Yes. There’s a difference. There is a big difference between acknowledging attraction to someone, and acting on it. See, I will admit it. I am definitely attracted to lots of different people. Lots of different types of people. Men. I love to look at men. I look at men all day long, and never get tired of it. Does that mean that I act on those attractions? No. Does that mean that I am any less attracted to my partner? Absolutely not! I identify that I am very visually oriented, and I like looking at things (in this case people) that I am attracted to. But, it doesn’t mean that I would ever step outside of my relationship for one second; that’s not something I would ever even think about, or want to do. See, I love James with all my heart. He is the most beautiful, sexy, awesome lover/friend/partner that I could ever imagine. I consider myself the luckiest guy alive, because I found someone that really does compliment me well, and he is hot as hell, and we totally love each other.
Does that mean that I instantly shut off my eyes and stopped being attracted to other guys? NO! That’s silly to think that. But, it does mean, that as long as I am lucky enough to be with James, that James is the only man for me. Period. I love to look at men (James is a man too, you know), but I as far as actually being with another man? Nope. Not going to happen.
The reason I bring this up, is because I find that sometimes people hear that you are attracted to someone, or comment that someone is hot or whatever, and instantly that person thinks you would be willing to cheat on your partner; but I don’t understand that. I think that is why I wanted to write this post, was to get a perspective of what you all think. When your partner mentions someone else is attractive (or you mention it for that matter), what is your reaction? How does your partner react when you say someone is attractive/hot? James just needs acknowledgement that I think he is hot, and so that is what I give him. It’s a small thing that makes him feel good about the fact that I can be attracted to other men. I mean, all those of you out there that watch porn, isn’t that for some level of attraction? Don’t you find yourselves attracted to the people (well, at least with gay porn, they tend to use hot actors, I can’t speak of the men in straight porn) in the videos? Why is it that when we acknowledge our attraction, it is interpreted as a desire to cheat? Can’t we just think someone else is hot, and keep in in our pants? I know I can… but I guess I just wanted to know why people instantly think that? hmmm… thoughts? I know of at least one person that this issue pretty much destroyed his relationship (boyfriend was uber jealous because he acknowledged other men were hot, but he never cheated, nor gave him reason to believe he would), and I wanted to get some perspective here.
I know that I shouldn’t care what other people think, but all of us do, whether we admit it or not. And I guess I just don’t like people thinking that just because I think someone is hot, that I love my partner any less, and would be willing to cheat on him. Anyway… tell me what YOU think.
Although I’m currently single…when I am dating someone it doesn’t bother me if they look or comment on someone being attractive. Only natural.
Just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you have to put blinders on to the rest the world. My thoughts on this subject are best summarized in the words of a song covered by Dolly Parton:
Baby don’t you know I love you so
Can’t you feel it when we touch
I will never never let you go
I love you oh so much
You can dance, go and carry on
‘Til the night is gone
And it’s time to go
If he asks if you’re all alone
Can he take you home, you must tell him no
‘Cause don’t forget who’s taking you home
And in whose arms you’re gonna be
So darling, save the last dance for me
It’s human nature to find other people attractive. There’s nothing wrong with it and it’s the follow up that counts.
When I see someone I find attractive I make a mental note of it and move on. That person is a stranger to me, two dimensional at best and that’s all there is to it. I’m constantly amazed at how people can become fixated on a person because of something that is basically just “good bait”. How many times have you talked to someone you thought was hot and realized within moments that you would rather chew your arm off than stay talking with this person one more minute?
As for people thinking you will cheat on a partner because of an offhand comment about a good looking guy, I think it’s wishful thinking on their part.
Sad that you have to actually explain this. Or, should I use the passive structure… sad that this has to be explained. ‘Cause this isn’t just about you explaining it. It’s about anyone explaining it. (I wrote about it a while ago.)
I think that, more than anything else, it just speaks to the supreme sexual fucked-upedness of our culture.
Aw hell Duane, now you’ve gotten the gears in my brain all a-turnin’, and I may have to write about this again myself…
Rich: sing it sister!
Jeff:
OH MY GOD. You are so 100% right! I dated someone for like 5 minutes once that was HOT HOT HOT, but there was nothing going on upstairs. Sad. I would rather have an average looking guy that is smart and fun. Luckily, James is ALSO a hottie, so I lucked out… but I digress…
Amber: Preach it sister!
You CAN find someone attractive/hot and not act on it. If you don’t find others attractive you’re abnormal or a liar. Sounds like James just needs a little extra acknowledgement, but there’s nothing wrong with that either, as long as it’s not taken to the extreme.
pocahontas, it certainly isn’t. I totally see where he is coming from, and it doesn’t bother me at all to tell my hot man that he is a hottie. In fact, it’s quite easy!
It doesn’t bother me at all that Jeff notices and makes comments about other guys. It’s healthy. I do it, too. The bottom line is trust. He’s never given me an excuse not to trust him so I take his comments at face value. “Wow, that guy’s hot” means “wow, that guy’s hot” and not “I can’t wait to dump your ass and get me some of that”. How can you fault a healthy gay man for appreciating a beautiful male body?
I totally agree with you! I’ve always been a people watcher and I love to look at guys. Whether its on the street, passing in cars or at the gym… my eyes are always trying to focus. I would also never cheat on my man and to be honest he even “points” out potential guys for me to look at… no matter what its him that I’m coming home too.
Hey Duane:
Great post. I comment here all the time, but don’t want to put my name/blog url up there for obvious reasons. When I met my BF, whom I now live with, something changed. First, after we met, I deleted all my on-line profiles (I think I had like 4 of ‘em) and I noticed that I didn’t look at other guys the same way I used to. Sure, I notice an attractive guy, but not the way I used to, because the guy I have is all the man I need and want. However… big however, even though we’re working things out, I found out he cheated - twice - while we were still doing the long distance thing. I was (still am, kinda) devastated, but I love him with all my heart and I don’t doubt for a minute that he loves me and we both feel what we have is something worth salvaging. I mean, fuck, I moved almost 2000 miles to be with him even after I found out. I think he knows it makes me feel un-comfortable when he sees an attractive guy and I notice when he notices, but he keeps it low-key. Does it make me feel un-comfortable? After I know what he’s done, you better believe it. Maybe that old line is true: ‘you can look, but you sure as shit had better not touch - or even think about it.’ We’ve set some boundaries - something we should’ve done at the beginning: He does it again; I’m gone. If I find him in chat rooms chatting with other guys; I’m gone. People make mistakes and I’ve given him another chance. That other old line ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ sticks with me damn near every day and he knows it. We talk a lot. We cry a lot. We’re working through it, but he knows the boundaries now and also knows the fact that I won’t be shit on twice. Again, good post. *end of rant*
As Alex from Noah’s Arc said: “I’m married, not dead b*tch, I can look.”
It is impossible not to look and frankly I am not a big fan of monogamy so taking something further isn’t an issue to me however the absolutely most important thing and unfortunately the thing that constantly gets missed and causes all the heartache and problems is good down to earth 100% honest conversation. Where you stand, where you are coming from and what another person does or doesn’t mean to you are conversations you need to have and have and have again. Tell no lies, break no hearts.
People find it odd, but when I’m with someone that I truly like I don’t look at other guys. Which is odd seeing as how I work in an occupation that is visually oriented and make my living that way - you’d think it would apply to all areas.
I usually take it as a sign that I’m not really into someone I’m dating if I find myself looking at other guys because all of my longest relationships were with people where I didn’t find myself looking at anyone else.
I know that definately doesn’t apply to everyone, but it just seems to be the way I am.
People are asses. I have more pictures of Jake on my cubicle wall than Erik but Erik is the love of my life.
I understand the sentiment there, but to my mind, the “not touching” part is what really matters. Do I sometimes think about having sex with other people? Of course! I’m human after all! And, although I’ll let the GDBF speak for himself if he so chooses, I’m pretty damn sure he thinks about having sex with other people sometimes, too. It’s called fantasy. It’s healthy. It does not mean you are actually going to run out and of it, or that you actually even want to run out and do it. And furthermore, ignoring or attempting to deny these feelings/thougts when you have them is unhealthy.
Now, in case someone comes along and starts talking about, “Isn’t it emotional infidelity if your partner is constantly thinking about someone else when s/he is fucking you?” Yeah, it probably is. But notice I said sometimes, not always. Big difference. And, ultimately, since you can’t know what’s in another person’s mind, you have to trust them and take them at their word. Which can be really freakin’ scary, but… there it is.
Er,
Should be, “run out and DO it”
Duane has Eyes! Beautiful things are all around. I say enjoy the beautiful things while they are there. Eye candy is one of Gods greatest gifts. You can’t tell me you never say someone else is hottt. Don’t you have a thing for Jack Black? Trust! You have to trust the person you Love or it isn’t LOVE. Dude hold onto your man he’s a keeper. When you think he’s starting to look too long at someone else. Get up and make him want to look at you. Do something to keep his attention. Pull out (yes, I think you understand I went there) all the stops and if he laughs at you don’t be offended for it’s normally a good laugh with the thoughts flowing thru their mind “How did I get this lucky to have someone so nuts about me that he would do ______.” I can’t tell you all my secrets but I wish you the best in this. I’ve learned I can’t be too sensitive with people I love cause sometimes they will hurt me without knowing they’re hurting me. Duane is explaining why it shouldn’t hurt you. I think you should start a game like Duane will say I think that guy’s an 8 and you’ll be like hell naw he’s only a 5 in my book. Lol, make it a game and it’ll be fun. Yatta!!!
Hey Duane, Did you see Heros Last night? Did you Love it or what? I liked it. But, then I liked Kyle XY also.
::Glomp::
Love that Dolly Parton’s song.