It is no secret that I have been thoroughly enjoying the new show Glee, that it seems everyone is talking about. However, this post really isn’t about Glee. While I find the show funny, sweet, endearing, the times where it has proven to be an intimate portrait of real life are what have really struck a cord with me.
Now, I am going to say this to warn you, I am going to discuss something that happened on the show last night, so you have been forewarned of spoilers, and should stop reading now if you haven’t seen the episode/don’t want to see this spoiler.
On last night’s episode, Kurt came out to his father (he came out in the episode before it too, and while I’m glad they covered him coming out, I really hope the whole season isn’t Kurt coming out to people) and while I thought it was really touching, it was what was said said during their conversation that really hit me. Mike O’Malley (who’s kind of adorable) played Kurt’s father, and after Kurt came out to him, he said to him, “I’ve known since you were 3. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels.”. While his follow up was hilarious, I can’t help but focus on his initial response: “I’ve known since you were 3.”. For me, an unavoidable question arose when I heard that statement: why didn’t you say anything, then?
This reminds me of a scene from the first season of (the American version) Queer as Folk, where Justin’s mom Jennifer is talking to Debbie about their respective gay sons. Jennifer was having an issue with talking to Justin about it (I think it was about getting confirmation that he was indeed gay), when Jennifer said something to the effect of “when did you know your son was gay?”. Debbie’s response really resonated with me in the same way Kurt’s father’s response did; however, she took it a crucial step farther. Debbie tells her that she had always known, and quips to Jennifer that parents always know; which is the reason that she went to her son and talked to him about it, so that he wouldn’t have to face the difficulty of coming to her on his own.
What I wanted to get at with writing about this is, if parents know their child is gay, why don’t they talk to them about it, instead of making us go through the process of coming out? Even if you aren’t 100% sure your child is gay, at least going to them, and talking to them makes it easier for them to know that things are going to be okay. Coming out was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and unfortunately, I got that same response from my parents, “we’ve always known”.
This time I was asking myself: since they knew, why didn’t they say anything? Since they knew, why did they make me go through the pain of having to come to them, on my own, to tell them? I am sure they had to of noticed how hard it was for me to do it, and what I went through all of those years prior to your official confirmation, so again, why did they wait?
I think that many parents are afraid to take responsibility for things, and as such, are afraid to talk to their kids about things that are affecting them. This is a major reason why some parents are terrified to talk with their kids about sex, which, just like ignoring the gay issues, has its own set of consequences. It’s incredibly difficult for me to understand how you can be someone’s parent (or guardian), and not want to protect and love your child as much as humanly possible. It would seem to me, that this would include making things better for them in any way I could (in this case, making their lives easier by helping them come out by going to them first and letting them know it is okay).
Unfortunately, I know there are people out there that are just downright horrible people, and many of those people would likely cause harm to their child if put in this situation; and as such, these are not the people I am asking to answer this question. A friend of mine in college named Mandy was thrown out by her parents when they found out she was indeed a lesbian, and they cut her off completely. People like that should really be ashamed of themselves, but are clearly so selfish, that I am certain that isn’t possible. Yet, parents that aren’t horrible people like the ones I just mentioned, still let their kids go through the painful process of discovering who they really are alone. I just don’t get it.
I once dated someone whose parents came to him and discussed his sexuality before he came out to them, and they had an amazing relationship. I always admired them for their being so forthcoming with him, and making the issue of his sexuality something that helped him, instead of hurt him. By opening up to him, he wasn’t forced to go the often difficult journey of discovering who you are, and coming out, alone. Seeing it practice even strengthened my curiosity as to why so many parents don’t do the same thing his parents did for him.
I can tell you, that if I ever have kids, no issue will be “off the table”. I think one of the best ways you can show your child that you love them, is by not keeping vital information that you know they are struggling with to discover themselves to yourself; the damage that could arise always outweighs the discomfort you might feel engaging in a sensitive conversation. If there is anything that I would want to come out of this, is if any parent reads this, and you think your child might be gay, talk to them about it. The worst thing that could happen, is that you make their life easier in the process; and isn’t that what every good parent wants for their child?
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