Tag: family

year end… again

So again, I find myself at the end of another year, and I am sitting here asking myself, what has happened with this year? It has flown by. Since I started nursing school, and since being a nurse full time, I find that I need to have way more down time, and time that I spend recovering from the job, mostly because it is so tough. That being said, I am definitely still here, and things are good; in fact, much better right now than before, and I feel that it will keep getting better. Here’s a few things that have happened recently that I probably should have blogged about, but didn’t.


In September, James and I got married in DC. Here’s a lot of photos, and I realize that I need to upload so many more… in time. It was an amazing experience. We have been together for a little over 11 years, and we got married with friends and family, and it was honestly, the best I could have imagined. My parents were there, James’ parents were there, and everything went over without any issues. The wedding itself was short and sweet, which I liked, the reception was amazing, and is something that we can always cherish. There were many great memories, lots of fun, and I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

A little over a month ago, I decided to take a big chance, and switch jobs (and hospitals). So far, going from the Emergency Department to the ICU has been a bit of a change (unorganized chaos to timely structure), but I can already tell that I am a lot less stressed, and a lot less upset all of the time. I think the pressure of the ungrateful, not-sick-give-me-a-sandwich patients in the ED finally wore me out, and the universe gave me a huge sign that it was time for a change. I am excited about this new opportunity, and I cannot wait until I get more accustomed to my new environment, and feel as comfortable here as I did in the ED. I have already learned a lot, and I know that this was a good move, and I am excited for the new experience.

Lastly, I started grad school for my MSN, which will propel me from RN to FNP. I am getting more into the process, and I am sure that this is going to be a great thing in the long run, but it’s definitely another major undertaking, that I have decided to take on. It seems that I either love school, or love student loan debt, because here I go again… although the outcome will be a major reward, and I know that it will be difficult, but is ultimately a great choice.

All in all, it’s been a busy year, and many changes have taken place; and I expect great things as a result. Here’s to a great (and hopefully even better than 2014) 2015!

thankful

It has occurred to me that this year has been quite the tumultuous one, and while I remain extremely stressed most of the time, I have a lot to be thankful for.

James and I have been together 9 years and counting, and I couldn’t be happier. We keep talking about potentially having a child someday, so who knows, maybe we will be parents in the future?!

While we did lose my dear, sweet Sydney this year, which was the worst day of my life by far, we welcomed Charlie into our lives, and it has been quite an adventure. He is pretty good, but when is bad, he can be pretty bad. Poop and pee monster, for sure! Also, please stop chewing on everything in sight, little man!! I still miss Sydney each and every day, and some days are harder than others, but I am just thankful I was able to have a wonderful almost 8 years with him. I love you Sydney!!

We bought a house this year. It was an ironically called short sale, which took a stressful 4 months to complete. We have the house, we don’t have the house, we have the house, we don’t have the house… ACK! Overall, it worked out, and we rented our house to our friend and real estate agent, but it still doesn’t feel totally real at times. This is the house we always wanted, and getting it seems a little dream like, and I guess it is hard to process.

I have been working as a nurse for a year and half now, and I still find that I am not over nursing school. It was a terrible experience that really tore me down emotionally, physically, and my confidence is having a hard time bouncing back. I do feel like I am more proficient in my profession, and I do take a lot of joy home from my job, but there are days that are so intense and they don’t need to be. It just really wears on me at times. I was talking with a coworker recently when it really dawned on me; I have been through a LOT this year, as well as from the beginning of nursing school until now, so maybe a real vacation is in order in the near future.

Finally, I do have to say, that while my anhedonia is a large part of my lack of blogging and participating in my hobbies, I am somewhat content, and I am thankful for the wonderful things in my life. I have an amazing partner, wonderful dogs that love me, a great house that I am trying to realize is a wonderful home, and excellent friends that I get to spend time with. Overall, there is more to be thankful for that not, and that’s something worth noting.

5SF: january 2

Happy new year, everyone! I had a great time making my year end list for you, and I hope that I exposed you to some great music that you can enjoy; I know that I enjoyed each one of those albums in 2008, and will continue to do so in the new year. However, now that 2008 has bowed out, and we find ourselves on the first Friday since the countdown began, I just couldn’t wait to get back to the regular installments of five song Fridays! So, let’s get started; each track that I am featuring this week is MASSIVE, and some of them I have been sitting on since the beginning of December, waiting in extreme anticipation to bring them to you! Well, that time has arrived, so here we go!

LeAnn Rimes – What I Cannot Change
[audio:http://www.duanemoody.com/audio/fsf_12_leannrimes-whaticannotchange.mp3]
While this song may have come out way back in 2007 (waaay back, eh… lol), I only recently heard it when the dance mix surfaced. After really digging the dance mix, I was intrigued to hear the original, mostly because the lyrics were so emotionally driven and completely heartfelt; not to mention how much I related to them. Well, shock me, because when I heard the original, I realized that I had just heard a song that I would come to count amongst my favorite songs I’ve ever heard. This song is beautiful and amazing. The lyrics speak of pain that has been endured, and a painful solution to deal with the future of family and the unknown. This song completely speaks to me, and I relate wholeheartedly. I read a review of this CD, however, and someone got snippy and insisted that LeAnn would be better off singing about how “good she had it”, and to that, I call bullshit; it’s insulting to someone who has legitimately been through something to insist that they just get over it and move on. LeAnn has made a daring testament to dealing with a less than desirable family situation, and she has done so in the most beautiful way imaginable; I for one applaud her putting this out there and showing us some of her vulnerability. Screw you, reviewer… bravo LeAnn, girl, I certainly relate. I have been playing this song, non-stop on massive repeat since I heard it. It is truly amazing.

Sara Bareilles feat. Ingrid Michaelson – Winter Song
[audio:http://www.duanemoody.com/audio/fsf_12_sarabareilles-wintersong.mp3]
Something that you may not know about me, is that I DETEST Christmas music. Seriously, hearing holly jolly Christmas is like nails on a chalk board to me, so the idea of a Christmas album is almost a complete NO from me. However, when I saw that Sara Bareilles has contributed, I had to take a listen; she has done a somewhat “Christmas-ish” song in the past that I loved; her live cover of River is amazing. Well, the 30 second clip on iTunes proved this to be another amazing Sara B track, so I had to snag it. I have to say, that I appreciate how many of you readers asked me if I had heard this song, because it really makes me appreciate the give and take with us sharing our music tastes!! I wanted to feature it, because even though Xmas has passed, this song is more of a “winter” song (ha!), and it is still winter, so why not, right?! This counts as one “Christmas” song I actually love!

A Camp – Stronger Than Jesus
[audio:http://www.duanemoody.com/audio/fsf_12_acamp-strongerthanjesus.mp3]
I will admit that I actually screamed out loud a little bit when I heard that the new A Camp album was coming out in early 2009, and even more when I heard this amazing first single from that album (Colonia). I have loved Nina Persson for a very long time, and I count her amongst my favorite female vocalists; and the Cardigans are one of my favorite groups as well. With her previous A Camp album, Nina Persson did not disappoint me, and I know that by how much I am loving this song, that this record will probably be amongst my top records of 2009! See, I’m always calculating that list, people! I’m just hoping that they tour nearby; that would really make my day! As of this moment, the new A Camp is my most anticipated album of 2009.

Feist with the Constantines – Islands In The Stream
[audio:http://www.duanemoody.com/audio/fsf_12_feist-islandsinthestream.mp3]
Wow. Can we say amazing?! It’s no surprise that I love Feist, and when she released a deluxe version of her amazing album, The Reminder, I was floored that this song was included. It is a brilliant remake of the original guilty pleasure made famous by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. Feist’s sweet vocals paired with the Constantines is a real treat, and I am nothing less that elated to pass this one on to you. I love a GREAT cover, and this is truly a great cover of a classic hit. I hope that this treat gets some real attention, because its greatness really cannot be ignored. This song makes me want to go sing karaoke; right now!

The Bird and The Bee – Love Letter To Japan
[audio:http://www.duanemoody.com/audio/fsf_12_thebirdandthebee-lovelettertojapan.mp3]
Finally today, I am pleased to announce another highly anticipated album of 2009! I love the sweet throwback sounds of the Bird and the Bee, and their last album was a complete and utter delight. Well, they are scheduled to release their next album later this month (January 27), and judging by this first single, it should be just as good as their debut; and possibly even better. The Bird and The Bee are another one to watch out for this year, because if they keep going strong with their amazing jazz/dance/pop style that I love so much, I am sure that their sophomore album will be on my year end list too. I love when my favorite artists release new stuff and it is great, and like this song, does everything to make me excited about the rest of the record!

Well, there’s the first five of the new year. I hope you enjoyed your new year’s eve, and I hope these songs find you well in the new year. There are some massive tracks here, so let me know what you think, and as always, let me know what you are listening to! After going through my favorites of 2008, I am dying to know what I missed, and what I need to be paying attention to in 2009!

weekend getaway

This weekend was James’ 30th birthday!!!

So, we went up to a cabin in the middle of NOWHERE about 1 hour from Chattanooga. It was a quaint and cute little place. I surprised James by inviting his mom and dad to come and meet us there on Saturday night.

He had no idea until they knocked on the door. It was hilarious.

We had a great time, went to see Rock City, where I took tons of pictures (stay tuned), and celebrated James’ first steps into a new decade of life.

Overall, it was a great weekend, and I hope that he had a great birthday. Love you James!! Happy Birthday!!

Also turning the big 3-0 this weekend was my best buddy Margaret… I hope you had a great one too girl!! Love ya!!

In fact, I hope everyone had a great weekend, whether you turned 30 or not!

brothers and sisters and mother’s day

The season finale of Brothers and Sisters was magnificent. The wedding between Kevin and Scotty was gorgeous and touching. It was moving to see two men get married on TV, and it be treated as a joyous event. I couldn’t help but find it a bit fitting, though, that it aired on Mother’s day, and that Scotty’s parents refused to come to the wedding because of their beliefs.

My parents have never said it to my face, but I know they don’t “approve” of my life. It doesn’t really make sense, however, because my life is nothing they have the option to approve of or not; I am who I am, take it or leave it. I made the choice to be myself, and if you don’t like it, that is not my problem. I almost cried when they showed Scotty’s parents reacting the way they did; not because I felt bad for Scotty, even though I do. Mostly, I felt bad for his parents, and in the same way, I felt bad for mine. They are missing out on my life because of choices that they are making.

I called my mother today, and was only able to leave her a message. Same for my sister. Neither returned my call. My grandma talked to me for over and hour, and was elated that I called. I guess that you have to make choices in your life; we all do. They did, and so do I. And I have. Regardless of how they can burn sometimes when you think about them, getting to those decisions was hard enough, that you have to really stick by them. After all… you weren’t the only one that made a choice; you are just the one that made the choice to make yourself happy.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom… I hope it was great. It’s sad we can’t be more of a family, but I understand. I can’t change it, and I am okay with that. I have learned to live with it, and as such, I’ll move on like I always do. I hope you know that I love you, and that you know that I can’t change, and that I can only live my life for me at this point; so that’s what I am doing.

“family” woe and health concerns

Yesterday I got a call that NO ONE wants to get: my Grandma is in the hospital. I had spoken to her earlier in the week, and knew that she was having some adverse reactions to a new blood pressure medication, but I didn’t realize it was bad enough for her to need emergency transport and a hospital stay. I just talked with her, and she is feeling really good (other than having to deal with freezing hospital temperatures, and long wait times), and apparently, all of her tests are coming back normal. Whew. That makes me feel good to know that she is doing well, and it is probably that medication, as we were talking about the other day. Now, she can get a new medication (and a new doctor, IMHO), and hopefully, get back to feeling right as rain soon.

UPDATE: I just got the news that she is about to go home. YAY! I just hope that she is feeling good ASAP.

As I desperately tried to get in touch with someone who would have information after my cousin called me with that news last night (who totally came through for me, and has always been there amazingly… thanks cuz!), I was troubled that I hadn’t heard anything, and couldn’t get any information from the hospital as to her condition. After several phone calls, I finally got to talk with my Grandma around 9:30, only to find out that she was at the hospital by herself.

As of this moment, I haven’t heard a single word from either of my parents. What the fuck? As those of you that have read this blog may know, I clearly have family woes when it comes to my parents, but this just reinforces something frighteningly clear to me: the distance between us is not only geographical, and it doesn’t only apply to me. I was so angry when I talked with my Grandma, and found out that my sister’s husband was one of the people that came in the ambulance that brought my Grandma to the hospital. I was angry, because that means that not only do my parents have to know that she is in the hospital, that they neither saw it important enough to check in on her, nor alert me to her being there in the first place… and they wonder why I am “so distant”.

Care or don’t care, that is up to you, but it is glaringly clear to me what is truly important in the minds of some of my family members, and it truly makes me sad. I also wish that whole “why don’t you ever visit” mind game would stop; you KNOW why. I wish things could be different, but apparently, they are not going to get any better, and I have to deal with that. I have to deal with it, because they aren’t going to. I just hope my Grandma knows that I care, and that I am here for her; she is one of the only people that has consistently been there for me in return, and in my “family”, that is a very, very rare thing.

weekend recap

This weekend, my awesome cousin came for a visit, and we had a blast. Photo strolls with Deb, brunch with Deb, Anne, Syd, and the girls, and hanging out with friends and watching movies. Yesterday, I took off work, and we braved the aquarium, because our initial plan of taking pictures at the botanical gardens was a no-go; the gardens are closed on Mondays. Overall, it was a great visit, and it just makes me wish that I lived closer to my real family. There aren’t many of them, and I would certainly love to be able to see them more often. Either way, the weekend was a warmly welcomed great time. Also, she completely hooked me up with a new lens for my camera; in exchange for a ticket to come visit in the future. Done and done!! Now, I definitely have to practice shooting with my new Canon 70-300mm IS lens! It is the bomb! Thanks cuz!

Something else interesting from this weekend: this weekend was my mother’s birthday, Saturday to be exact. While the fact that it was her birthday isn’t that interesting, I do find it kind of telling that my father and sister planned a huge surprise party for her, and guess who wasn’t even invited? Yup. That’s right. Now, I am sure that they just told themselves that I probably wouldn’t be able to make it anyway, but, isn’t it the minimum amount of courtesy to simply extend the invitation? I mean, it would have at least shown that there was some level of consideration for me; but alas, I should have expected what I got, because it is more of the same. Perhaps this is a symbol that they too are moving on? Soon, I suspect that the traditional calls on birthdays and other holidays will fade into silence; much like any other gestures of having anything to do with my life at all. Interestingly enough, my sister called (on Saturday) to remind me to call my mother, to which I said that I was going to do so later; after the party had begun. That way, I could say my piece about happy birthday this and that, and do what I am sure she really wanted; let her get back to her life, and leave her alone. So, that’s exactly what I did.

Maybe next year, I won’t even bother to call at all. Funny, I doubt they would even notice. Oh well… such is life, eh?

well, it’s monday…

And there isn’t much going on. So, here are some different thoughts that I have been thinking about this morning:

I was talking with my grandma on the phone this morning, and she is a hoot! She can make laugh at any time. I always love hearing her stories, and her dealings with people. It is weird to me how people will treat someone though; people are consistently rude to her, and I just don’t get it (especially since she is so much fun and so nice). Even her own son won’t stop smoking for 5 minutes to have her around, and since she can’t stand the smoke, they don’t see each other very often (even though they live within spitting distance of one another). People are just how they are, I guess, and sometimes, you just have to say fuck ’em, and do your own thing. She and I talk about that a lot, and it is something that I really treasure that we share; we love each other, and try not to focus on those that just want something from us, or expect us to be something that we are not. She loves me for who I am, and I really appreciate that, and cherish it. I am very thankful that I have such a great relationship with her, because other than her and my cousin, I don’t really consider much of my family, actually “family”. Sometimes, you have to build your own family from what you have; and even though I only feel close to two, that’s two that I can definitely count on.

I was thinking about (i.e., I definitely want to) getting another tattoo. I want something on my left calf, above the ankle band tattoo that I currently have there. I thought about a Japanese dragon, but the more I think about it, the more I want something kind of unique. I called Russ, and he has some open spots this week, and his new shop opens next week, but I think this week would be too soon; especially since I don’t have a firm idea of what I want. Since I am wracking my brain in trying to decide what I want, I have a question for all of you: If you could get a tattoo of anything in the world, what would it be and why? Don’t worry, I won’t steal your idea… that is, unless it is a good one! LOL No seriously, I want to hear your ideas. And none of this “you have too many tattoos” silliness, because you can never have too many.

Other than that, I had a pretty great weekend, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying life. I feel like I am starting to worry less about things that are out of my control, and really find myself focusing on being happy with what I have. I am applying to Perimeter for some classes in the fall, and that has given me this sense of purpose that I didn’t think would come from such a small step. I finally feel like, for the first time in 4 years, that I am moving forward. And that makes me happier than you could know. Let’s just hope we can keep this momentum going!

fire, big steps, and a few loves

Last night, my friend Deb stopped by to talk with me about my most recent lens that I acquired, and when we were walking them out, James casually mentions that the house behind us is on fire. Well, imagine my surprise when it was engulfed in flames! The way he mentioned it, it just seemed like it was a small fire. Either way, the house is empty, and has been since it was built. My bet, is that it was for insurance claims, as the house has been in the state of “being built” for over 2 years now. I’m just glad that no one was hurt. The response was very fast, and there were tons of fire trucks that showed up. When we came home from my friend John’s new loft (which is awesome), there was still one sitting out there. It was interesting, though, that I haven’t seen a crew at the house for about a month, and they were out there this morning when I left for work. Hmmm…. Here’s a picture that I got of the incident:
neighbor's house on fire

Today, I have a meeting at GSU, to talk with someone at the nursing school about what I need to do to get into the program, and get started in getting my nursing degree. While I am definitely nervous (this was the big step I referred to in an earlier post), I am excited. I hope that I can get started as soon as possible, because I really need to make some changes in my life. The only one that is going to do it is me. To piggyback on that, I really want to say, that it is an amazing feeling to know that you have family out there that totally support you, and love you. Those same family members want you to succeed, and want nothing more than for you to be happy. That is something that I haven’t always had (well, I have, but I experienced more of that bad, than their good), and it is great to know that it is there for me now. You know who you are, and I greatly appreciate you. When you have family problems, it is wonderful to know that there are at least a couple of people in your family that really act like family.

Finally, I am totally loving Heroes. That is like the best show ever. I can’t wait for it to come out on DVD. Also, I got a new lens for my camera, and while I was totally excited about it, after playing around with it, I don’t think that it is what I really needed, and I am going to take it back and get the EF-S 60mm f/2.8 USM macro instead. I am hoping that the return goes smoothly, because I REALLY want the macro lens. Keep your fingers crossed!

That’s about all for this Tuesday, ya’ll! Hope things are going well for everyone out there in the blogosphere!

but what about what I need?

… what about me?

That’s what Effie White asks of her friends in Dreamgirls, when they ask her to sacrifice for the betterment of the whole group. I have been having the same questions run through my brain lately, with regards to friends, family, acceptance, etc, and I have to say, I think that while Effie does have a point, I realize that the group has an equally valid point, as well. Effie needs her needs met, and she feels that they aren’t being seen by those in the group. Meanwhile, the group also needs their needs met, and in order for that to happen, Effie has to give in. This doesn’t make Effie selfish or a bad person, it just illustrates that in many cases, we don’t understand the dynamics of our feelings. She also illustrates that she is truly considerate, because she does bend. (well, until she breaks, but that is Dreamgirls… we are talking about me now)

I have recently taken some extensive time to evaluate what I need, and how I go about meeting those needs. I have been asking myself the above questions, and I feel like I haven’t given enough consideration to what the “group” needs. I have made the same mistake as Effie, by worrying more about my own needs, and not realizing, that my needs can be met, even if not in the way that I had expected. Additionally, and most importantly, I am ultimately in charge of meeting my own needs.

Fact of the matter is, through my reflection and examination of my current situation and feelings about friends, family, etc, I have realized that first and foremost, it is up to me to make things happen. Instead of saying, “what about me” to someone else, I need to say it to myself. I need to then realize what they have on their plate, and hopefully, we can come to some sort of middle ground. And if not, I need to realize that in the end, it is always up to me to make myself happy. It is always up to me to make myself feel good about myself; and that should be my focus.

I have got to stop seeking approval for things that need no approval. Additionally, I MUST stop seeking approval for that which has been approved of. I have got to stop worrying about what goes on in ways that I don’t understand, especially in cases when they don’t necessarily meet my needs. I realize that some of those people that I question, really do want to work with me. They really do want what’s best for the “group”, which definitely includes me. They want me to be happy, but they too realize, that the only person that can make them happy, is themselves; so they expect me to realize that, and adjust as necessary. Until now, I admit that I have been ignorantly guilty of not doing that as much as I should. I want to do better.

Given my recent introspective thought, and time spent examining how I handle things, feelings, and actions, I hope that I have reached a new place where I can start to ask myself “but what about me?”, as opposed to displacing that onto the “group”. I hope that from here on out, I can realize that it is up to me to make myself happy, and instead of questioning things too much, over-analyzing things that shouldn’t be analyzed at all, and continually seeking approval for that which has been previously approved of, I can focus more on making myself happy. I know that ultimately, these are distractions that keep me from being happy, and I inadvertently find myself doing them to people over and over again, not out of malicious intent, but out of vicious coping mechanisms that were built to deal with my childhood.

I hope that I can change… but it is going to be more than a retrospective thought process. This is going to take some time. So, Dreamgirls, please bear with me. I want what’s best for us, and I don’t want to give up on us. Know that I really care, and I am working on it. Epiphany can be a powerful thing; as it has proven to recently be. So, know that I am trying. As Effie says later in the film, “I am changing. Trying every way I can. I am changing. I’ll be better than I am.”

And you know what, I am changing. And I will be better than I am.