Category: all about me

I bet you are thinking, “what exactly can you get for $7.50, duane?”. Well, for one, that is the co-pay amount for my therapist, and for me, it afforded a diagnosis of depression and anxiety! I know that many of you that read the blog have seen my ups and downs over the last few months, and some of you have voiced concerns over sad poopie poems and whatnot, but don’t worry; I am getting help. I decided that the best thing for me to do is to go and talk with a therapist (who is probably reading this, Hi Joe!), because I pretty much knew what he was going to say. That’s not to say that it made it any easier to hear.

I just want to be able to fix what’s wrong and get to living my life. We discussed how anxiety has pretty much overwhelmed me, and it has led me into being depressed. Now I can explain all those down feelings I have been having! It is because of anxiety! Another thing that he told me, which I actually thought was kind of funny, is that I have lots of built up anger, and I release it through sarcasm, or I hold onto it, and it fuels the anxiety and depression. So my sarcasm is actually passive aggressive anger?! Never thought that! But perhaps that does explain why James always thinks I am being mean when I am sarcastic. I digress…

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Basically, he did all of the ginko leaves last night. I LOVE what he did, they look so wonderful. And they hurt! So here’s a bad picture:

Basically, the picture is bad because I took it. Through the mirror. In the bathroom. I will try and get James to take a better one tonight or something. Last night, when I left, he told me I could just leave the bandage on all night, so I did; putting one of those cling wrap bandages on is a bitch, and if someone else does it for me, I am all for it! Last night’s sitting was 2 hours, and I have one more marathon one left, until this thing is through! I have to say, I am excited… but I am also thinking of what I want to do next. All in good time. I am going to enjoy this finished for a bit before moving forward on anything new!!! Stay tuned. I FORGOT TO MENTION: Something funny happened last night while I was getting my tattoo, somehow the topic of the Indigo Girls was brought up (one of the artists did a tattoo for Michael Stipe, and Michael Stipe sang a song with the Indigo Girls), and so they wanted to hear that song. Then, they wanted to hear a few more. It was just interesting to be listening to the Indigo Girls in the tattoo shop. Also, everyone at that place is obsessed with myspace. I just don’t get it!?!

Now, for more questions. Wendy, I totally agree, I wish we lived closer. And on my ipod, hmm… go to this page, it will give you a good idea. Also, check out my singles page. That is also a good place. I haven’t added anything new to the ipod in a while, but I am getting that new Pink CD in a couple of days, and will be adding that! Brian, people are totally jealous of team awesome. Chris, team awesome is awesome, and it is made up of Brian and myself. We are not currently accepting applications for new members, but we will let you know if there is an open enrollment period any time soon. More specifically, here are the answers to your questions:
— How do I join? We are not accepting new members at this time, but thanks for your inquiry!
— Is it by invitation only? Hells yes.
— Are there initiation rituals? Not presently, but upon accepting new members, we are working on some good ones.
— Any hazing involved? Hopefully.
— Do I have to pay dues? Probably. But only you.
— Is there a cool t-shirt I get to were, declaring my membership in Team Awesome? That would be preferable. Currently, the default is anything Threadless.

Hope ya’ll are having a great day! I know I will be when I get to Sweetwater… must dull the pain!

Or just a poem:

I forbid myself from thinking,
I forgave myself for dreaming,
To focus on my pain.
I waken what’s been weeping,
I wrestle what’s been wailing,
But I feel it just the same.
No better now,
No closer to how,
And too fragile to touch.
Just need to move,
Like I have something to prove,
But I honestly don’t know how much.
A fine piece of china,
A constant reminder,
Of exactly what I’ve become.
Scared of being broken,
And not noticing I AM broken,
Makes it harder to overcome.
But I forbid myself from feeling,
I cut off the revealing,
I hide down in my cell.
I need to break out,
But I can’t move without,
A drink from an empty well.
I get tied up in thinking I’m fat,
Wondering how I look in this or that,
And let that distract me for a moment.
But underneath the distraction,
Is a needed overreaction,
Or is it merely a cry for commitment?
Committing myself TO thinking,
Committing myself TO dreaming,
And focusing on my pain,
Wakening myself and moving,
Pushing myself and proving,
That only I can effectively gain,
That only I can effectively change,
That only I can rearrange,
That which I see,
That which is wrong with me.

And no, I am not THAT upset. Just poopy days. Ah, you know.

I was just talking with my friend Byron about something I noticed while I was out at Blake’s last night; I can totally tell that I am not in the traditional “core” of gay Atlanta anymore. And you know what, that is fine by me! I noticed how the people were interacting, and how differently it seemed to me, and just a few years ago, I was right there doing the same things. Perhaps I have grown, perhaps I have matured, or perhaps I have slipped to the outside and am now looking in. Either way, I feel myself maturing and becoming happier with myself, more comfortable with myself and who I am, and for once, being more than just gay.

I have discussed friend groups and whatnot lately as well, and I think that the turn that I have taken in making friends is a direct result of these changes in my life. Being on the outside of gay “core” culture means not having to feel the pressure to be perfect (even though a twinge of that is always there… come on, I can’t lie). It means being able to meet and hang out with people because of who they are, and similar interests, one of which does not include picking up boys at the bar. It is honestly a refreshing enlightenment, and I just wanted to share it with you all. Here’s hoping that the maturity and growth continues to enrich my life, and I can and maintain my place in whatever niche I feel most comfortable in. The core used to be that niche, and now, it is isn’t; but sometimes being on the outside of the core can be good… in this case, I can certainly say that it is.

Have any of you experienced a similar shift? Do you feel that you have changed and matured, and as a result, have moved into a different niche in your life? I love learning about people, culture, and behavior, so I am all ears… this stuff is fascinating!

I am still not 100%, but I definitely feel better today. I called in a prescription, but forgot my insurance card, so I will have to get it today… I never turn down drugs (except for the bad kind!). I also just wanted to say thanks to everyone that wished me well during my sickness… I don’t handle being sick very well because I HATE sitting on the couch for several hours and doing nothing.

We watched Memoirs of a Geisha last night, and eh, I wasn’t that impressed. Maybe it is the sinus infection. Who knows. Art show tonight. Dogwood Festival cookout tomorrow. Podcast party Sunday. Busy weekend ahead, and here’s hoping the sickness doesn’t come back…

What’s everyone else doing this weekend?

And maybe you guessed; I don’t handle sick well. I’m going back to the couch to watch TV and movies. I will probably watch Brokeback today. That is at least a highlight. I gotta run, I have hours of pouting and poking out my lip to do, so that James will make me feel better.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me today. Hopefully, my doctor will come through with the drugs, and we can nip this in the bud, eh? In the mean time… I wonder what effect beer has on Sudafed?

I know you are all anxiously waiting to see some pictures, and after some death defying maneuvering on my part, I have at least one nugget to offer; here’s what it looks like today, after the first session (there will probably be three… he focused on the koi fish and finished them in the first session):

While it isn’t a very good picture, nor a flattering one, it gets the point across. When James comes home on Tuesday, I will try to get more pictures. I have taken some others, but honestly, they suck, and it doesn’t help that my arm is still pretty sore, since I did let someone jab it with several needles for around 3 hours yesterday. It wasn’t THAT bad, but according to my tattooist (russ abbott), I am on the extreme end of bleeders, which causes him to have to dig in that much more. Nice. Also, funny thing, he told me to eat a lot of jello before the next session, as it has vitamin K in it, which aids in coagulation. Fun facts in the tattoo parlor!

Also, I cannot even believe this shit, but the pain is what keeps reminding me that it happened: I am supposed to wear a cling-wrap bandage at night, in order to prevent it from scabbing (another lesson… who knew, right?), and I used that innocent looking Johnson’s and Johnson’s waterproof tape to hold it on. Well, it held on so well, that it ripped the skin on my inner arm, and above the tattoo on my shoulder. HOW is that possible??!?! So that is actually hurting more than the tattoo is; go figure. I have to figure out some way to keep the cling-wrap on tonight that doesn’t involve that devil’s tape.

Hope all are having a fantastic Sunday! And, let me know what you think of the tattoo… I love it. I think that it is going to be so awesome when it is finished; next appointment is for April 25th, so stay tuned!