I saw this postcard on postsecret today, and honestly, it really stuck me hard. This card really made me wonder how people can change their love for their children, based on finding out their child’s sexual orientation. I seriously don’t understand how that can change someone so much that you stop loving them, or even start loving them less because of who they are.
I guess I just wonder this, because I sometimes wonder if my parents love me less because of who I am. They have never said anything to me about it, but then again, we never actually talk about (or even address) the fact that I am gay. All that was ever said, was said the day I came out. Since then, it has not been even a subject up for discussion, unless there have been instances where I forced the issue (i.e., my sister’s wedding, where James wasn’t going to be allowed to sit with the family, and I threw a fit.). I sometimes wonder if they have distanced themselves from me for the reason that this father/mother sent in this secret. Perhaps, they share those feelings; but I just wonder, as I said before, how can you change your love for someone based on who THEY are? All I can do to make myself feel better when I read, hear, or see things like this, is guarantee that I would never judge and criticize my child or anyone else’s child in this way. If I love someone, especially my (possible, someday) child(ren), I will do so unconditionally, and will always feel that way. I believe that once you give love, you should never take it back.
I just can’t comprehend how someone can stop loving, or change their love for their own child because that child shares who they really are with their parents. What do you all think? Where do you think this mentality comes from? How do you think people have this ability to turn their backs on those they love because of something they don’t agree with (which doesn’t make it any less true or any more “wrong”)? How do you think you can change these thoughts, or can we?
What is so wrong with people today that we turn our backs on our own children because of who they love? This really sheds light on the way that people can turn their backs on those in need… if you can do it to your own child, you can certainly do it to a stranger who has less than you, and needs a helping hand. And this is what people hide under the guise of what is right and moral? I think not.
I often wonder these things, too, when I hear that parents have found out that their kids are gay or their kids have come out to them and they don’t take it well. The only thing that I can come up with is that maybe in some way they are trying to live their lives through their kids and since this is not something that they personally would do then they are upset and/or disapointed and it messes up their whole vision of what THEY want their kids to be. (notice how many times I wrote they or their?) It’s all about them and it’s a selfish thing - not about their kids - and what makes the kid happy. To be honest, I think it’s a completely selfish reaction.
The postcard struck me as well, for the same reasons. I’ve been together with my partner for 20 years now and my aprents never talked about it until he & I got married - we live in Massachusetts, so it’s legal. That Christmas, my Mother said she couldn’t tell anyone about the wedding because she was ashamed of me because I’m gay. And my parents never sent even as a much as a wedding card, even though they helped pay for two (2) of my only brother’s weddings. That’s the way they treated me my whole life, so it was good to get it out in the open.
Wow. I am sorry David.
My mom is really cool with my being gay and she just loves Chris, she gets him Christmas and birthday gifts and treats him like one of the family. His father practically disowned him, but his father is an evil man and if it wasn’t the gay issue it would have been something else. I saw the card too and it made me really sad that the relationship was damaged because of what the parent was feeling.
When I read that, I think I’m really lucky. My parents are divorced, my mom has no problems with me being gay at all. In fact, she likes my boyfriends, treats them as a regular part of the family, and gets them gifts and all that. My uncles and aunts are just the same.
My dad however still loves me very much and has no problems with my friends either, but we don’t speak about that topic. His new partner is talking about it sometimes. She says that it wasn’t easy for him, but he loves me just as much as always. And he’s always showing it when I see him.
I took it for granted, but sometimes when you hear such stories I realize that my family is just great.
I don’t understand the loss of love either.
I may be the odd man out here, but after I came out to my family, we became even closer than before. I can’t explain it other than to say they were happy to know that I was finally outwardly happy and being myself. Of course there were initial adjustments that my parents had, but they both (especially my dad) ended up becoming more involved in my everyday life. My dad and I became really close. He died six years later (after I came out), and I look back and feel happy for the good times we had.
My partner and I were together for 11 years (until the unfortunate “divorce” last year) and both our families were always one big group together. It was the best, loving feeling to be part of that.
The way I explained it to my parents is: (Sorry for getting crude but…) #1. Being gay does not change the fact that I shot right out of your puss mom. #2. Being gay does not change our “bloodline” #3. Being gay did not change me, it’s just who I am. #4. Being gay does not mean that I love you any less. #5. Being gay should also mean that you shouldn’t love me any less. #6. WTF do you care what I do behing closed doors? and #7. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.
But having this very difficult conversation with parents is never fun, or easy. Some parents are more accepting, some need time, and then some just never come around. It sucks for anyone to get those parents who disown the child because of sexual orientation. Duane I know how much this affects you, and I am really sorry that it does. But just remember what you said one night at dinner. Family is not just the people you were born into, but the people who you surround yourself with. Andrew and I both love YOU and James DEARLY!!! And you know that.
Love always,
Daniel
(((Huggg)))
When I was a teenager my parents went on and on about how they loved us unconditionally and we were lucky because they didn’t feel that their parents were very conditional with their love. I guess they learned a lot about themselves when I came out.