My parents called me on my birthday. I didn’t return their call. My sister called me on my birthday. I didn’t return her call. I am working on getting my issues with them out in the open, but it is going to take a lot of time. In the mean time, I am avoiding them.
The best possible strategy? Probably not. But I don’t HAVE to do anything.
My friend’s mom was in town this weekend, and told me I have to maintain a relationship with my nephew, whom I have never even met nor heard anything about, other than his name. But I don’t want to. I don’t see why I have to build and maintain a relationship with someone whom I have never met, and unless I go out of my way to establish said relationship and go to meet him, I will never meet.
Why is it that people only want to maintain a relationship with you if you are willing to do all of the work? Sometimes, you get to the point where enough is enough, and you start to ask yourself, “do I really have to?”. The answer is no, duane. No, you don’t.
I don’t believe you have to. I think she has a very strong sense of “blood is thicker than water,” but that’s not always true.
I know you have issues with your family, but I’d hate for that kid to miss out on having a great person who’s his uncle in his life. He didn’t create any of those issues - his mom did.
I am 100% with you, Duane - no, you don’t! I relate to what you are saying because I feel the same way about my family.
I don’t understand. You said you don’t want to do all the work yet they called you.
You don’t HAVE to, no. But if you are missing them and missing being part of the family unit, then you should. And yeah, that kid needs to know how awesome his uncle is. You’ll always be his uncle, regardless of whether or not you ever meet.
dave, I hardly think calling me once a year on my birthday qualifies as them doing anything to maintain our relationship. If I want to talk to my parents, I always have to call them.
except for on your Birthday dave
true that! Fixed that typo too!
An adult relationship with family…
First of all, just because family makes a phone call doesn’t mean its not hard work to take it.  There’s a reason my wife has a glass of wine after talking to her mom and it wasn’t because she tired herself out answering the phone.  It’s everything after hello that can take it out of her. Don’t feel obligated to take every call made to you.
Secondly, the time that you give your family as an adult child is a gift to them, at the very least.  It’s something that you should feel happy to give, not motivated by guilt or the need to please them at the expense of your happiness.  With all the responsibilities of growing older come the benefits.  One of them is growing out of the confining relationship children can have with their parents.  Do they offer up the same type of criticism or guilt upon their friends or acquaintances that they aim at you?  If they can’t see you as strong, capable and healthy being the person you are, it is now up to them to change their expectations.
You get to choose the people that you bring into your inner circle.  The friends and family that bring you happiness, strength and structure are the ones that help turn you into a better version of yourself.  And what better thing could you want from the people that you surround yourself with?  You seem to have done well in that regard, so why stop listening to you instincts now when they have served you so well so far.
Duane-
I don’t know you but I relate to a lot of what you say on your blog. Families suck, but that lil babe would be missing out on knowing you. I agree w/docjohnboy. Sorry for the unsolicited advice.
I am estranged from my family and it sucks. I know nothing is Norman Rockwell but I’d love to just have a family dinner and then sit near the fireplace and play Scrabble
Everyone who’s shitting all over Duane relating his personal experience and feelings here should kindly blow it out their ass.
Duane,
I just want to start out by saying that I LOVE YOU and always will!! Our families suck and they don’t know how to have a relationship with us - didn’t when we were young and still don’t now in our adult lives. You have to do what makes you feel good - that may change from time to time as you grow older. My father - like your mom and dad call me on my birthday. Always call at a time I’m not home and leave a message. I never return the call and he never calls back. In return I call him on his birthday and he makes me leave a message (caller ID).
As for Shannon’s baby - you are related to him and he is too young to know you right now but that could change later. You can connect with him from a distance like I do with Michelle’s two boys. Send a toy now and then a picture and call. Your relationship can be between the two of you without her.
Here’s my thoughts on family - “cut your losses” - hold your head up and live your life!!
They call you once a year? Your relationship is twice as good as mine!
Amber, if duane is not prepared to hear positive and negative comments on his post, he should 1. Turn off comments or 2. Delete the offensive comments.
But thanks for sticking up for him. It’s hard to keep your mind narrow all on your own.
I have no idea what caused the distance between you and your family, but (in my humble opinion) you need to do what makes you feel best. It’s as simple or complex as you want to make it.
I agree that you don’t have to. I have an older sister that I adore. We had a great relationship with each other until she had kids and one day told me she didn’t feel comfortable telling them what gay is and wouldn’t tell them that it is normal. I still see them and talk to them (I love my nieces dearly…it’s not their fault), but things are not the same. My sister says it’s only me that’s changed and I agree. I changed once I found out how she really feels about me. I don’t HAVE to be around someone who thinks what I am is abnormal or wrong or a bad influence on her children.
You’re right Dave, it’s a real back-breaker. Thank [deity] I’ve got you around to do the heavy lifting for me.
No prob Amber. That’s what I’m here for.
casinogames