Category: all about me

it’s the little things that kill


On Bush’s Little Things, which hails from their debut album Sixteen Stone (which came out when I was in high school… many mooons ago!), Gavin Rossdale sings, “it’s the little things that kill, tearing at my brain[s] again”. Sometimes, I feel like that song lyric really applies to me, because I do just that more often than I would like; I tend to let the little things get to me, and tear at my brain, bringing me down.

I think I am a pretty easy-going person for the most part, but there are a lot of times when it’s the little things that kill, and get me worked up, and it’s hard to come back down. This occus in more aspects of my life than I would like, but I’ve always been like this, for as long as I can recall.

Today, on my mind, I specifically refer to work for instance; when I am seeing a patient who has (from my perspective) a lack of a discernible stake in their own health care, it really bothers me. It always did when I was a nurse, and it continues to do so now that I am a nurse practitioner. It frustrates me when patients with serious medical conditions have a seemingly lackadaisical attitude about compliance and management of their illness. Sure, I get it, life happens, and I get that you are “busy and cannot come in so often”, but you have a serious chronic condition that if left unchecked, can literally be the death of you. Surely that responsibility is impressed upon most, right? I like to think that it is, but there are many patients that don’t seem bothered by the fact that they ran out of medication weeks ago, and never thought to call the office and see if we could help them in any way. Perhaps it is, in some part, a coping mechanism, fear, or simply ignorance, but when it is a patient that I have seen multiple times, it really tears at my brain how they just don’t seem to have a care in the world, and this “little thing” doesn’t seem like anything important to them. Then, when I am seeing them for their appointment, I get frustrated, and start lecturing them about possible side effects, complications, and all of that, and they just look at me like I’m being mean to them. Then, I get more frustrated. I get that old adage of you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink; but that means being really angry at the horse sometimes.

I know it is my job to educate, and I have learned in the past year of providing care for multiple patients daily, that I will, and continue to, encounter tons of patients that have real medical issues that they don’t want to, or refuse to take ownership of, and deal with, but it really bugs me, because I sincerely want the best for every patient I care for, and their lack of ownership and action on their own behalf stands in the way of that many, many times.

It continues to frustrate me, and while these are little things, and should be more of slight annoyances and things I should just let go, sometimes, I really brings me down, and can make my day less than a happy one. I hope that through my career I learn how to better walk the line between over-caring and complete ambivalence, because the gray area between the two can make even the most compassionate and patient person very frustrated to say the least. Anyone else work in health care feel this same way? I’d be surprised if I’m the only one, because this job can be very trying at times.

Here’s to going forward and trying to not let the little things kill; and hopefully not ruin my day, either.

time and change

So wow, I realize now that things are left a little, well, under-attentive in this realm of my life these days. I rarely read blogs anymore, mostly because of work and life stress, and honestly, the use of facebook and instagram make everything much more single serve, and have changed the way we interact with people into a predominately swipe and like, and scroll-through-life existence; all of which I am guilty of over-utilizing. That being said, overall things are pretty good, I have a good job that I actually life (shock and awe!), I have a husband that I love, and three wonderful dogs that get away with far too much mischief. I spend time with friends regularly, and despite the lack of reporting about these good things, I can’t complain about too much. I do have a bit more anxiety that I would prefer about life, but I assume worrying can be healthy as well, as it does a good job of keeping me from being too carefree.

I do wish that I participated in more things that I enjoy (like this blog) more regularly, because I remember when I used to get more out of it. However, due to time and change, things often fall to wayside, and become burdensome or tedious, which is unfortunate, because they still bring some joy. I would sit here and say that I am going to try harder to blog more consistently, but honestly, I doubt I will, and even if I do, I don’t even know if people really still read these things. Perhaps I should just post this on instagram? HA! Either way, I know that time and change have affected many things in my life, and while I am marching on to 40 in a few weeks (!!!), I guess a little self-reflection here and there is warranted, and likely appropriate, don’t you think?

Regardless, I haven’t forgotten about my own little piece of the internet, and I will be occasionally dusting it off and making sure that it isn’t buried in the back of a drawer somewhere, because it does still matter to me; even if it isn’t on the front burner anymore due to life and stress. Who knows, maybe I’ll blog more about work and my crazy patient interactions; being a nurse practitioner can be quite interesting… Either way, consider this a long-winded checking-in of sorts, and til the next time… I’m still here!

So… I’m a family nurse practitioner.

I posted recently about finally graduating from grad school, again, and then I passed the boards. YAY! Today makes two weeks into my new job as a family nurse practitioner, and I can certainly say, that while it is challenging, and I have a LOT to learn, I kind of love it! I know, going from a job that I really never wanted to do again to one that I kind of love? Crazy. It makes me think that this whole journey may have ACTUALLY been worth it. I know I have a lot of growth ahead of me, and I have a lot to learn, but I am going to keep doing what I am doing, and try to enjoy the journey; if this beginning taste is an indicator of what is to come, I may have finally found the right career fit for me… and before I turned 40! HAHA!

graduate school completed… again.

So today marks another milestone in my nursing journey; I am officially done with graduate school, the second go-round. It has been two and a half years of non-stop, class, clinical, and continuous stress, but here we are, and I made it. Believe it or not. (I am still a bit in disbelief at this very moment).

Now, waiting to get grades posted, get everything finalized, and sit for the board exam, I see that my stressors are not over, and are intensifying for a short time. Hopefully, this too will be out of the way soon. Thanks for everyone that put up with my ranting, raving, angry, “negativity” during this process (especially James!!!), as I know I was not the best to be around at times… stress will do that to you, and as someone who carries around a lot of stress normally, the extra helping certainly had that effect on me. Here’s to my next few weeks of trying to process things and get in some relaxation as best as I can, finishing the rest of the process, and becoming a fully licensed nurse practitioner. Duane Moody, NP-C (pending!!!) doesn’t sound that bad to me, not at all. Onward towards a new career, full steam ahead!!

also… what’s going on with me these days

So clearly, I have been pretty absent, and for good reason: working full time and going to grad school full time at the same time sucks. You have no life. It sucks. BUT, it will be over soon, and I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to getting back into one of my biggest passions, which is music, and I hope to bring more back to this atrophied blog… it has been too long. I will be done with school in May… only a few months away!! I can make it!!

marriage equality, finally… love wins

Today, June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court of the United States decided the landmark case of OBERGEFELL v. HODGES, in which gay marriage was legalized nationally for all states in the United States. This recognizes all marriages that have occurred in states that were previously legal, and validates those marriages as legal in all states in the United States going forward. This is monumental.


Gay. Marriage. Is. Legal. Nationally.

My marriage is legal; not only in D.C., where we got married, but in Georgia, and every other state of the United States. This is an amazing day, and one that was a long time coming. Love truly did win.

Here’s a beautiful snippet of the statement issued by the court:

No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies
the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice,
and family. In forming a marital union, two people become
something greater than once they were. As some of
the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage
embodies a love that may endure even past death. It
would misunderstand these men and women to say they
disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do
respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its
fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned
to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s
oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the
eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.
The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth
Circuit is reversed.
It is so ordered.

It’s a happy day, for sure, and one that I am so glad is finally here. LOVE IS LOVE!!!

year end… again

So again, I find myself at the end of another year, and I am sitting here asking myself, what has happened with this year? It has flown by. Since I started nursing school, and since being a nurse full time, I find that I need to have way more down time, and time that I spend recovering from the job, mostly because it is so tough. That being said, I am definitely still here, and things are good; in fact, much better right now than before, and I feel that it will keep getting better. Here’s a few things that have happened recently that I probably should have blogged about, but didn’t.


In September, James and I got married in DC. Here’s a lot of photos, and I realize that I need to upload so many more… in time. It was an amazing experience. We have been together for a little over 11 years, and we got married with friends and family, and it was honestly, the best I could have imagined. My parents were there, James’ parents were there, and everything went over without any issues. The wedding itself was short and sweet, which I liked, the reception was amazing, and is something that we can always cherish. There were many great memories, lots of fun, and I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

A little over a month ago, I decided to take a big chance, and switch jobs (and hospitals). So far, going from the Emergency Department to the ICU has been a bit of a change (unorganized chaos to timely structure), but I can already tell that I am a lot less stressed, and a lot less upset all of the time. I think the pressure of the ungrateful, not-sick-give-me-a-sandwich patients in the ED finally wore me out, and the universe gave me a huge sign that it was time for a change. I am excited about this new opportunity, and I cannot wait until I get more accustomed to my new environment, and feel as comfortable here as I did in the ED. I have already learned a lot, and I know that this was a good move, and I am excited for the new experience.

Lastly, I started grad school for my MSN, which will propel me from RN to FNP. I am getting more into the process, and I am sure that this is going to be a great thing in the long run, but it’s definitely another major undertaking, that I have decided to take on. It seems that I either love school, or love student loan debt, because here I go again… although the outcome will be a major reward, and I know that it will be difficult, but is ultimately a great choice.

All in all, it’s been a busy year, and many changes have taken place; and I expect great things as a result. Here’s to a great (and hopefully even better than 2014) 2015!

a little reflection

A little over 3 months ago, I switched from working at an LTAC, long term acute care, hospital to working in the emergency department. The LTAC was my first job after nursing school, and it was grueling, exhausting, and often very trying. It was no stretch to say that I was kind of miserable a lot of the time. When my contract was up, I was hopeful that I would be able to move to a new area of nursing specialty at the hospital, because I really liked working for this hospital, and I was delighted when I interviewed and was hired to work in the ED. While I was excited, I was also terrified; I had been told by a lot of nursing instructors that I would love the ED, but I was still pretty nervous (especially given my experience in nursing so far), because if this was a bust, what the hell was I going to do?

With that being said, I started on nights, and I really started to enjoy my job. I liked the people working on nights, and actually found that I was getting a lot more satisfaction out of my job; more so than I ever had before. Additionally, I found that I was less unhappy when I wasn’t at work, and I didn’t dread going to work anymore. I think it really hit home, when James mentioned that he noticed I didn’t really complain about work anymore; which is something I was really happy to hear.

As I was hired with the intention of going to day shift, the time came recently for me to go to days, and again, I found myself very nervous. When I switched over to days a couple weeks ago, I was really nervous not only because I had gotten to like working with the night time crew, but also, because I was worried that I was going to dislike anything about days. This had a lot to do with the fact that I had finally found a place I felt like I fit in within nursing. Well, I can certainly say, that while I miss my night time comrades, I find that I have been enjoying working days as well; and a bonus is I don’t have to deal with the fucked up sleeping schedule.

I am pleased that I have found a place in nursing that I actually love, and even more so, that I can actually say that I love being a nurse (most of the time… after all, there are parts none of us nurses like!). That just makes me really, really happy. Things are kinda good, and I am okay with that!

I’m coming out… I want the world to know…

Today is National Coming Out day! Today is a great day in which we look to our fellow gay community to celebrate being who you are, and letting everyone know how proud you are to be who you are. Coming out is the best way to not only be yourself, but also to bring visibility to the gay community as a whole; people get to see just how many of us there are among them. Coming out is a celebration, and a giant step in the life of any gay man, lesbian woman, trans individual, bisexual person, or questioning person.

Let’s not forget, however, that coming out is an intensely powerful statement, not only to oneself, but also to those around them. Coming out to yourself is a monumental step for every single LGBTQ person, and it is one that often takes years of struggle, soul searching, and coming to terms with your own identity. There are those of us that find it easy to come out, and there are those of us that struggle for years, even a lifetime, to either come out to ourselves, or to those around us (or both). Some people struggle with this more than others, and remember, especially on days like this, that they deserve our love and support, because they are grappling with understanding and embracing their very fundamental being.

I write about this so that people who have not come out, and thus cannot fully and truly understand the powerful ramifications coming out has to a queer person, can better grasp the magnitude of such a statement. I also write about this, so that we can share in understanding just how much of a celebration this day should be; and anyone’s coming out day, for that matter.

I. Am. Gay. While it’s something that seems so small and innocent, it is in fact something that is not only hard to say, but it can be almost impossible to accept for oneself, as well as for those around them.

Honor those that speak loudly about who they are, and be proud of those that represent us in the public eye. Applaud and celebrate those that find themselves, and are out and proud as gay, lesbian, trans, bi, and queer individuals; I can assure you that they did not come to this place lightly, and being who you are takes a ton of courage. This is something that should be celebrated when it happens for anyone, because it marks a monumental phase in someone’s life; the moment when they are finally free to be who they are. Never let yourself fall into the space of questioning why someone has not come out if you believe them to be LGBTQ, because coming out isn’t as easy for everyone; trust me, it took me quite a while to get here myself.

So let’s celebrate today for what it is; a statement, a purpose, an understanding that someone finally get’s to be themselves. There really is no better feeling than the moment when you can finally say to yourself, and to the world…

I’m gay and proud, damn it!

…AND, I want everyone to know!! Happy Coming Out day, everyone!

10 years

Back in 2003, I had this friend. He and I were pretty close, but little did I know, we were about to get closer. He was sort of “tricked” into confessing that he liked me more than a friend, and with this information, I decided to see where it might go. We were worried that it had the potential to ruin an amazing friendship, but sometimes, the risk is worth it.

This time it paid off.

10 years

Yesterday, September 14, 2013, James and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. We have been through some amazing times and some not so amazing times, but I couldn’t imagine a better partner to have at my side than him. He makes me laugh, he consoles me when I cry, he has stood by my side, and has been there with me through some pretty hard times. We have been on this journey for 10 years, and while there have been ups and downs, the journey has been amazing. I truly hope that this is the beginning of a lifetime together.

I love you James. You are the best partner that anyone could ever hope to have in life; and I am lucky enough to call you mine.