James and I were talking this week about what we wanted to do today, to celebrate our four year anniversary.
It dawned on my just yesterday (!), that in actuality, our four year anniversary was LAST MONTH. So, here’s to four years and one month, since we both somehow forgot that our four year anniversary was actually last month.
I guess we have both been a little busy/distracted, eh? No matter… so long as we have each other. Here’s to many, many more!
And there isn’t much going on. So, here are some different thoughts that I have been thinking about this morning:
I was talking with my grandma on the phone this morning, and she is a hoot! She can make laugh at any time. I always love hearing her stories, and her dealings with people. It is weird to me how people will treat someone though; people are consistently rude to her, and I just don’t get it (especially since she is so much fun and so nice). Even her own son won’t stop smoking for 5 minutes to have her around, and since she can’t stand the smoke, they don’t see each other very often (even though they live within spitting distance of one another). People are just how they are, I guess, and sometimes, you just have to say fuck ’em, and do your own thing. She and I talk about that a lot, and it is something that I really treasure that we share; we love each other, and try not to focus on those that just want something from us, or expect us to be something that we are not. She loves me for who I am, and I really appreciate that, and cherish it. I am very thankful that I have such a great relationship with her, because other than her and my cousin, I don’t really consider much of my family, actually “family”. Sometimes, you have to build your own family from what you have; and even though I only feel close to two, that’s two that I can definitely count on.
I was thinking about (i.e., I definitely want to) getting another tattoo. I want something on my left calf, above the ankle band tattoo that I currently have there. I thought about a Japanese dragon, but the more I think about it, the more I want something kind of unique. I called Russ, and he has some open spots this week, and his new shop opens next week, but I think this week would be too soon; especially since I don’t have a firm idea of what I want. Since I am wracking my brain in trying to decide what I want, I have a question for all of you: If you could get a tattoo of anything in the world, what would it be and why? Don’t worry, I won’t steal your idea… that is, unless it is a good one! LOL No seriously, I want to hear your ideas. And none of this “you have too many tattoos” silliness, because you can never have too many.
Other than that, I had a pretty great weekend, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying life. I feel like I am starting to worry less about things that are out of my control, and really find myself focusing on being happy with what I have. I am applying to Perimeter for some classes in the fall, and that has given me this sense of purpose that I didn’t think would come from such a small step. I finally feel like, for the first time in 4 years, that I am moving forward. And that makes me happier than you could know. Let’s just hope we can keep this momentum going!
Well, to my one-derful, kind-of-internet-stalker, fan. I wanted to write this post as a symbol of my gratitude, and as a way to bestow a huge THANKS(!1!!!11!!) for his continued love and attention! I am so flattered that I don’t even know where to begin…
Perhaps it could best be described by a monologue, from a scene in the 1981 movie, based on the best-selling memoir of Christina Crawford, titled Mommie Dearest. The scene I speak of, is the one where Joan, after staying home from the awards show, comes out to greet the press and her fans who are waiting outside of her house, to accept the Academy Award for Best Actress she has just won for Mildred Peirce:
I would rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world!
You, all of you here, and everywhere, gave me this award tonight.
And I accept it from you, and only you.
I love all of you!
This is such a wonderful sentiment, that I am clearly speechless, and extremely touched! Now, while, I know that in my case, the award I am receiving isn’t an Academy Award, I do know, that it is as equally flattering and wonderful: my award is constant idolatry and attention, from the one and only atlmalcontent.
I am truly happy to know that even though there are people who are insecure and unhappy with themselves, by distracting themselves in worshiping the rest of us, who are trying our best just to be happy and live our lives, they start to feel a little better inside. I am honestly flattered by the whole thing, to be honest, even though in this case, it has proven to be sort of a love/hate crush (he says he hates me, but his constant attention and obsession proves that he really loves me), that has definitely had its ups and downs in the past. But, from now, and through the future, things will be different. Please don’t mistake this post as sarcasm, ladies and gents, this sort of love doesn’t come around everyday (or does it?), and I for one, am extremely flattered that I could stay so constant in someones mind, that they would literally think of me so much and so often, that I am literally always on the tip of their tongue. I am honestly a bit ashamed that I never acknowledged it on this grand of a scale before now. I don’t want to let my fans think that I don’t appreciate their love; especially not this fan in particular.
Now, I know that I am, according to him, an “easy target”, and you know, I guess he is right. I believe that label really applies to anyone that just lives their lives, trying their best to be happy with what they have been given. It is true; we will always be easy targets to those whose lives are driven by the quest to focus solely on finding what they deem “wrong”, “beneath them”, and somehow “messed up” in the world. Sadly, this continual quest on which they travel, is merely a distraction from what they are ashamed of within themselves, and echoes the true grip their insecurities have on their lives. It is important for this type of person to continually belittle those of us that they deem “easy targets”, because it distracts them, even if it is only for a moment, from the daily misery that they suffer from.
What I feel that I have neglected to truly acknowledge in the past, is how important we easy targets are to these types of people, and how grateful I am, that I can provide some joy and comfort to at least one of them. I, for one, am glad that I can be that light in someones life, that they can turn to, make fun of, and somehow feel better for a moment. I am honestly honored and elated that, by trying to belittle me, poke fun of my opinions and silliness, and through constant and desperate attempts to try and tear me down, that someone can truly make themselves feel better. If I gain nothing other than that feeling of warmth and joy in my heart that comes from knowing that these attempts to portray me as less than themselves, are somehow making them feel better about their own internal misery; I have honestly gained all that I could ever ever hope for: I have gained the ability to make someones life a little bit happier, just by being myself. There are very few that can truly know that they have made a difference in someone else’s life, and even if I am only passively making someones world a brighter place, then I am extremely proud to be a part of the journey (even if the attempts to tear me down are sadly misrepresentative of who I really am).
One might think, that if I were truly “whiny, self-absorbed, ill-informed, materialistic[,] and uncultured” (as atlmalcontent, says that I am), the very person that believed these things to be true about me, wouldn’t bother with paying so much attention to me. But, it has become clear to me, now more than ever, that it is his belief that I am what he says that I am, and that this is the reason he continues to fixate on me. I think that by trying to characterize me as these things, he somehow feels better about who he is, or perhaps more importantly(?), who he is not. By convincing himself that I am what he says, and that I am somehow beneath him, he becomes (even if falsely) elevated to a place where he can feel better about himself. Knowing that this is why he tries to tear me down with constant misrepresentations, allows me gain a new perspective, and to truly appreciate, these attempts to bring some joy into his life. I am honored that I can be the one to provide that joy for him, and, even it is if only briefly, relieve him from some of his internal misery and crippling insecurity.
I am glad to know that anything and everything that I can say or do, as well as the simple fact that I am who I am, causes one to become fixated on the need to bring me (and others like me) down; even if it is only an effort to make themselves feel better. I am honestly honored and deeply touched, that I could continually bring this sort of positive energy into one’s life.
And it is this knowledge, that compels me to say thank you, atlmalcontent, thank you from the bottom of my heart, for giving me such a meaningful purpose, by bringing true moments of happiness to those like you.
I am literally grinning from ear to ear this morning from all of the love that you, atlmalcontent, continually bestow upon me. I am truly flattered, and that is why I wanted to write this little thank you post to you, my one-derful, devoted fan. Thank you again, buddy! I hope that you have an amazing day, a truly glorious weekend, and an amazing year; because you deserve it. I really mean that, I want you to be happy. I know what it is like to be plagued with insecurity and self hate, and if I can make you feel better about your own, just knowing that makes me feel good. I promise that I will do my best to bring you more “stupid” writing, and more “hilariously uncultured” quips for you to flock to, in your attempts to bring me down for your own distraction and well being. We all want to be happy, and if I can be a part of making you feel better about yourself, I am deeply honored, and want to do everything I can in making the world a better place for those like you. Luckily, all that is required of me, is my presence. Here’s to joy!
Last night, my friend Deb stopped by to talk with me about my most recent lens that I acquired, and when we were walking them out, James casually mentions that the house behind us is on fire. Well, imagine my surprise when it was engulfed in flames! The way he mentioned it, it just seemed like it was a small fire. Either way, the house is empty, and has been since it was built. My bet, is that it was for insurance claims, as the house has been in the state of “being built” for over 2 years now. I’m just glad that no one was hurt. The response was very fast, and there were tons of fire trucks that showed up. When we came home from my friend John’s new loft (which is awesome), there was still one sitting out there. It was interesting, though, that I haven’t seen a crew at the house for about a month, and they were out there this morning when I left for work. Hmmm…. Here’s a picture that I got of the incident:
Today, I have a meeting at GSU, to talk with someone at the nursing school about what I need to do to get into the program, and get started in getting my nursing degree. While I am definitely nervous (this was the big step I referred to in an earlier post), I am excited. I hope that I can get started as soon as possible, because I really need to make some changes in my life. The only one that is going to do it is me. To piggyback on that, I really want to say, that it is an amazing feeling to know that you have family out there that totally support you, and love you. Those same family members want you to succeed, and want nothing more than for you to be happy. That is something that I haven’t always had (well, I have, but I experienced more of that bad, than their good), and it is great to know that it is there for me now. You know who you are, and I greatly appreciate you. When you have family problems, it is wonderful to know that there are at least a couple of people in your family that really act like family.
Finally, I am totally loving Heroes. That is like the best show ever. I can’t wait for it to come out on DVD. Also, I got a new lens for my camera, and while I was totally excited about it, after playing around with it, I don’t think that it is what I really needed, and I am going to take it back and get the EF-S 60mm f/2.8 USM macro instead. I am hoping that the return goes smoothly, because I REALLY want the macro lens. Keep your fingers crossed!
That’s about all for this Tuesday, ya’ll! Hope things are going well for everyone out there in the blogosphere!
Earlier this morning, I saw a link on a friend’s LJ to a website that listed “gay bands” that should be avoided (at least according to the anti-gay website). While the list is certainly funny, like how they write “(really gay)” next to Elton John’s name, and how the Indigo Girls made it on there twice (perhaps because there are two of them?), curiosity over things like this got the better of me, and so I thought I would take a look at what the rest of this site had to offer. After clicking through a few different pages (including the safe artist list; which includes Cyndi Lauper, so I guess they don’t know about her love for the gays), I got pretty much what I was expecting; the same old song and dance that should always be expected from these anti-gay “preachers”. All they have to offer is hate, hate which they disguise in the word love.
What I did find interesting about this particular “ministry”, is that Donnie Davies, the founder of the CHOPS program (more on that in a moment), is a self-professed “reformed homosexual”. Here’s what he has to say:
I am in fact a Reformed Homosexual and I’m trying to let people know that there is an escape from being Gay. By letting people know that “God hates a Fag” I am doing Gods work, I’m preaching.
When I was in highschool I kept having feelings for the boys I was in school with. Often I would let these feelings take over. I got into lots of trouble when I was Gay.
I stopped listening to secular music and started going to my fathers church services. I was so miserable, being gay, something had to happen. I found Jesus! I found Jesus and He showed me the way. The right way to live that is. Loving, Gods Way!
(from his website)
According to Donnie, who also cites his personal hero as being Oscar Wilde, who he mistakingly thinks also denounced homosexuality, by saying that “God Hates Fags”, he is actually spreading “Love”. But Donnie, you professed that you were a “Fag” in high school… so does that mean God hates you? Of course not! Because God doesn’t hate anyone… at least, not anyone that “chooses” to go against the ways of homosexuality! Eureka! What a revelation, Donnie. I am so happy that there are people out there like you with their tiny little minds, and their even smaller grasp of grammar and language to proselytize about your narrow-minded beliefs, bringing other narrow-minded automatons into your little program of hate.
And what a program it is. Donnie has developed what he calls CHOPS; Changing Homosexuals (into) Ordinary People. The logo, which I got at his website, just gives me a hard on looking at it. Seriously, this thing is homo-genius! The devil is in your underpants, but God is in your mind! I am almost on my way to being saved! Coming down from my cynicism, and despite the uber-gay logo, I don’t see how his “innovative” “new” strategy of forcing God down my throat to make me hate myself is going to “change” me, or anyone into an “ordinary” person (I already am ordinary?!). Perhaps there is something I don’t know… like maybe Donnie is a wizard or something, because according to his site, he implies that his program has the ability to change the feelings you have towards people of the same sex, and help you to stop acting on those feelings. I mean, he did it! To be honest, that sounds like magic to me, because I am pretty sure that Donnie’s program won’t do anything more teach the same self-hatred he has had for himself all these years. I would love to ask him if he still feels sexual feelings about other men, because I can bet the farm he does (and remember Donnie, lying is a sin!).
What you forget, Donnie, is that according to your Bible, God doesn’t hate “fags” (in fact, I don’t think that word is in the Bible), and He actually says that he loves everyone… oh wait, that’s Jesus, but since Jesus is God, there is no need to split hairs. Perhaps God may hate things like ingrown hairs, mosquitoes, and melted ice cream, but I am pretty sure he doesn’t hate homosexuals; because if he created us, how could an infallible God (under the Bible’s definition) do something wrong? Whatever God said and did is why we are here the way we are, right? And he isn’t wrong, right? So being gay is a-okay! Right? In fact, he probably doesn’t hate those other things either… since, according to your Bible, He created them!! Woohoo! God is awesome. God likes everything. What a swell supreme being. I sure as hell am glad he made me the way I am!! Thanks dude!
Seriously, I don’t care whether you “agree” with homosexuality or not, Donnie, but at least have the guts to stop hiding behind religious oppression, as an excuse for your natural feelings about men (trust me… been there, done that. Not fun). If you don’t want to act on them, fine, but don’t go around spreading hateful messages about those of us that choose to act on our natural feelings. Well, you know what, actually, I take that back. You should go on doing what you are doing, because if you keep it up in the way that you have started (via the spotty, poorly developed website), the majority of people that can think for themselves will just see you as an idiot anyway; especially those that have any level of education, and have a reading level above the 2nd grade.
I honestly feel sorry for people like Donnie, who just can’t be happy, and because of their denial and self-hatred, have to “go on a mission” to “save” the world from the thing they are most afraid of: being themselves. Why don’t you just focus on making the world a better place for everyone, without the hate part, Donnie? Because I am pretty sure that would be more of what God would want. I just hate that there are people out there that will think programs like this can change them, and so they will go down that road of self hatred, right along with Donnie. What I wouldn’t give to help people realize that being gay is okay; I know that someone helping me would have been great… luckily, I came to be happy with myself on my own.
A final aside: I find it incredibly hilarious that this site (his ministry site) goes on and on about censorship, because MySpace took down his hateful site, when one of the main goals of people like Donnie is to stop certain things from reaching the public (via things like free speech and freedom of expression). I for one am glad to see that MySpace does have some standards in the content (well, that may be going a bit far) they allow, but do believe that Donnie has the right to say what he wants; so long as he realizes that with the right to freedom, you get the whole shebang… not just the little niche that protects racists and bigots from screaming their hate all over the world. (which a lot of you pointed out when I got all pissy about the anti-gay billboard)
I wrote this post mainly because it was a silly example of the craziness that goes on in this world, and I had a good laugh at the ignorance of this person; and thought you might as well. I honestly feel sorry for Donnie, and others like him, because one of the worst things you can do to yourself is deny who you are and turn that into self hatred. What a pity.
It started innocently enough, it started with a plan to spend the day together.
Things were going great; playing video games, going to visit some friends, planning what to eat for dinner, and talking about what movies to watch.
The evening went on, you cooked me dinner, and we watch our shows together. The day went so well, and I have had such a good time, with you.
And then you did it. You let your insecurities go too far. You asked me if I had faked being happy. You asked me if I had faked being happy. You wanted to know whether I would rather have spent my time somewhere else, or with someone else. But what you didn’t know, is that I was happy, and I was right where I wanted to be.
When things start out so well, we don’t know where they will go. Hopefully, they can just happen, and we can just be together and enjoy it is for what it is; but that didn’t happen this time. You let your insecurities get the better of you, and what happened, is, even though you said you were sorry, they hurt me. What you should know, is that you have no reason to be insecure with me, I love you. I am not going to change that; but I can’t go on being second guessed. I understand a reason to be weary of love; it involves taking a huge gamble, but you have already won, there is no reason to worry. I need you to know that I can’t have you wondering if I would rather be elsewhere when I am with you. If I do want to be somewhere else, I will tell you, and I hope that will be okay, but that was not the case with today.
I believe there is definitely more work that we are going to have to do here. Definitely.
I just wish that we could co-exist, and have our time we spend together be good, and time we spend apart be good as well. I just wish that I could have some space when I need it, and it not carry the price of hurting you, or making you feel insecure; even during the times I am standing right beside you. I just wish…
