Tomorrow I leave for NC. A 6 hour drive to see people that don’t even care if I show up or not. Scratch that… they do care, but only enough to create and flaunt the guilt that would come if I didn’t show up. So much effort wasted on trying to make me feel bad that I don’t put 100% of the effort into our “relationship”.
Oh well. Thank GOD I have such an amazing cousin (I LOVE YOU!!!) who totally hooked us up with a salvation spot: a hotel to stay in, instead of having to stay at their house. At least we can leave if it becomes necessary. The threat of “I will leave if you don’t stop” can finally be real.
I know that people always wonder what is “so bad” about a family that could cause you to not want to visit them, but it is pretty simple; people that make you feel bad about yourself aren’t good people. Going to their house will be to open myself up to the criticism that they call “love”. Going to their house will make me uncomfortable, because I know what they say about us when we aren’t there. Going to their house will cause me to be subjected to hearing negative things about other family members that I truly love, and who I know truly love me no matter what. I hurts to be around these type of people because they hurt me and call it love. Someone has to actually love me and prevent me from going through this anymore. From now on, that person is going to be me.
No one should feel so obligated to maintain a relationship with people that show you over and over that they do not want one back. Not calling me because you have convinced yourself I am too busy is not an adequate excuse. Throwing tons of guilt at me because I don’t call you isn’t acceptable. The reason you sound like a stranger, and the reason you know nothing about our lives, is because you wanted it that way. You can only expect to get out what you put in, and that is something you both need to know. And I have faith in myself that you will begin to know that soon. And no, that baby will not be your excuse either; you decided how I would relate to him well before he was born, and you have only cemented that distance by never sending me any photos or word of him since his birth. You did that, and you will have to accept it. You will get back what you put in. Nothing.
I have decided that this will be the year that I make changes. Things won’t be this way again next year. I can’t let them continue. And, most importantly, I will NOT be the ONLY one that knows it. I will not silently take the blame, the shame, and play their game.
I officially quit. I am so sick of this shit, and I am not going to put up with it silently alone any more. I will come to see you on my terms, and if you don’t like it, I will leave. But you will know that it was you that made me leave, and you will understand what the guilt that you have thrown at me for 28 years truly feels like. I may hope that it will change you, but I honestly don’t have very high hopes for that… all I can hope for is for my own happiness. And dammit, I am working on it.
You said a lot that rang true to me today..most notably, “people that make you feel bad about yourself aren’t good people”. But I do think that sometimes people who are good can do the same…but it isn’t necessarily intentional. Luckily, I do not have that problem with my family.
I do deal with catching shit for not calling or visiting the family enough…but I have always been of the opinion that the phone rings both ways and I-75 heads into and out of Atlanta.
I do hope you and James have a very safe and happy holiday.
Thanks buddy. We will drink to it when I return!
Pardon all the italics…only “family” was supposed to be italicized.
I LOVE YOU and James - have a safe trip - I will be in Raleigh tomorrow until 4ish - not sure I will see ya’ll - but have a good time (best you can have) and be real to yourself. Call me on my cell if you need anything or if things get too bad -