… and those that are hurt most by it.
Imagine my surprise at what I read on my buddy Vince’s blog yesterday. I can’t believe that people could be so cruel to such a great person. Seriously, it has become more and more clear to me during my tenure as an out gay man, that being fat somehow makes you less of a man in the gay community.
It is a pretty clear (and actually quite accurate) stereotype that the tongue of a gay man can be as sharp as a knife, and when criticism comes out of a gay man’s mouth, it will certainly cut to the bone. Gay men seem to have this amazing ability to criticize, demean, belittle, and insult things they see as worthy of that negative attention, mostly because we have been schooled so expertly in the craft of criticism. I know I learned a lot about criticism and insult, and I would bet that many learned it as I did; by being on the receiving end of said criticism. Because of our continual experience with being hurt, we learned how to turn it around, even expertly, on the world that hurt us. But, the more I slip outside of that notion of a “gay community”, and go out to bars less and less, I notice more and more how this criticism is not only reserved for our attackers; we use it against other gays, and in that action, become just like those that hurt us.
I remember sitting in my 7th grade class, with my head down on my desk, while the boys in the class continually called me a girl, and one even put a tampon on my chair between my legs. I could barely hold back tears, and all the while, the teacher did nothing to stop it. I can remember being insulted in the halls, ridiculed in the lunch room, and criticized for being gay at every turn; all the way through school. And as such, I am an expert in criticism. Unfortunately, like many gay men, I turned my criticism inwards, and I criticise everything about myself; my weight, my appearance, everything I do, everything I make, etc. Unfortunately, many gay men, once they come out and get a sense of feeling good about themselves because of the acceptance they receive from the gay community, they take that criticism one step too far; they instantly turn some it outward towards those that don’t fit that perfect “gay standard”.
Boys with more than 5% body fat, and those that can’t wear the skin tight jeans and t-shirts are the first to get that criticism. It is typical, too typical, for the “perfect” gay men to criticize, and even look through gay men that weren’t blessed with perfect genes, or those that aren’t willing to kill themselves in the gym (or take tina) just to fit into a pair of 32s. Instantly, all of that criticism that hurt us so badly when we were growing up is coming out of our mouths, being used to describe members of our own community. How can we scream at the top of our lungs about equality and community, when we constantly whisper behind the fat, short, balding, “less than perfect” guy’s backs? How can we do this and not be hypocrites?
I for one like my chunky boys. Most of the people who know me know this. I don’t want some skinny thing, I want a man. I want a man with chest hair and a little bit of meat on him, six pack abs are totally lost on me. If you want to impress me, you are wasting your time with that “perfect body” crap. But unfortunately, the gay community doesn’t share my view; there is so much pressure to be that “prefect” guy, that we have divided ourselves, and instead of actually being a community, we have sectioned off ourselves to associating with the small groups of likeness based on body types. The gym boys hang with the gym boys. The bears hang with the bears. And there is very little intermingling.
And why is that? Because of the criticism. Both sides have their criticisms, but I would bet that the criticism coming from the gym boys is stronger, because it is reflective of both society’s negative view of heavier people, coupled with the increased pressure created by the gay community itself. How hard must it be to finally get the courage to come out and seek acceptance from those like you, only to have insult come from the group that is supposed to be just like you? It is something that many see, but for some reason, it still goes on.
I say, that if we truly want to be a community, we need to stop clinging to this myth of a gay “ideal”. The real truth, is that many of those guys that are killing themselves in the gym (or are just taking tina), have immense amounts of internal pressure on them to maintain that “perfect body”. They are so terrified to get “fat”, because of the realization that they would fall victim to the very criticism they themselves sling at fat gay men. But, if we didn’t do that to gay men in the first place, hopefully some of that pressure would be lifted, and everyone would be a little happier. My point is, it is shameful to prance around like you are somehow better than someone else because they are fat, and you have six pack abs. We are all a part of the gay community, fat and thin, and we gays need to stop overly enforcing the social oppression that we face by turning it inward on our own. If you have a problem with someone just because of their weight, and feel the need to be cruel (as the person was to Vince), obviously, there are some issues that you have to work out. In the mean time, would you mind being a little bit more considerate, as the rest of the community still has feelings, and only wants a little acceptance from the other gays, okay? Thanks.
Only tangentially related, but…
Last Saturday night one of my friends remarked out of the blue that there are three gay archetypes; the bear, the pretty boy, and the gym rat. I offered a fourth type – other. The thing that amused me is that I am pretty sure there are only four straight archetypes; chubby-fat hairy guys, metrosexuals, jocks, and other.
We have a bottomless capacity to separate ourselves into tribes.
Neither the harsh criticism nor the obsession with weight is exclusive to the gay community. You just notice it more b/c that’s what you’re a part of. It would be no different if you were straight. Well.. actually, it would be a little different since you’re male. It leans more towards being a female standard in the straight world.
And you know how I feel about this subject as well. I both have a horrible body image and have a completely different standard in regards to looks and weight than the majority of people. It makes me sad to hear what happened to him, but I’m not surprised at all. It’s one of the MANY reasons I hate bars and clubs.
joey, I didn’t say they were exclusive to the gay community, but I do believe that we are far more obsessed with it than the wider, straight, population. I am suggesting that most of our criticism comes from the criticisms we received from the wider population, and unfortunately, we turn it inward. Additionally, the fact that we use it against our own is awful; especially since we are already marginalized to begin with.
It’s worse in the gay male community b/c… well we’re all overcritical men. But I agree, the standard is ridiculous. It’s why pretty much the only bar I ever agree to go to is Mary’s. It’s not like wetbar or red chair or any of the other youth/bleach/weight/money obsessed hangouts. I don’t have the time or patience for that shit.
Also, is that your buddy Vince in the picture on the right of his blog? O_o Doesn’t look like he has much to worry about in the looks department.
(and fix the link in your post)
Exactly!
And thanks for the heads up about the link. D’oh!
“We have divided ourselves, and instead of actually being a community, we have sectioned off ourselves to associating with the small groups of likeness based on body types.”
And that is the saddest thing of all. Here we are trying so hard to further the cause of the community within society at large, and yet we can not even embrace each other. Until we can really call ourselves a community, we are in for a very long fight.
But in reality, I just posted that so people would tell me I look good. And in worked! Thanks, Joey. And Duane! ;o)
I believe we are starting a revolution! Well, so far it is just a three patge revolution but it has been started. I for one am going out and making a t-shirt that says “Chubby, Gay and Proud.” Great post Duane.
I feel for him but I don’t think he should have left the club. That only encourages these pricks to snap at people they don’t want to look at.
Thanks for the link to that article… it makes my blood boil…
I have posted to my blog about other activities in a similar, but you’ve both inspired my next essay.
In Toronto, if you want to find the most bunch of shallow, unfeeling, image-obsessed men, check out the on-line hook-up sites, or take a stroll through the gay village.
Do we not face enough crap on a daily basis, that we continue to eat our own?
One quick story to relate
My best friend has cerebral palsy. His childhood was horrendous. His attitude though, is inspiring. But, in trying to date, he said guys would show up, take one look and suddenly remember they left their car lights on, and never returned. The first time we met 15 years ago, his only request was a hug, and that hug lasted for like 30 minutes. He said it was the first time that someone saw beyond his chair. But, for lack of people doing that, he had settled for something with one guy that could best be described as abusive. Finally got him to give that areshole the boot. A few months after, I invited an acquaintance along for a day out for movie, dinner, and fireworks. The two of them hit it off immediately, but, both were too shy to swap numbers, so I did it for them. Three weeks later they moved in together, and they have been partnered for 12 years now. What so many failed to realize is that in that chair is a feeling, breathing, living human being. A co-worker once asked him why he chose to be gay. He said, oh, I chose it, the same way I chose to have CP, why have a small amount of living hell, when I can have a double dose.
It makes me wonder, how many have been in an abusive (physical or emotional) relationship because they didn’t think they could do better because of our obsession with body style and image. And the ones with the biggest hangups are those who cannot pass a mirror without stopping to preen and admire.
Sigh.
Give me a real person, not the plastic people I have seen so many of. I live for intelligent conversation and learning about others and their interests.
Was once set up on a blind date, arrive at the coffee shop to encounter a Dr. Phil wannabee. He starts in with this inquisition, along with pointing out what he saw as what faults of mine that I should improve on. Finally, I said, “you do not pay my bills, therefore, you have no say in how I live my life, therefore, please feel free to f**k off. Nothing worse than a self-hating queen who takes out their venom on anything within arm’s reach.” I said to the person who set up the date, “please do me a favour doll, don’t do me any favours.” I’d rather stick to being single with my two cats. All they ask for is food, water, a clean litter box, and lots of love and bellyrubs. They don’t care if I wear the latest fashions, if I have the perfect hair style or colour, if I look like I spend my every free moment sweating and straining in the gym, what kind of car I drive, or how I choose to live my life, or what part of the city I live that life in. They know when my back is at it’s worst and I cannot pick them up (read my post on bullying to get the whole story on the damage done to my spine by bullies).
Bitter? Oh, I have my moments. Does it colour my every waking moment? No. It comes forth mostly when I hear of this kind of crap. I had my first successful career in the world of finance for almost 20 years (where being gay was enough to get you shown the door, and still is in some companies). Now I’m happy in my second career, I’ve had my wrtings published, and it’s more rewarding than the previous career. Do I date? No. Stepped away from it, I was just so fed up and disgusted. And if the desires are strong, all I need are two hands and a vivid imagination. I have my friends, and I have met many other great people in the blogosphere. I’ll leave the plastic people to inhabit the bars and clubs and live their life of loathing and one-night stands. One day they will take their head of out their ass long enough for a breath of fresh air and a dose of reality, rather than inhaling their own flatulence and poisoning anyone within reach.
Jim, first of all, your friend sounds like an awesome guy; I am glad that he found someone who can appreciate him.
Second, don’t totally give up. There are others like you out there. You will find someone, even though you don’t have to have anyone to make you happy, it is something you should stay open to. Sounds like you have a lot to offer, and I just would hate to see a great guy get so turned off by the bad ones that he closes himself off to the good ones. Thanks for the comment, and the insight; it’s so great to know that we aren’t all playing the gay games.
It’s so true. The gay world can be crueller to its own than the str8 world.
I hate being a gay man over 30: everyone wants you to be invisible. I get sick of being called a pedo if I try to talk to younger person (and I mean talk, not hit on).
When I was younger and being gay was illegal, I never saw any of this agism. The older guys showed the younger ones the ropes: where to go, how to avoid the cops etc. We all partied and went to bars together etc. We young ones didn’t look at older gay men and think of them as dirty old men or pedos.
It’s got to the stage I never go out any more and life has become very lonely especially since I moved a few years ago and left my own age friends behind.
Hi, I just read this post through best gay blogs and totally agree with you. Im no ‘mr perfect body’ myself, but I wouldnt say that I was over weight. Recently I have been going to the gym a few times a week and watching what I eat not to get that six pack body, but to generally be more healthier and fitter. still after losing a good 16 pounds, someone I knew commented that i still had ’some way to go’ suggesting I needed to be as super slim as he was! this lack of support really upset me, and is exactly what leads to people getting depressed, which then leads to eating more to feel happy, which leads to putting on weight. its a cruel world!