Category: venting

it is what it is, right?

I wish I were more of an “it is what it is” kinda guy, I really do. Perhaps then when patients really try my patience, and upset me, I could tell myself, “self, it is what it is”, and just let it go. But I don’t.

This week has really been trying my patience, because of my patients.

See, I am the nurse practitioner, and they are the patients. When they come to me with problems, I listen to their symptoms (self-reported), assess the situation (make my own observation of symptoms if they are present), and based on my education, guidelines, and any other information that I need to access in order to come up with a plan of care, I make a diagnosis, and come up with said plan of care. At that time, it is the time where the patient either likes what I have to say, and agrees to do it, or it can go another way entirely.

Lately, it’s been a little more of the latter, and it’s wearing me down.

See, I am invested in this job. I actually care what happens to the patients, and I want to make sure that I am always operating under the healthcare tenets of beneficence and non-maleficence; which simply means that you do no harm, and you always seek to do the best for the patient that you can. Hence, again, why I use my education, knowledge, and guidelines to guide my practice; whether the patient agrees or not.

Now I get it, you can google anything. ANYTHING. And you can find a ton of information out about just about anything as well. BUT, I challenge anyone that questions why I decided to go one way versus another in my decision to treat (or not); where did you find that info? How did you know how to sift between accurate and often times, mostly wild conjecture? How did you know and when did you learn how to interpret labs, symptoms, multiple medical conditions (not to mention how they interact with all of the other intricacies of other bodily systems), and how to pick and choose between hundreds of different solutions, medications, and remedies to come up with the best solution for yourself? Unless you’ve gone through school for it, you are probably operating under the assumption of what someone else has said, and there is no factual evidence behind it; that is, unless you know where to find the correct remedies and solutions.

This is where the frustrating part starts.

I say, based on what you have told me, and my assessment, we are going to do X.

They say, “well I read online that you need to do X”.

I disagree, because this is not the truth. I assure them that I am using factual, evidence-based practice to guide my decisions, which I even offer to get a second of, by asking my colleagues.

Still, I am often met with eye rolling, and being told that they “know their body”, and demanding certain treatments, which can actually do more harm than good. Worse still are those that have series health conditions and don’t seem to heed my warnings about medication compliance, and put themselves at risk for further harm daily.

It really wears you out when you are not an “it is what it is” kinda guy like me; and because of that, I need to rant sometimes, and that is what this is. Maybe I’ll get better at letting it roll off with years of practice; I certainly hope that I do. I wish I could be a little less stressed about the minutiae of it all, and realize that, yes, when it comes to many patients, it truly is what it is, and I have to just let go, and realize that all I can do is attempt to lead them in the right direction; despite the fact that they have the car in reverse and are slamming on the gas at the same time. I just need to focus on the realization that I am not in the car, and whatever happens really is, ultimately up to them.

it’s the little things that kill


On Bush’s Little Things, which hails from their debut album Sixteen Stone (which came out when I was in high school… many mooons ago!), Gavin Rossdale sings, “it’s the little things that kill, tearing at my brain[s] again”. Sometimes, I feel like that song lyric really applies to me, because I do just that more often than I would like; I tend to let the little things get to me, and tear at my brain, bringing me down.

I think I am a pretty easy-going person for the most part, but there are a lot of times when it’s the little things that kill, and get me worked up, and it’s hard to come back down. This occus in more aspects of my life than I would like, but I’ve always been like this, for as long as I can recall.

Today, on my mind, I specifically refer to work for instance; when I am seeing a patient who has (from my perspective) a lack of a discernible stake in their own health care, it really bothers me. It always did when I was a nurse, and it continues to do so now that I am a nurse practitioner. It frustrates me when patients with serious medical conditions have a seemingly lackadaisical attitude about compliance and management of their illness. Sure, I get it, life happens, and I get that you are “busy and cannot come in so often”, but you have a serious chronic condition that if left unchecked, can literally be the death of you. Surely that responsibility is impressed upon most, right? I like to think that it is, but there are many patients that don’t seem bothered by the fact that they ran out of medication weeks ago, and never thought to call the office and see if we could help them in any way. Perhaps it is, in some part, a coping mechanism, fear, or simply ignorance, but when it is a patient that I have seen multiple times, it really tears at my brain how they just don’t seem to have a care in the world, and this “little thing” doesn’t seem like anything important to them. Then, when I am seeing them for their appointment, I get frustrated, and start lecturing them about possible side effects, complications, and all of that, and they just look at me like I’m being mean to them. Then, I get more frustrated. I get that old adage of you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink; but that means being really angry at the horse sometimes.

I know it is my job to educate, and I have learned in the past year of providing care for multiple patients daily, that I will, and continue to, encounter tons of patients that have real medical issues that they don’t want to, or refuse to take ownership of, and deal with, but it really bugs me, because I sincerely want the best for every patient I care for, and their lack of ownership and action on their own behalf stands in the way of that many, many times.

It continues to frustrate me, and while these are little things, and should be more of slight annoyances and things I should just let go, sometimes, I really brings me down, and can make my day less than a happy one. I hope that through my career I learn how to better walk the line between over-caring and complete ambivalence, because the gray area between the two can make even the most compassionate and patient person very frustrated to say the least. Anyone else work in health care feel this same way? I’d be surprised if I’m the only one, because this job can be very trying at times.

Here’s to going forward and trying to not let the little things kill; and hopefully not ruin my day, either.

sotd: Sia – Elastic Heart

It’s amazing to me, how an amazing video can make me OBSESSED with a song, even a song that I had previously, erroneously, overlooked. After seeing this video, much like after I saw the video for Chandelier, I was entranced, and I have had Elastic Heart on repeat ever since. There is something about Maddie Ziegler that is captivating; she is a magnificent dancer, and really captures the emotion of the choreography beautifully. Also, the song is gorgeous.

Also, to think that people have issues with this video is bullshit. It is obviously a powerful emotional statement that Sia felt the need to place her incredible artistic spin on, and I found it breathtaking. To me, it appears to be a very emotional, and raw, interaction between a girl and her father, and Shia’s emotional acting is intense and vulnerable. Somehow, people got pedophilia out of this, and I am honestly just shaking my head wondering why. Sia ended up apologizing for the video, which incenses me; this is art, beautiful, emotive, and intensely personal art. Shame on you if you felt the need to turn it into something else. Sia, keep doing what you are doing, because you are a true artist, and a magnificent one, at that.

only friends and or family can see this photo

Well, I finally had enough of my photos on flickr being stalked by pervs and favorited like crazy be people that had no identifiable profile, so I had to make my entire flickr account friends and family only (this sucks, because I noticed that my William Fitzsimmons photos from the previous post no longer show up… bummer). I don’t know how long I will keep it that way, nor do I know if I will “unlock” some of my photos for mass internet consumption once again, but I had just had enough. I literally get tons of favorites, and the mass adding of some specific photos to galleries; something that you cannot control other than to simply delete them yourself. I guess I’d had enough.

The tattoo pictures specifically got a lot of action. See, I am happy that people enjoyed my pictures of mine and James’ tattoos, but NO I don’t want it to be inspiration for YOUR next tattoo. I don’t want emails asking me if you can copy the design, and no I don’t want you to favorite pictures of me with my shirt off showing my tattoo when we aren’t even friends, and you have no pictures/profile to speak of. Also, pictures of feet, a picture of a woman in a thong that I had to delete, and things I was scratching my head wondering why so many people were favoriting that photo meant I am done with this bullshit.

Perhaps I am being harsh, but I freaking pay for flickr, and I think it is a shame that anyone can just sign up for an account, and can turn a fun photo sharing experience into something weird and pervy; so I did what I could to stop it from pissing me off further. If you want to be a friend of mine on flickr, add me, and I may add you back; but I am turning into one of those bitchy people that state they will only add friends that have an active profile, profile picture, and actual photos to share on their profile pages.

Sorry, but thems the ropes, folks. No more mister free balling, let photos fly in the wind flickr guy over here. After thinking about it while writing this, I may make some picture public and others private (and yes, I know nothing is truly private on the internet, but at least it isn’t being waived around in my face for crying out loud, and on a site I pay for), but we’ll have to determine them on a photo by photo basis. It sucks, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

pollen, pollen, everywhere

Atlanta looks like it has been drenched by a heavy dose of yellow curry powder; but it’s pollen, and it is everywhere. As a result, my sinuses decided to mount a full frontal assault, and I have felt like shit for the last three days.

I knew something was up, when the first physician I saw after getting a job here in Atlanta told me that the best way to deal with allergies as bad as mine was to move away from Atlanta. I’ve had sinus problems my whole life, but never have they been as severe as they have been since I’ve lived in Atlanta.

Moving for me is not really an option, since I do love this crazy place, so I guess I have to deal. Unfortunately, Claritin D is barely cutting it, and the end of my nose feels like it got in a knife fight and lost. I only hope the worst has past, but after what I saw today, I don’t know; I literally saw a cloud of pollen descend over the parking lot at school, and envelop us. It was horrifying; I think I actually head my sinuses weep.

I am going to try and avoid Afrin as long as I can, but one hour of sleep a night because of inability to breathe at all, may make my deal with that devil one that I can’t refuse. Ugh. I hope it doesn’t come to that, as it is supposed to rain tomorrow, and hopefully, take all of this demon dust away. Fingers crossed. To all other sufferers out there, know you are not alone, dear friends, and I feel for you and your suffering as well.

songs that sample and desecrate the original in the process

There are a ton of songs out there that use samples from other, amazing songs that came before them. No song is safe from being sampled, and often times, the song that it ends up in completely desecrates the original song. There are some samples that I will admittedly enjoy, but there are those that I hear, and I completely cringe, because the song they are sampling is brilliant, and their song is anything but. Worst of all to me, is that many times, the sampled song will be much more obscure, and most people will just think that the brilliance of the sample lies with the artist who crafted the “new” song.

Here are just a few of the songs that I’ve heard recently, that sample amazing songs to make them more popular, and in doing so, completely tarnish the original song:

Jason DeRulo – Whatcha Say (Imogen Heap’s Hide and Seek) (horrible mention: The Game – What You Say)
Kid Cudi – Make Her Say (Lady GaGa’s Poker Face)
Tinchy Stryder – You’re Not Alone (Olive’s You’re Not Alone)

Specifically, the most egregious of offenses to me, especially lately, is Jason DeRulo’s catapulting to fame off of the superior talent of Imogen Heap. Her amazing Hide and Seek didn’t come anywhere near the top 10, even though it should have, and this idiot’s song that completely rips off her talent is sitting pretty, making it seem as if he has even a shred of talent; when clearly, it lies with Imogen. Overall, I know that this is a common practice in hip hop, and I know that it won’t be ending any time soon, but as is the case with the aforementioned tracks, I can’t stand them, and I won’t be getting used to the idea of these rip offs dominating the airways anytime soon.

major bandwith theft and the fate of the 5SF

It seems that it is always the few that have to ruin it for all of the others. So you may have noticed that as of this morning, none of the audio links work on this site anymore. This is a direct response to an email that I received from my hosting company that said that I was about to exceed my 400GB bandwidth quota for the month. Naturally, I was quite surprised, because I rarely ever approach 60GB transfer a month for the entire site, so I went to see what was going on.

Apparently, some people in another country, specifically the sites listed at the bottom of this post, think that it’s okay to just steal bandwidth. Well, unfortunately, since they have been stealing from me, and specifically from the mp3s that I used to do the 5SF, you guys are going to suffer; I am not going to offer audio anymore until I figure out a way to do it without leaving the back door open for these motherfuckers.

I didn’t know it, but the application that I use(d) for embedding audio gives you the URL of the file if you do a view source, a fact that I was unaware of until today. I don’t know how I missed that before, but apparently, I did. I don’t know a everything about permissions, but in order to use the plug in, you need to enable execute; which allows you to just steal the bandwidth if you know the file’s URL (which again, the plug in stupidly provides). Blocking the access to the folder is not enough it seems, and as such, drastic action had to be taken.

So what does this all mean for you? I’m extremely pissed off, and very sad to say that it potentially means the end of the 5SF. If I can’t find a way to block the use of my files elsewhere, while still making them available here, I won’t be able to post audio anymore; and what’s the point of doing a post about music if I can’t make it available for you to listen to? I don’t see youtube as a viable option, especially since I stopped using it early on in the 5SF because of the stupid rules about embedding certain videos and not others.

I really don’t want to stop doing the 5SF, so please, if you have ANY way that I can post the audio without having assholes steal my bandwidth, step up to the mic; the fate of the 5SF seemingly rests with you. The plug in that I was using was the pixelout audio player plug in, and as of writing this post, I haven’t been able to spot a way that I could hide the URL of the file; which would obviously be necessary to continue using it in the future. Again, any and all help would be most appreciated.

Here are the sites that were stealing my bandwidth: Fuck you, assholes!
http://blog.rayli.com.cn
http://img.kaixin001.com.cn
http://blog.qooza.hk/keng029
http://220.181.38.82/

Maine votes against gay marriage: some thoughts

Yesterday, Maine’s vote sent a(nother) clear message to me: gay people do not matter to the majority of Americans. I am sure that many will argue that this is not the position of most Americans, but the message is too clear to ignore. Our civil rights are constantly up for debate, and constantly, we have them taken away. I cannot interpret that as anything other than a message that we do not matter; this society does not see fit to grant us the same rights and liberties as the rest of Americans.

It’s interesting, because this same society gladly takes our tax money, our contributions to society, and expects us to serve our country, but people continue to pass laws that reflect whether or not they feel “comfortable” with the “idea” of us getting married? Um, how does that work? That’s not just “unfair”, it’s un-American.

Isn’t the constitution supposed to grant freedom; not take it away? Additionally, isn’t the constitution supposed to protect us from the government making decisions about whether or not to strip us of our civil rights? Where are the values and principles that represent the underlying foundation of this nation? They are glaringly absent when you look at any vote for or against anyone’s civil rights. This bears repeating: voting for or against anyone’s rights goes against the very foundation of this country. We are all supposed to be free and equal. By putting this up for a vote, more than half of the people in Maine have gone against the foundation of our nation, and have made it clear that they feel as if it is okay to make the decision against gay people being equal.

Again, how does this make sense?

Every time we vote for or against the civil rights of any group of people in this country, especially minorities, we are sending a clear message that their rights do not matter. No one should ever have to campaign to have the popular vote determine whether or not they can have the same rights as everyone else. It’s just plain wrong.

Shame on 53% of Maine voters for believing that their opinion matters more than the rights of gays and lesbians living in Maine. Since this isn’t the first, and it will not be the last time that our rights are in the hands of those that wish to discriminate, I also say shame on any American who thinks that their opinion matters more than someone’s civil rights.

One final thing. In looking for the results of the vote this morning, I came across this article, and I have to comment on the quote from Jeff Flint:

Voters have a pretty good grasp about what they think marriage should be. It’s not that they’re discriminatory or bigoted. They just draw the line at what they think marriage should be.

Um, what? I’m sorry, but I will never allow anyone who says bullshit like this to have a free pass. If you are against gay marriage, you are against it because of discrimination; that is what you voted on. You voted specifically in order to discriminate against gay people. Jeff, just because you are able to some how twist your illogical thoughts into what you consider rational doesn’t not get you off the hook. You represent a discriminatory body of Americans that have “values” and beliefs that are most certainly based on bigotry. You can’t take away someone’s rights and say that you did it for “personal reasons” or “personal beliefs”, and then in the same breath say, “but I have nothing against them”. Perhaps he should actually look up the word discrimination, because I don’t think he understands the concept.

Perhaps he, and others like him, should keep their opinions to themselves, and stop using them to determine whether or not someone else should or should not have equal rights. Feel free to define marriage however you want; just don’t decide how I, or anyone else, has access to my civil rights.

a (queer) monday menagerie

Pride in Atlanta is this weekend, and I am kind of excited about being able to celebrate Pride weekend without the heat of June, and hopefully, without the torrential downpours that usually came along with it. Anyone going besides me?

This blog post about the (possibly diminished) potentiality of Adam Lambert’s success in the American conservative driven music market is a great read. When a queer artist doesn’t make it in the US music market, it’s difficult not to tie that to the fact that they are gay; especially when they can only be described as stellar (like him or not, Adam can really sing). If you look at artists like Will Young, Scissor Sisters, Mika, Westlife, and other queer artists that are hugely famous overseas that never get radio play here in the states, it gets even harder to not draw those same conclusions. While it was pretty clear that Adam lost American Idol because he was gay, as middle America was probably risking burning their houses down from all the rotary dialing in order to prevent that queer from beating the little straight guy, I hope that his sexuality doesn’t ruin his music career before it even starts. The boy is extremely talented, and I hope that he finds the success he deserves. Even more so, I wish American’s had more brains than they do drive to stamp out things they don’t understand, or things they equate to different, and therefore wrong.

This makes me want to puke. Seriously? Censoring a children’s book because a character has two moms? What the fuck is offensive about SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE? Seriously, people that believe that this type of scenario is in any way offensive or “harming to them” needs to walk over and tell me in person so I can slap in the face like the fools they are. Seriously people, gay people and gay families are normal. Deal with it. If you want to “shelter” your child and your family from it, kindly pick up and go live in a shack in the woods where you won’t bother the rest of society, okay? (h/t to the the amazing jacksonpearce)

– Kind of related to the children’s book mentioned above, Towleroad reported about a gay family that made a video, acting out a book that is also getting a lot of negative attention because two princes get married and live happily ever after. This book is being slandered to spread hate in the Yes on One anti-gay marriage campaign in Maine. Here’s their video:

Not only was this video incredibly adorable, but they have made many more, using their family as a beautiful example of what is normal about gay families. I want to personally applaud those guys for what they are doing. Gay families are normal families, and the people behind these horrible campaigns like Prop 8, and now Prop 1 in Maine, should really take a look and see who’s lives they are messing with. The hypocrisy behind anyone saying they are anti-gay marriage because of “family values”, “morality”, and “protection of marriage” when everything they are doing against gay marriage is in spite of those very things, drives me insane. When will people learn to just butt out of our lives, and stop seeing who we are as offensive to them; especially when it has NO IMPACT on them in any way?

my awesome day, starring the hot water heater

This morning, I woke up like normal, took a shower like normal, and then went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, also like normal. When I walked towards the bathroom door, I stepped in what I thought was a fresh patch of pee, and before I could even chastise Mr. Pickles for ruining my morning, things got instantly worse. James declared that the pee didn’t smell like pee at all, and that is when we discovered it wasn’t pee; the bedroom carpet was saturated with water. Instantly, we figured out what had happened: the hot water heater had leaked, and flooded a lot of our bedroom. After some quick scrambling to see how bad things were, we found that not only had it leaked, but it had completely busted, and all of the 40 hot gallons of water were now resting comfortably somewhere outside of the tank.
Wonderful! Our hot water heater is flooding the bedroom. Awesome!!
A couple of phone calls, and a plumber later, we had spent $1100 and our hot water heater issue was no more.

…Or so I wish.

The floor was saturated, and since this has actually happened to me before, I knew that we needed to act fast, because that water would certainly attract every spore of mold from miles around if it wasn’t dried up quickly. After a clean up estimate that I thought was kind of ridiculously high ($1800), I set out to rent the fans and a dehumidifier myself. Since the pad of the carpet is pretty much a big, floor covering sponge, I decided to just pull it up and throw it away, so that I could increase my chances the actual subfloor might dry in time. I also made that decision based on the fact that carpet padding is pretty inexpensive overall, and the padding that was there was pretty gross upon inspection.
Awesome day 2009! Ugh
As I write this, my bedroom is not a bed room at all. Our bed has been moved to the office, and the carpet has been pulled up, the pad has been cut out, and there are fans blowing wildly in the room that was my bedroom this morning.

Yeah, it could have been worse, but that sentiment hardly makes one feel better when their bedroom floods and they have a day like I did. I’m still trying to convince James that this just gives us a good reason to get hardwoods for the bedroom (which we have been talking about since the day we moved in), but what will happen in the coming days is yet to be seen. I’m hoping that something good can come out of this truly annoying situation; and at this point, the hardwood floors are all I have have to cling to in keeping that hope alive. All and all, a pretty shitty day that I had to use a vacation day on.