Tag: friends

picking up right where we left off…

I had a great lunch today with one of my best friends in the whole world, who is pictured here with me. We met way back at the beginning of my freshman year of college, at a little university called Campbell University in the not-quite-a-town of Buies Creek, NC.

I met Margaret one night early in the school year, when we were all going to go out clubbing, and my first memories of her are of her cussing out some people, telling them she was going to kill them if they didn’t back their fucking car up (because they were blocking us in). Needless to say, I thought she was a bit crazy at that moment, but I was quickly proven wrong. Margaret and I quickly became best friends, spending almost every minute together. After our freshman year, we both left the school, but stayed in touch, much in the way you do with long distance friends; with only the occasional call or email or letter.

Over the years, even though we rarely saw each other, each time we did, it was like we just picked right up where we left off. There was never a reacquaintence awkward period; it was always right back to the best friends that were brought together way back in our freshman year.

When I was finishing my final semester at ECU, Margaret broke up with her then boyfriend, and felt like she had to move to warmer climates (away from Pennsylvania), and so she came to live with me. We lived together for about 5 months or so, and during that time, she was the very first person that I came out to. Margaret was there for one of the biggest things that has ever happened to me in my life, and I am grateful that she was the person that supported me in the way she did. I am glad that it was her that first heard me say those faithful words, “I’m gay”; because I could think of no one more suitable.

Margaret has always been one of those friends that has been there. I know that even though she and I hardly see each other, that she is just a phone call away, and that when we do meet up again, it will be just like old times. It is rare to have friends like this, that transcend time and distance, but Margaret is definitely one of those friends. It was great seeing her and her fiance’ today, and I can’t wait until our next meeting.

Until then… She is getting married next March, so I know that I will see her then for sure… so now I just need to focus on losing weight for the wedding!! Here’s to great friends like Margaret, who are always there in your life.

but what about what I need?

… what about me?

That’s what Effie White asks of her friends in Dreamgirls, when they ask her to sacrifice for the betterment of the whole group. I have been having the same questions run through my brain lately, with regards to friends, family, acceptance, etc, and I have to say, I think that while Effie does have a point, I realize that the group has an equally valid point, as well. Effie needs her needs met, and she feels that they aren’t being seen by those in the group. Meanwhile, the group also needs their needs met, and in order for that to happen, Effie has to give in. This doesn’t make Effie selfish or a bad person, it just illustrates that in many cases, we don’t understand the dynamics of our feelings. She also illustrates that she is truly considerate, because she does bend. (well, until she breaks, but that is Dreamgirls… we are talking about me now)

I have recently taken some extensive time to evaluate what I need, and how I go about meeting those needs. I have been asking myself the above questions, and I feel like I haven’t given enough consideration to what the “group” needs. I have made the same mistake as Effie, by worrying more about my own needs, and not realizing, that my needs can be met, even if not in the way that I had expected. Additionally, and most importantly, I am ultimately in charge of meeting my own needs.

Fact of the matter is, through my reflection and examination of my current situation and feelings about friends, family, etc, I have realized that first and foremost, it is up to me to make things happen. Instead of saying, “what about me” to someone else, I need to say it to myself. I need to then realize what they have on their plate, and hopefully, we can come to some sort of middle ground. And if not, I need to realize that in the end, it is always up to me to make myself happy. It is always up to me to make myself feel good about myself; and that should be my focus.

I have got to stop seeking approval for things that need no approval. Additionally, I MUST stop seeking approval for that which has been approved of. I have got to stop worrying about what goes on in ways that I don’t understand, especially in cases when they don’t necessarily meet my needs. I realize that some of those people that I question, really do want to work with me. They really do want what’s best for the “group”, which definitely includes me. They want me to be happy, but they too realize, that the only person that can make them happy, is themselves; so they expect me to realize that, and adjust as necessary. Until now, I admit that I have been ignorantly guilty of not doing that as much as I should. I want to do better.

Given my recent introspective thought, and time spent examining how I handle things, feelings, and actions, I hope that I have reached a new place where I can start to ask myself “but what about me?”, as opposed to displacing that onto the “group”. I hope that from here on out, I can realize that it is up to me to make myself happy, and instead of questioning things too much, over-analyzing things that shouldn’t be analyzed at all, and continually seeking approval for that which has been previously approved of, I can focus more on making myself happy. I know that ultimately, these are distractions that keep me from being happy, and I inadvertently find myself doing them to people over and over again, not out of malicious intent, but out of vicious coping mechanisms that were built to deal with my childhood.

I hope that I can change… but it is going to be more than a retrospective thought process. This is going to take some time. So, Dreamgirls, please bear with me. I want what’s best for us, and I don’t want to give up on us. Know that I really care, and I am working on it. Epiphany can be a powerful thing; as it has proven to recently be. So, know that I am trying. As Effie says later in the film, “I am changing. Trying every way I can. I am changing. I’ll be better than I am.”

And you know what, I am changing. And I will be better than I am.

mismanaged monday meandering

Alliteration, bitch, WHAT!?

So yeah, lots in my head today. Here we go.

  • I am still sort of reeling from the news that my friend is positive. He hasn’t told me, but I want to talk to him. Not sure of how to do that without seeming totally conspicuous. Perhaps I will use another friend as a contact. We’ll have to see where this goes.
  • I am not attracted to Ray Lamontagne at all (way too shaggy), but I definitely love him. His music is awesome. I am seriously all, Damien Rice who(?) now. HA!
  • I can’t believe that this article was written recently. Seriously, a checklist to see if your husband is gay? So basically, if your husband hates gay people, or, if he likes them and surround himself with gay people, he must be gay. Well, that is pretty much everyone, the gay haters, and the gay supporters; we must all be gay! WTF? I would like to believe that times are becoming more progressive, but people still holding these antiquated views of homosexuality really show that we have a long uphill battle ahead. Now, while I am sure that it is very difficult for a woman to discover that she is married to a gay man, I don’t like that the gay men are painted as some sort of predatory manipulator that is trying to take advantage of the marriage situation, just to make himself feel better (without regard for his wife’s feelings). That is just BS, and we all know it (at least, we should). Being gay is hard, and admitting it and living it is even harder; but getting married because you aren’t okay with your homosexuality isn’t some sort of manipulation game you are playing with, it is obviously way more complex than that. I just can’t believe that there is a checklist that reinforces all of those stupid stereotypes. Ugh, I would like to think that we are normalizing homosexuality, but things like this are just creating more stigma. Bleck.
  • I really don’t know how I feel about this. I mean, it is good that Barbara Walters is bring attention to something that really goes unnoticed (that is, until someone is beaten to death because they are transgendered) and something that is utterly shunned, but I don’t know what the impact on these kids will be. First of all, a HUGE kudos to the parents who support their children; I hate those so-called Christians that throw their children out because they didn’t come out exactly like “God made them”, i.e. “normal”. At least there are parents who are supporting their children. I guess my concern, is that exposure as transsexual really does put them at risk for those nutsos that really would want to beat them to death for who they are. I just have hope that people can change, you know? I just want the world to be more tolerant; is that so much to ask? Until the answer to that question is a resounding ‘no’, I will be concerned for people that deal with situations like being transgendered, and even for those that have the unfortunate circumstance of being gay in a very homophobic area. Be careful!
  • I painted two paintings last night. I think that it is definitely one of the first times I have painted something, and was very pleased with the initial results. It came out exactly as I imagined, and I haven’t second guessed the project at all. I am kind of floored with my lack of criticism, to be quite honest. I will put some pictures up, hopefully this afternoon. I can’t wait to hang them up!! It also reminds me of my utter wish that I could do creative things for a living… but alas, I do live in the real world, not the dream world where I get to do things I enjoy for a living…
  • Finally, a HUGE WTF for this story. I mean seriously… not one spider, but TWO SPIDERS were living in this kid’s ear. That freaks me the fuck out. My grandma was just telling me the other day that she cleaned out her boyfriend’s ears, and got a pea-sized amount of wax out (EW!) because he NEVER cleans them. WTF?! I am very weird about stuff in my ear, and I am just shivering thinking about a spider being in there. Yikes!

Yeah, so um, yeah. That’s what’s going on with me right now. How about you?

thinking on tuesday: the results

See! Sexual orientation is not a choice! Science is doing what it can to prove what we “sexual deviants” have always known to be true. Now, getting people to accept it… that’s the tricky part.

I don’t see how an anti-American protest and a call for American forces to leave Iraq on the 4th anniversary of the fall of Baghdad shows “progress” in the “war on terror”. To me, that just gives us more and more face time with the reality that we shouldn’t be there at all. The progress will come when we stop occupying a country that we have no business occupying. Sure, they weren’t able to assemble like that under Saddam (which is why it was touted as progress), but, uh, can’t we see that WE are their enemy? We weren’t the enemy before the war, so apparently, the progress here is in creating new enemies for ourselves.

On another war related thought, why don’t we hear more about the American troops that are killed every day in Iraq? I mean, there were 30 some odd troops killed over the weekend, and I don’t see that article or that reference anywhere. Instead, you have idiots like Mccain saying that Iraq is actually safer, speaking from under his body armor and from inside his heavily guarded human border. If Iraq is getting safer, how come more than a hundred people are killed there almost every day? That doesn’t sound very safe to me, especially since violence is surging in other parts of Iraq. So I guess “saving” Baghdad is all we need to say that things are going great? Gah.

Who the fuck eats peeps? I mean, they are pretty and all, but they are fucking gross. I love marshmallows, and I wonder why they had to ruin them by coating them in sugar. Who even eats just sugar anyway? It is gross! I did get a bunch of them though, and have been, and will continue to, take pictures of them. Like I said, they are pretty.

I worried about Sydney. He is still not feeling well, and I am letting my emotions get the better of me. I hope that he is back to normal very soon. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him. I pray that nothing will.

Drinking every day is not a bad thing. Nope, not at all. Would you like another glass of wine?

I am really looking forward to dinner and drinks with my friends tonight. I love spending time with good friends.

That’s about it.

good to know…

Yesterday, I had a cookout for a few good friends of mine, and we had a problem getting the grill going when it was time to prepare the meat. Basically, every time it gets cold outside, our grill (which is a gas grill), has a problem heating up, because the flames stay low, and the gas doesn’t want to come out quickly for whatever reason. I knew that this was because the gas in the tank is actually liquid, and it turns to gas when it is released (at least, that is what I think it does), and because of the cold, it just does it slower. Well, we have never been able to remedy that situation before, and I thought that all was lost, until, low and behold, we stumbled on an accidental solution!!!

Basically, there is a place on the side of the tank that you can pour hot water on to test and see how much gas you have left. To be sure that it wasn’t low on gas, and that was actually the problem, I conducted the test. Much to my surprise, pouring hot water on the tank made the flames come out much faster and more intense! It was almost instantaneous! So, I took a few more glasses of hot water out, and doused the sides of the tank, and we were back in business! The temperature quickly rose to where it needed to be, and all was saved. I was pleasantly surprised to find this accidental solution, especially because this problem has plagued us before, and we could never think of a solution. Well, that is something that is defeinitely good to know!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend, and hope you have a relaxing and happy Easter as well!

ways to make yourself extremely frustrated

Update: Good grief. More frustration just in: Here’s another way to get frustrated; you realize that these are the people that are leading the country, and that they probably think that this is true. Tony Snow says that the Congress doesn’t have oversight of what the White House does. Hmm… I’m pretty sure that is the point of having a Congress, but then again, I’m not the press secretary, so maybe I got it wrong. Frustrating indeed. I guess we could just get rid of Congress you know, and then Bush could be the dictator he always wanted to be. That way, no one would be able to weigh in on any decisions that he makes, and he could just do whatever he wanted! Geez… what tyrants these boys keep proving themselves to be!

Right now, the number one way I am making myself frustrated, is trying to figure out how to change some of the things on my blog template. I feel like the side bar is extremely cluttered, and I wanted to get a drop down menu thing going on for the categories and the archives. But it doesn’t seem to be a solution out there that doesn’t require me to be an expert at PHP. I have toyed around with all of the suggestions I could find, and ended up more frustrated than anything, because nothing worked. Also, I don’t know if you have seen the files for the wordpress theme K2 or not, but when I click on edit, and it displays the code, I start to have the shakes and go into a pre-convulsive state.

I managed to learn quite a lot when I first started blogging, mainly, updating my HTML skills to moderate from easy, and learning all I could about CSS. The result was that I was able to edit and develop the template that I liked the most, and I was even lucky enough to stumble onto helpful solutions (the same drop down menu problem as now, was solved before). But I just feel lost right now. I mean, PHP seems SOOO confusing to me, mainly because it is this completely foreign code. I totally get CSS, but PHP is miles above my head.

Is there anyone out there that feels my frustration and wants to lend a helpful hint as to how I can A) learn some PHP so that I can do this myself, and B) point me in a direction where I will be able to find the solution? I am tired of going around in circles on the forums trying to see if anyone else has the same issue, only to see that they too never got it resolved.

I am also interested in maybe designing my own template, not because I don’t like K2 (because I really do), but because I don’t want to be limited in the future because of this template.

And that’s where I am sitting at this Friday afternoon. I hope everyone else is have a good day. One final note, yesterday, James and I met some old friends for beers after work, and it was definitely a great time. All of us haven’t gotten together in quite a while, and it was really nice to reconnect, and it made me realize that it has been too long. I hope that this is a sign that we will all start doing more things together, because good friends are certainly hard to come by, and when you have them, life is good.

Lily Allen @ the Loft 3/19/07

First of all, before I get to the frivolity of gushing over the pure pop deliciousness that is Lily Allen, and go on and on about how wonderful her concert last night was, I feel the need to address the petty drivel that continues to go on about the expressing of opinions, both by me, of me, and of others. AGAIN, for like the billionth time I have said this, I am going to say whatever I want, and if you want to disagree with me, cool! I welcome your opinions! If you want to blog about it on your blog, awesome!! I say go for it! But, if you are going to be sneaky, and blog about it on your blog, especially if you are going to do so by taking my words out of context and developing an opinion of me without addressing me, then you are going the coward’s route by talking about me behind my back. Just because the internet is a “public forum” doesn’t mean that talking shit about someone on your blog without their knowledge isn’t talking about them behind their back. If you want to do that, AGAIN, I am 100% fine with whatever you want to say or think about me, I have tough skin, and trust me, there is little you can do to hurt me. But just know that you are a ball-less coward, because if you really had the stones, you would just address me on here, where we could probably actually discuss it. But again, that’s your choice; just don’t accuse me of “preventing you from saying what you want”, because AGAIN, that is completely inaccurate. Jesus I am sick of talking about this shit, it is really frustrating talking to people who don’t listen.

Lily Allen 3/19/07 AtlantaAlright… Now on to Lily Allen!!! Last night, we went to the Loft (which I don’t know if they have changed the name to Center Stage again or not, it was actually a bit confusing) to see Lily Allen, and I have to say, she was bloody marvelous. I was a little nervous, mainly because I have never seen her live before, and I usually like to get an idea of what someone sings like live before I head out to a show, but Lily was fantastic. I absolutely loved her stage presence; she swears, she takes shots, she smokes, and she tells it like it is. I went into the show really liking her, and left loving her.

One of the things I love about concerts, is when the artist gives little quips about the songs that he/she/they are about to perform. Giving some story or some little anecdotal bits about the songs make them more meaningful, and sometimes, even clarify what the song actually means for me. Lily did that wonderfully, talking about the boyfriend who had a little penis and who didn’t know how to use it (“it’s the motion in the ocean, right ladies?” she asked, “not!” she quickly replied), and getting even with the girl that gave her shit in school (“this song’s about a girl that was like that bitch from Mean Girls.” she said, “I wonder what she is doing now… I’m playing to thousands of people in the ATL! HA!”). Overall, I loved Lily’s voice, and her singing is spot on. Add in the comedic quips, and you have a very entertaining show. I highly recommend that you pick up her CD if you are still living under a rock and haven’t heard of her. I also recommend that you kick yourself for not going last night, and try to catch her next time she is in town. This broad is great!

Something funny and weird happened at the show that was too interesting not to blog about. Basically, the Loft is standing room only, save for chairs that stadium up the back and sides of the main floor. Most of the people opted to stand, because being a small venue, you actually can get quite close. We were standing towards to side, and were by no means crowded or uncomfortable, but we still managed to get pushed enough to be annoyed. Finally, one girl aggressively pushes my friend Stu, and I was like, “Geez, why not just push him down! You could at least say, Excuse me.”, to her, loud enough that I knew she heard it. She immediately turns around, taps me on the shoulder, and seriously said, “Look, my father has cancer. We are going out tonight drinking because I am upset about it. I’m sorry, but I am being a bitch tonight.”, and then stormed off. Seriously. Her dad has cancer, so she gets to push her way around a concert like a bitch. Um, whatever sister. Dad + cancer does not = a free ride without manners in life. Think of some other excuse, or just be more polite in the future. Even her friend said, “Did you really just say that?”. Um, yeah. Other than miss prissy pants, the night went off without a hitch. The concert volume wasn’t too loud (which I HATE when it is), we met some friends at the show, and the concert ended early enough for me to get home and be in bed at a reasonable time. What a great night, eh!? I have put some pictures I took at the show up on my flickr page; be sure to check them out!

beware the ides of march!

Today is the day that Julius Caesar was famously murdered by his friends and fellow senate members way back in 44BC. Lesson? Pay attention when someone disagrees with you, they may stab you in the back to get their way. (But they got theirs in the end) Either way, I remember when I was in high school, our Latin teacher had us wear togas to school on this day; I never did, but always wanted to. Maybe I will wear one tonight in remembrance of Caesar…

Last night was the monthly APWBWGTTD meet up, and there were two new faces at the table: Richard (not Robert!), and Leah, both of which were nice to meet in person. Among other things, it the potential of moving the event to another night was discussed, perhaps Thursdays; mostly because there are SEVERAL groups that meet at Manuel’s on Wednesdays. Any other suggestions? I really like meeting at Manuel’s, so I think that one day later (Thursday’s) would be fine with me. Also, let it be known that the person that wanted the meetings on Wednesday has not been to a single one since we started having them on Wednesdays (where oh where are you?!). I’m just saying. Either way, last night was a lot of fun, and I managed to break a bottle of hot sauce on my way out of the restaurant. Classy. Thanks to Barry for making the napkin happen, and even more for posting it online. I am curious now though… I want to at least see what this cone is all about in person; without needing to “interact” with it. Also, it is agreed that Firefox is much better than IE, so stop using it if you are still holding out. I will send out an evite for next months meet up when I get your thoughts about the day, okay? (UPDATE: Leah provided me with a picture of the saucetastrophy (above), so I had to include it. Such sauce carnage… sigh)

Also, I turned on my ipod today, and put it on shuffle, only to hear a song that totally takes me back. I love when there are songs that can do that, put you right back where you were when you first heard it, or when you discovered it and started listening to it over and over. There aren’t many albums that do that to me anymore, but Siamese Dream by Smashing Pumpkins will always be one of those albums. Just in case you wanted to know, the song was Hummer. God I love that record. Anyways…

I’m just doing too much thinking today, and will save you from it, but just know that my brain is full. Difficult to concentrate pretty much sums it up. Hope that everyone else is having a great day; I’m also plagued with a crick in my neck because I apparently fell asleep (according to James) with my head hanging off of the couch. Sweet. I mean, OW!

February’s APWBWGTTD

barry through the boozeLast night was our monthly meet-up, and we had a great turn out! I was glad to see 10 people show up, even though, most of us were the regulars… which is actually a good thing, and I wish we could add more to our regular APWBWGTTD line up. Fun was had, booze was consumed, and even a few people ate. We did have a good time, and I have say, that I am super jazzed to find out that Manuel’s has a non-smoking section! I didn’t know that before last night, but I can guarantee that it will increase my desire to go there for drinks and whatnot… I won’t have to leave smelling like a bar.

There were a few things that I observed last night that I would like to share here:

  • No one should be bribed with beer to drink Au Jus. Seriously, that is just mean. And gross.
  • Maigh is a fucking freak for fireballs. And rightly so, they are delicious. (see below for proof)
  • Sometimes being around someone that you haven’t talked to in months doesn’t have to be too awkward. So long as you are willing to just let it go; even if they pretend nothing happened. Oh well.
  • At Manuel’s (at least), you can order your own pitcher… no questions asked. Sweet!
  • Apparently, this super deluxe has some funny shit. And the President’s song isn’t as funny when it comes from three drunkards. Perhaps I will have to check it out for myself. And Barry loves kitty no legs. Whatever that is.
  • Anna Nicole is not a celebrity, and people should just shut up about it already. At least, according to dave.
  • Passing your camera around to let everyone have an opportunity to take pictures at different angles may or may not be a good idea for the future… Dave wanted to take it to the bathroom, and instead just ended up taking close ups of my head. Which I deleted. (sorry dave). Other than dave’s proposed adventures with my camera, we did get a bunch of fun shots of the crew.
  • When you schedule an event on Wednesday because one person wants it to be on Wednesdays so that he can attend, don’t expect him to actually attend, or you may be let down. I realize (and this is the only reason I took the reigns from Lori), that people are going to show up, or not, and it doesn’t really matter, as long as those of us that ARE there have fun (which we did).
  • There are a bunch of political groups that meet at Manuel’s on Wednesdays.
  • Apparently, a black eye (which I have from banging my head on my chest of drawers) can be perceived as eye shadow on some… like on me. I just think it is funny that some thought I was wearing eye shadow (period), and even more, that I was only wearing it on one eye. Classic.

maigh is a fucking freak for fireballs
Well, that’s about it… I am sure that everyone else could come up with some stuff from last night, but I will leave it here. I had a great time, and I can’t wait until next month. Be there or be a gelatinous blob, bitches! The next APWBWGTTD will be on March 14, so mark your calendars now… I will send out an evite shortly. Thanks for coming out! (photos are obviously on flickr, so check ’em out, if you want)

go J.Hud!!1!!!1! and hanky panky (well, the talk of)

So, basically, I have been going nuts over Dreamgirls for a while here on the blog, and last night, the Golden Globes recognized our girl Jennifer Hudson as the best supporting actress!! You go girl! I am so happy for her, because it was definitely not her time when she was voted off AI, and this just goes to show that sometimes, not winning doesn’t mean the end. I certainly hope she can parlay this into a successful career, because we need more people like her around!

You would think, though, like a good little queer, I would have been hosting a fabulous GG party last night to partake in the festivities and cheer on the aforementioned diva, but interestingly enough, we did have people over, but none of us watched TV. In fact, we all just hung out in the living room and talked. It was actually quite nice. It was like getting to know your friends, which is just interesting, because, well, we are all friends already, but sometimes you learn things about each other by talking (that’s right! No TV, talking, WTF?!?!111!!). It reminded me of when we waited all night outside Target for the Wii… same thing as last night, but there was more drinking last night, and it was not cold. And, well, we weren’t sitting outside a Target all night long.

What was interesting about last night, though, was that the conversation quickly made a turn when we decided to have a rousing game of “never have I ever…”. Needless to say, it was quite fun to see who had done what, and who hadn’t done it at all. I learned a lot about what goes on in some of my friend’s bedrooms, and what has gone on in public places as well. While it was fun, and definitely interesting, I have to say that I solidified something that I only sort of believed about myself: I am definitely a prude when it comes to sex. Most of my friends have done this, that, and the other, by themselves, with one, two, or three, and well, me, I just haven’t. Of course I have done the deed, but for the most part, I am pretty vanilla when it comes to hanky panky.

Now, I am not saying that there is a “requirement” to do more things sexually, or need to be more sexually “adventurous”, but I never went through the so-called “whore” phase when I came out, and as such, haven’t really done that much sexually (because supposedly, this is when most gay men reach a sexual awakening, and go, well, buck wild). Mostly, this is because of my thoughts on sex, a lot of which stems from my upbringing, where I didn’t learn anything about sex until I found it out on my own. Couple that with good old fashioned guilt about everything, and you have someone that thought for the longest time that sex before marriage was a big old sin that should never be committed. Sure, it may be a sin, but I really, really was against it. Thank goodness that I am not so weird about it any more, but I still can’t seem to shake that little “oh no! we couldn’t do that!!!” bird that sits on my shoulder, and to this day, I really don’t know where it came from (or why it won’t go away!). But I guess I can say this; I have been a careful boy. I am safe today as a result. That is a definite plus. But, I can’t help but feel like I may have missed out on some stuff. Now, I know it is never too late, but that little bird is still there, so I don’t know how much I will (if ever) do differently. Now, I am not fretting or anything, and it is definitely c’est la vie for sure, because it is, after all, just sex, but it was interesting to find out that my thoughts that I may be Prudence McPrude was actually a pretty spot on reality. It doesn’t change how much I think about sex, or how much I love looking at the mens, but it definitely curbs my actions. I guess you could say that I am definitely a think-before-you-act kinda guy… and maybe that isn’t SO bad.