facts in voting this election, but apparently, my CPU usage has been exceeded, and when I tried to save it, WP ate it.

Mainly this sudden desire to talk politics again (the frequency of which has been marred by a past of ridiculous conversations with some readers) was sparked by a very ignorant conversation with my mother last night, who proved to me that Americans really only listen to what they want to hear, and then they make decisions based on only those observations. So this morning, I wanted to be sure that I was informed. I went to McCain’s website, and his wikipedia page, and read his stance on the issues. I also read Obama’s stance on those same issues. After I read both stances, and compared them, I really began to think about how our “society” is supposed to work. I can’t imagine that you would want to make things worse off for anyone; because, after all, isn’t this supposed to be a free and just society? Yet, after seeing how flawed many of McCain’s plans are with respect to the average American, as well as considering who he is as more than a candidate, I can’t help but wonder why there are tons of people out there that are willing to ignore injustice that will certainly affect them, just because they see one small feature of something in one candidate (fear?), that makes them choose him over the other.

I have not only read about McCain, but I have also watched how he uses fear and anxiety, much like Bush does. I feel even more like he is disconnected from the average American, and as such, cannot understand why people cling to stupid shit about Obama (like that he was born into a Muslim household, even though he isn’t Muslim now, and why that should matter; and what is wrong with Muslim’s anyway?), true or not, and let that make their decision for them. Vote for whomever you want to; I respect the fact that you are even voting, and I know that most of you have already decided. I know I have, and it isn’t for McCain. There are MANY reasons why not, but the main one, is because when I hear him speak, and I read his stance on the issues, I see more and more how disconnected he is from the general American public, and I don’t feel like he represents me at all; I don’t think he represents the majority of us. I have given him the mic, and now that I have heard what he has to say, I will say that he was unable to scare me into voting for him.

With all of this being said, I will say this: It is paramount that the strong help carry the weak. It is a fundamental trait of a successful society. It has been this way since man first grouped together and settled down on the first farms; and even before then, it was a requirement for us to survive as hunters and gatherers. It has allowed us to grow and flourish on this planet, and it is only through pulling together, and watching each other’s backs, that our problems are going to be solved, and things are going to get better. If we make decisions based solely on being the first one to the top of the ladder, our entire society will suffer; except the ones at the top. Those are the very ones that care more about dollar signs than they care about people and are currently the ones that are taking everything they can, and running the rest of us into the ground.

So again, after reading McCain’s stance on the issues, and judging him based on what he says and does, I can’t help but wonder, why should we hand the reigns over to another guy that shares the same values? I personally just don’t understand that at all. If you don’t see that, that’s something that escapes me, because I really did try to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. It isn’t his fault that he is rich; but what he has said about his plans for our country has definitely indicated that he is not right if we want things to get better for the average Joe/Jane. He has some good ideas, so please don’t think that I think he has all wrong notions, but the bad certainly outweighs the good, and I really hope he doesn’t have the chance on unleash them on this country; I honestly don’t think that our society will survive. We are cannibalizing ourselves, and electing another cannibal as our leader is a really bad idea.

McCain is far beyond what I can even comprehend as what one would call rational or even informed. He doesn’t think beyond a certain point, and even when he is given more information, he ignores it. It is why he still supports a war on Iraq, and it is why he will not answer the call to those screaming for help. If you need more convincing as to how out of touch he is, watch this:

I am just baffled at the willful ignorance he employs, and that of those that support him. I just hope that enough people are paying attention, listening, and finding out for themselves how wrong he is for President, and they get over any issue they have against Obama, and vote for him instead. Since this is a two party system, voting based on principle, history, or made up/incorrect character flaws is not only ignorant, it is dangerous and you will feel the consequences.

As I said, vote for McCain if you must, I respect your decision; just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons, and that you are fine with all of the bad that will most likely come with your decision. If you aren’t a member of the upper crust who definitely does benefit from his plans and ways of working our society, can you do me a favor, and tell me, honestly, why you think he is the one to lead?

brothers and sisters and mother’s day

The season finale of Brothers and Sisters was magnificent. The wedding between Kevin and Scotty was gorgeous and touching. It was moving to see two men get married on TV, and it be treated as a joyous event. I couldn’t help but find it a bit fitting, though, that it aired on Mother’s day, and that Scotty’s parents refused to come to the wedding because of their beliefs.

My parents have never said it to my face, but I know they don’t “approve” of my life. It doesn’t really make sense, however, because my life is nothing they have the option to approve of or not; I am who I am, take it or leave it. I made the choice to be myself, and if you don’t like it, that is not my problem. I almost cried when they showed Scotty’s parents reacting the way they did; not because I felt bad for Scotty, even though I do. Mostly, I felt bad for his parents, and in the same way, I felt bad for mine. They are missing out on my life because of choices that they are making.

I called my mother today, and was only able to leave her a message. Same for my sister. Neither returned my call. My grandma talked to me for over and hour, and was elated that I called. I guess that you have to make choices in your life; we all do. They did, and so do I. And I have. Regardless of how they can burn sometimes when you think about them, getting to those decisions was hard enough, that you have to really stick by them. After all… you weren’t the only one that made a choice; you are just the one that made the choice to make yourself happy.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom… I hope it was great. It’s sad we can’t be more of a family, but I understand. I can’t change it, and I am okay with that. I have learned to live with it, and as such, I’ll move on like I always do. I hope you know that I love you, and that you know that I can’t change, and that I can only live my life for me at this point; so that’s what I am doing.

how many times must this be said before it actually changes?

In this clip, Ellen speaks about something very real and very dangerous, and unfortuantely, something that affects us all; HATE:

Seeing this clip (thanks to vanyel) makes me wonder AGAIN, why this isn’t common knowledge, and it makes me wonder how many times we are going to have to say this before it actually changes. I feel horrible for that boy’s family, and for any other family that has been devastated by hate. I am sick of hearing “that’s so gay”, and letting it go, because it isn’t funny. Ellen is right; being gay is not funny, IT’S NORMAL, and until we get that to be the message that everyone hears, things are just going to continue. I never thought I would want to be normal, but that’s exactly what would be the best thing for gay people; acknowledging that we are actually normal.

Is it so much to want to live in a world where you aren’t hated because of who you love? I would like to think that it isn’t too much to ask at all. I am just sickened by all of the hate and cruelty that is taught in this world, and how it is being passed on to our youth.

britney lost the kids to KEVIN?

I’m actually surprised by this, because anyone can clearly see that Kevin is no more fit to parent than Britney. In fact, I would look at the judge square in the eye, and say, “do you realize, that he walked out on his pregnant girlfriend to be with Britney? Please explain how that makes him MORE fit to parent.” Point blank, I think this is a lot of the problem with things today; kids raising kids. I think the kids should go to Britney’s mom, but that’s just my two cents. I remember my early twenties, and I can tell you right now, I would have been an awful parent. I was practically a child still, learning the ways of the world… and that isn’t even considering the mad media that is watching their every move. Parenting is hard enough with out the added pressure of growing up yourself in the process, and that ever present eye of the media. All four people in this situation are in a bad place right now, and I hope things work out best for all of them.

Shit, maybe this will be just the “wake up call” that she will actually be able to hear this time, and she can use this time to get things back on track for herself. Maybe she will grow from this experience, and will grow stronger and better as a result. It really is sad that child stars get chewed up and spit out by the “industry”, and the results are often devastating. Apparently, you have to hit the bottom before being able to make things right, when you are famous. Hopefully, this is the lowest it will go for Britney, and she can make some good in the near future. I’m rooting for you, babe.

I feel bad for Britney, and hope that she gets her kids back in the end… after she makes things right. Hopefully, she will be able to do so soon. I honestly feel the worst for the kids who are obviously being used as pawns in this whole thing, when they should just be taken care of; but by who is not for me to say… I just don’t think Kevin is the best choice; that’s all.

Oh well, what are you going to do, right?

buying things will take your mind off of it…

So James and I came home from the vet frustrated with our situation yesterday, because we really weren’t getting much in the way of answers from the people at Banfield. With our frustration, we called to speak with the vet, and honestly, she took about 15 minutes to really talk with me, which did make me feel better. She told me that we need to get the x-ray and the ultrasound, and if those don’t show anything, we need to do an endoscopy. We are taking it one thing at a time. X-ray and ultrasound are currently scheduled for Thursday, and hopefully, we will know more then.

I honestly hope that it is nothing. She thinks that it might be an ulcer or something similar, and if so, there is medication that he can take that will make him better. She also informed us that we needed to try and make him eat, which we were actually successful with last night. We are trying different types of wet dog foods, really anything, to get him to eat. We found a treat he likes, and honestly, if that is what he will eat, I will buy a bunch of it to get something in his stomach. He is still weak, but he definitely seemed better after eating last night. Also, he isn’t yelping as much anymore either; which is a great sign. Thanks to all of the well wishes and thoughts you guys, I really don’t know what I would do if anything happened to my baby, and I really hope that he will get back to his old self sooner, rather than later. I am just praying he gets better soon. I will give updates about the tests on Thursday when we get them done.

James and I were driving home from the vet yesterday, and honestly, we were just silent in the car, because we were so worried. The call with the vet changed a lot of that, but we are still concerned, and can’t think of much else. So, like the good little consumer, I have turned to a little well-timed retail therapy to help take my mind off of this week’s situation. Coincidental to these events with Sydney, two products that I have been urning for came out today:

The NEW Tivo HD receiver (the much more reasonable $300 version)
Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80s


So, I have my confirmation order number for the tivo (after getting rejected by the website, and having to call in, sit on hold, get rejected by the system, and having the customer service person (who was really sweet, and actually called back and gave me confirmation) complete the order and call my back), and I am going to pick up GH during lunch. Is this enough to make me not worry about my little man? Absolutely not. However, it really does make me feel a little bit better; even if it is momentarily.

Tonight will be some shredding at my place, and hopefully, we can get little man to eat a little more. Hope everyone is having a good day. Now, WHEN will my new tivo arrive!! HURRY!

RIP Tammy Faye

I just wanted to write out a few thoughts, and offer my condolences to the family of Tammy Faye; a kind, gentle, beautiful, honorable, and wonderful soul. Tammy, you will be missed. You embraced the gay community, despite the hate the Christian community wanted you to push onto us. You helped people see that we were just people, just like everyone else, and there was no need to hate us because of who we are; and we love you for that. I personally am saddened by her loss, because it is saddest when the world loses someone who truly understood love and compassion; and did not discriminate how she shared it.

May you rest in peace, you sweet, beautiful soul.

I am just glad that you no longer have to suffer, because you definitely deserve eternal happiness; as you have been a shining example of what true Christianity is supposed to be about: acceptance and love.

Thank you for caring about us; I hope that you know that we certainly cared for you in return.

You will be missed, Tammy Faye.

thanks and thoughts

I wanted to say thanks to everyone that sent well wishes and stuff the other day; I was just in a weird spot, and I honestly was thinking too much for my own good. I have this incredible ability to let something minuscule turn into a huge festering thing in my mind, all because I focus too much on it. I am working on that, but it is part of what I learned in how to deal with people when I was growing up. Some of that stuff never goes away, and you just have to deal with it; perhaps that is why I find that I do get let down when I expect too much from people. My parents were good at letting me down, and yet, I naively always believed that the next time, they wouldn’t; which unfortunately, almost always ended in disappointment. I am working on getting out of that, but for now, I can only go at this pace. Thanks for listening, understanding, and being here.

Sydney is doing better, although he is very lethargic and doesn’t want to move around much. I am hoping that by the end of the weekend, he is back to his normal, energetic self. I don’t like seeing him in any pain, because he really is my “baby”, and I love him so much. I am just glad that his tests came back normal, and it appears to just be a case of upset tummy. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts about him, as well.

Other than that, there isn’t really much going on in the way of “stuff” right now. I am still in a little bit of a weird place, as it was pointed out to me that I was being a little snippy at lunch with James. I was constantly on his case about his driving, because, well, he is a very easily distracted person anyway, and I really didn’t want anything to happen to him or his car. I guess sometimes, good intentions come out bitchy. Oh well… perhaps it is the rain today? Who knows… I just know I am glad that it is Friday.

Finally, a few links with some scattered thoughts:
— Surprise! A negative review of “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” from a gay website. While I don’t really care one way or another about the movie getting good or bad reviews, it always makes me wonder about people who watch movies and criticize them, when it is clear to everyone else that the movie is going to contain the very elements that the critic negatively goes on and on about. Obviously, this movie is going to use borderline or outright negative gay stereotypes and bad humor to poke fun at what most American men see to be an uncomfortable situation; a simulated homosexual relationship between two straight men. While it may be distasteful and possibly a negative reinforcement (but probably not, since GLAAD gave it a thumbs up), if you don’t want to hear the negative gay jokes, don’t go see this movie; problem solved. I do have to say though, that I think Kevin James is absolutely adorable, and I don’t think that his part in this dumb movie will change any of that feeling from me.
Cheney will be in charge while Bush goes under for a routine colonoscopy. I would really have loved it if the news outlets had gotten creative, and came up with creatively disgusting titles to supplement this story. However, I for one don’t know how they are actually going to get in there, with that big stick shoved up his ass, and all.
— I saw this clip of Tammy Faye when she was recently on the Larry King show, and it honestly just breaks my heart to see someone so sweet and genuinely wonderful suffering like that. Hell, I don’t like seeing anyone suffer, but Tammy Faye is good, and she totally has had our backs for a long time, showing the world what a true Christian should be like. Additionally, her son has turned out to be accepting and loving as well; not to mention, kind of hot. I love you Tammy Faye, and I hope that you are not suffering, and that your final days are peaceful and happy. You have been there for the gays, and we definitely thank you for your love, kindness, and support. If only there were more like you, Tammy Faye.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, and I am going to do my best to relax, finish the paintings I am working on, and spend time with my family (James, little Sydney, and some friends if they are interesting in hanging out). Now, I’m off to get some damn wine… I have been Cabernet-ing it up this week; I see no reason to slow up now!

I think that I expect too much sometimes

Perhaps all of the time.

I think that I get my feelings hurt, or am disappointed, because I expect too much. Is it possible, that I put too much thought, guilt, worry, or anxiety into relationships, so much so, that I inadvertently cause the situation to go all weird? I wouldn’t think that this would be the case, because if it were, it would be the standard; and it isn’t.

I mean, I really don’t think that I do any of this outwardly, or even on purpose, but for whatever reason, I feel like there must be something that I do that makes people change. It is the only solution that I can come up with, although, it is really the only one that I can truly substantiate if it is reality. Again, I probably am over-analyzing things, but what if I am not? What if there is something that I do, something small, that causes these changes in my relationships with other people?

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t think that I do, but maybe I do… Maybe that is more of the problem than the actual situations that I find myself in from time to time; expecting too much will always mean that I am the one that is let down. I don’t know how I find myself here all of the time, but here I am, and it really upsets me. It really breaks you down to feel this way so much, and very rarely gain any resolve for the situation.

So why do I keep doing it? Why can’t I stop thinking for one minute, and just let things travel on their own? I honestly don’t know, but I know that I have always been this way, and if it is the problem, it is more than frustrating; it is debilitating and very upsetting, especially because it is unconscious. I want to just exist in a place where I am involved with people that understand me, and I don’t spend a lot of my time over-analyzing actions, words, or the lack of either. I don’t think that it is paranoia, because I am definitely experiencing it; but I do think that it could be that I expect too much sometimes.

I’m just going to put on my headphones, listen to some music, and try to forget myself for a little while. I am clearly thinking too much this morning. To top it all off, Sydney isn’t feeling well, and we had to take him into the vet yesterday for an IV and some tests. After they brought him out, I was holding him, and he just pissed all over me; without warning. Poor little guy. I just hope that he is feeling better soon… I know that my wallet would be happier as well.