I hope that some of these can become useful to you at some point, and others, well, I hope that you can escape with a “sense of being warned”. Now, enjoy the advice!
“Never hold your face near a strange dog's face. Never.”
“When a bee comes at you, kick it in the face. While it is stunned, you use air freshener to further disorient and confuse it.”
“Either vote, or don't complain. When an election doesn't go your way, and that could be due to voter fraud or some other strategy that was used by “the man” to stay in power, then it is totally acceptable to complain, and to do it often.”
“If you go to home depot, and expect “expert assistance”, you are in a dream world, and should be rudely awakened. The people that work at home depot have the ability to turn invisible, and will do so when they see you coming. Oh, and they will also talk about you when you are not around. They are mean like that.
“Another fact about home depot: Be very careful when going there to “pick up” something, for it will cost a minimum of $500. I found this to be true on many occasions. If your order only totals $10, they will add more until it is $500. Watch out for this. Or just don't go there. Either way, be aware.”
“As Josh always says, “When crossing the street, look the driver in the eye. This way, they will not hit you. It is a well known fact that people don't like to hit people that look them in the eye. And if they do hit you, you can identify them in court, if the need arises.”
“If you are at a party, or at a strange house, and you need to use that bathroom, you know, to do that, then be sure to pay attention to the amount of that which is left behind. There may be such an amount that you would need to break it up with a stick for it all to go down successfully. And you know that it must all go down successfully. (We can all thank Cathy for this brave advice. Yes, yes we can.)”
“When you bring alcohol to a party, make sure you place the package that you brought the alcohol in with, in a safe place. You may need to go and get this container before you leave, in order to free your alcohol, and bring it with you. It is always best to be very inconspicuous when doing this, as it may look tacky to some. Although, it shouldnâ€™t, because you brought it in the first place. (This advice should be heeded as necessary, and may not be applicable in every instance) One other important note here: Do not take alcohol that isn't yours, because that is really tacky, and well, just plain weird.”
“Be careful when you are drinking wine. It is a very powerful sedative. It will not effect you in the beginning, but soon after your second glass, you will begin to fall asleep, as well as say things you may, or may not, mean. It should be noted that this form of sleep is the kind of sleep that a certain â€œBeautyâ€ could only dream of. So be warned, drink wine carefully, and then switch to liquor or beer soon after your second glass, just to play it safe.”
“This is more of a warning from me: this is to all those people that pull out into the middle of intersections, at times when they cannot go all of the way through, and end up blocking traffic. You suck. Big time. Wait, and don't screw it up for the rest of us, loser. And when I hit your car, repeatedly, and focus my bugged-out, “crazy” eyes on your soul, you will know what you have done. Oh yes, you will know.”
“When crawling into areas that are possibly dark, and/or damp, make sure that you are aware of what could possibly be living in that area. Keep in mind that those creatures could possibly have fur. Most likely, though, they will be creepy, crawly, and have the ability to spin webs or things like that. Also, they will have the ability to jump. And as expected, they will be wily about it, jumping at you or on you when you least expect it. Please be careful, for they know where you are. And they are coming. ”
“Be wary of people that have noticeable back hair and a definitive mullet. People with poor grooming habits donâ€™t make very good friends.”
“Make sure you practice maneuvers that would be good in an attack, such as high kicks and blows to the neck, for you never know when zombies will attack; and you want to be ready. Remember, they are merciless, and they want to eat your brains. (For Laura)”
“Whenever someone suggests skinny dipping, make sure that your body and/or your “stuff” is better than theirs. Then proceed.”
“People like people that talk a lot; even if they say they don't. What they are really saying, is that they are jealous they have nothing to talk about.”
“If you are going to do a home renovation project, that you are sure will only take a weekend, multiply that time by 4. That is how long it will really take.”
“When doing renovation projects, whatever you budget for materials and supplies will not be enough. Especially if you get anything from Home depot (see above).”
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