Still not that much worth talking about going on. I had a pretty good weekend, but that was all thanks to great friends being around to hang out with me. I love my friends, and don’t know where I would be without them; well, I have an idea, probably a nut house or something. I would really like to reconnect with some friends I haven’t seen in a while, though, so if you are in that category, you know who you are, and expect that I will want to try and hang out soon. Fo sho!
Also this weekend, I went to IKEA with Lori, and ended up buying a lot of stuff for the house, including a table and a rug for the living room (or as it has been known since we moved everything into the spare bedroom, the room you enter the house in, and the room in which sits furniture no one uses), and now it looks like I real room!! Loving it! Here’s a picture. I still can’t believe that the rug was only $15. It was a must have, you know?
Other than that, things have been muddling along; I actually got a bunch of stuff done at work today, and hope to continue this trend. I have been feeling very unproductive in life lately, and I can’t seem to shake that. I hope that I can soon. Also, I have been seriously thinking about what I want to do for Christmas, and so far, the consensus is skip it. Seriously, boycott it all together. Of course, I will go to parties, and have fun with friends in the “spirit” of the holidays, and I will exchange gifts with James, but other than that, it can be skipped. No lights. No tree. And more importantly, no going “home” for the holidays.
I still haven’t made up my mind, but almost every sign is pointing towards staying here, and just saying “see you next year (maybe)”. What do you guys think? What should I say if I choose to stay here? I wonder how the rents will take that news… more guilt, no doubt. Oh well. Hope everyone had a great Monday!
I sat with the comment box open for a while before starting to write. Wasn’t sure if my two cents were really worth it but I did decide to type. I can’t possibly know what your relationship with your parents is like. In some ways its kind of irrelevant, all my suggestion can be is to think very carefully about the decisions you make about things like this because once you have made them you can’t take them back. I was very close to my parents but 3000 miles away from them every holiday. Every year something would come up to prevent me from going home. Eventually in 2003 I had it all planned two weeeks at home encompassing Christmas and the New Year. Plane ticket booked, first time in 10 years. My mother died the Sept of that year. I don’t regret the decisions I have made about my life but be aware you can never get missed time back.
Duane,
I write this in response to what Rich wrote…
Yes, time can pass and things might happen - no matter what you decide to do about going home. Knowing what you grew up in - knowing the parents - knowing the sister - knowing the other family members around “home”… I still stand by telling you that staying away from “home” is a good thing for you and James both. The worrying, second guessing yourself and guilt - all come from “home” and the ones you love (or love to hate). You need time to be yourself and have a life for the holidays - being “home” will only bring you stress.
Your mom and dad love you in their own way - they do not accept you for who you are and never will. You must understand this and learn to accept that this is all they can do. You should know that Grandma loves you more than anything on earth - that is a good thing…she too does not accept you for who you are BUT she still loves you. She doesn’t have to understand or approve of you and James in order to love you - that is where your mom and dad have the hang up - they want you to change.
As for our whole family - yours and mine being the same - they have issues with anyone who is not like them. You know that I share the same issues of family with you BUT I have learned to keep boundries with them. I call and see them on my terms and if they break the rules/boundries I make different choices about being around them the next time. I have choosen to be in control of the amount of stress and pain that they place on me. You need to do the same.
Back to what Rich said - we all could die tomorrow. If something happened tomorrow to your mom and dad or grandma how would you feel?? Were you there for them? But were they there for you? Did you do everything for them you could? But did they do everything for you that they could have? Did you make time for them in your life after you left home? But did they make time for you in their lives after you were grown? Did you make an effort to visit and/or call them? But did they visit or call you? As for Shannon - ask these questions - Does she write/visit/call you just to say hello or I Love You? Does she share things with you and you with her as you did growing up and keep them between the two of you? Doe she share her life with you and James? Has she shared her son with you?
Live your life and live it without regrets. You can’t replace family but your friends can love you as much if not more. Know that I love you more than words could ever say - I am family and I speak from experience in this area. We cannot change our fathers or mothers or sisters for that matter - but we can change the pattern of pain and hurt that our families cause us. Think long and hard before you come “home” for Christmas - your real home is with James in Atlanta - that is where you are loved without strings attached - where pointed words are not spilled to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home - where you can forget about putting up a front about who you are and the love the two of you share. I say - send a card saying - “sorry I can’t make it home this year - maybe next year - love ya, your son Duane”
I just assumed that you’ve been too busy wielding your Wiimote to go outside.
There’s nothing wrong with staying here and taking care of yourself and being good to yourself.
At what point does going home for the holidays mean waking up with James and you’re already there?