Life, that is.
Eh, to say it’s “one of those days” would be a vast understatement. Sometimes I just feel like this, and it sucks. It doesn’t go anywhere, and then a few hours/days/weeks, it’s back to normal (or at least semi-normal). It is just enough to make you never want to get out of the bed again. Never interact with anyone again. Just enjoy your potato bagel with jalapeno cream cheese in the car, with the AC on blast, and the Carpenters blaring from the speakers. At least I can take comfort in those three things.
Also, I gave a homeless man a dollar today. I didn’t do it for selfish reasons, I didn’t do it to make myself feel better, regardless of what some might think; I gave it to him because I thought he needed it. He had the sign (they all do), and his said that he was a veteran. He looked like he could have been somebody’s grandpa.
And after I gave him that dollar, what did I feel? Goodness? Joy? Nope. It made me feel selfish. Selfish that I have all of these “problems”, and that I let depression take over me like it is today. It made me feel bad for not giving him more. It made me feel bad that I was sitting in my AC-cooled luxury car, while this man sat on the side of the road in the shade, because he didn’t have access to an indoor space. It just made me feel bad. Perhaps it made me feel more human.
Sometimes, I worry that the things that I take for granted will go away. But, in the state I am in, I am almost too apathetic to care. I’m too upset about the world, about what people think, the war, homelessness, global warming, etc. And it just goes on and on. And yet, I have it so good, but sometimes I don’t even see it. I am grateful, but things like this make me feel bad that I am not more grateful.
All that from a dollar. Some days are just those days… and it’s definitely taking it’s toll on me.
Have you ever heard of self-talk theory? I really know very little about depression, so take it with a grain of salt. But that being said, it looks like you are suffering from a cyclic cascade of negative thoughts with your internal dialog (“self talk”).
Could you try this: when these thoughts appear, try to stop them immediately and replace them with something positive?
Or is that an impossibility?
If you can do this maybe you can train your brain to have more positive patterns of thought.
This might be very naive advice as I have no idea about your personal situation. What you feel might be so heavy on your mind that you can’t do this. But I just wanted to offer the suggestion to you.
I am sorry you are feeling that way. Sometimes we just have to ride through these feelings. I have been feeling really isolated and introverted the past couple of days, and even my music choices have been kind of mellow and maudlin. And I really wish that I could snap out of it, but the only thing that works is time and then I get back to the way I want to be. But it is crap while it is happening. I hope you start to feel better soon!
Thanks you guys. Bugboy, it isn’t naive at all. The only thing is, as you said, you didn’t know my situation. This is totally a product of my depression, and I should be used to it now (if that is even something you should do with depression), but it still sucks the wind out of me on occasion.
I wish it were as simple as your suggestion, and for many it is; I just wish like hell I was one of those people!!! Thanks for the consideration. It really means a lot.
Do you find any triggers? Stress, lack of exercise, diet, etc? These are things I would be looking at, both as “causes” and “cures” (not real causes and cures, more like facilitators or something). Does doing anything help get you out of it or do you just have to wait it our? That would suck.
If it were me I would be very determined to find ways to help myself out of it. But things that I have been through like this have likely been mild compared to true clinical depression.
A long time ago, when I was just a tiny little bug, I worked in an office with a lab. One day I was asked to photocopy the medical records and found out all of the scientists in the lab were suffering from depression. I found that odd that none of the office workers but all of the scientists were depressed. Science is a true education to have, business is not. I wonder if there is a connection.
That’s interesting about scientists being the depressed ones. Perhaps it is the “weight of the world” that makes us more depressed; I know that is where a lot of my anxiety comes from. Unfortunately, mine is clinical depression, and it doesn’t necessarily need a trigger or a cause; sometimes, it just comes on suddenly, and you have to just get through it. It really sucks too, because being on drugs to combat that, you would think they would work; but they don’t always.
Also, one of the fucked up things about depression, is that it takes away your determination; so even if you want to figure out how to make yourself feel better, you are defeated before you take the first step. That is why depression is a lot like standing with your feet cemented in concrete. Trying to walk just doesn’t work, and the effort seems worthless, and pointless, and so you just get frustrated to the point that you give up, and stand there really upset.
I also likened it to being underwater, floating, and the only time you exert any effort, is to come to the surface and get air; but only when you absolutely need it. It is extremely hard to do even that.
Needless to say, it is definitely a frustrating situation, that I don’t want to be in anymore. But, alas, here it is.