I am probably one of the most self conscious people alive. I worry about what people think about me. I worry about how people perceive me. I know that I shouldn’t give a shit, but you know what, I do. In fact, I think that for some people, it is actually a natural reaction. Perception causes me to doubt myself more than it should, and it sometimes can be something that is so big, that I can’t control it. Take for instance my appearance. By all accounts, most people would say that by looking at me, that I am not fat by any accounts. But, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the opposite. I see myself as very fat and wholly imperfect. And it totally affects how I act around other people. Sometimes, I find myself (unconsciously) seeking approval from people in order to calm down my own self consciousness. I know that this can be annoying to people, but the fear that I am flawed outweighs my better judgement, and that honestly bugs the shit out of me. I try really hard to tell myself that no one is perfect and that I should just get over it, but, at least up until now, that has never worked. I guess that I am not really seeking resolution here by talking about this, I am more just reflecting on something that really bugs me, that I feel like I have no power over.
Today, I am going to a pool get together, and already, I feel the self conscious bug creeping in. Drinking at the party will of course make me forget some of that self consciousness, but it will always be there, making me feel bad about myself. Isn’t anxiety and self deprecation a bitch? Is it worse for people that have a history of being made fun of and ridiculed as a child? I sometimes wonder if things would have been different growing up, if I would still be so self conscious. I also wonder if the pressures of society, and specifically gay society, weren’t so high, that I wouldn’t feel that need to be “perfect”. Well, I guess I will continue to wonder that as I get ready to go shirtless for the pool party. Maybe people will focus on the tattoo more than the extra 10 pounds I am lugging around. At least, I those are the words of wisdom I will use to calm my being so self conscious until the beer kicks in!
Note: This is in no means a ploy to get sympathy from folks, it is seriously a airing of my thoughts. This is something that bugs me every moment of my life, and I felt like sharing it, because, well, it is on my mind. Anyone else have thoughts on this? Have any of you overcome your self consciousness, and have great advice on how to do it? I am all ears.
Lisa likes you btw…
Duane, I’m the same way and it’s exhausting and so frustrating.
I used to be self-conscious. I don’t know exactly how or why I stopped caring. But do you honestly love yourself and who you are, knowing that you’ve only done you’re best and that the people who really love you know that as well? I think that’s key for me. Your opinion of yourself is the most important one. Can you live with it?
Damn typos. I meant “your” best.
I’m so bad that I’ve become totally anti-social. It doesn’t get easier as I get older either. It’s a vicious circle in that my shyness comes over as rudeness or lack of personality which makes people dislike me which in turn makes me even more reserved and anxious.
You are the Coolest, Smartest and Best looking guy I know!! You suffer from the years of being told how cute you were and being told how great you were and now feeling like you have to live up to those expectations - real or not real.
Love yourself for what you are and only then can you get over worrying about what other think of you. Your wit and personality will take where you need to go in life. Stop feeling like you have to “look the part”. You are BEAUTIFUL - inside and out!!!! LOVE YA - LOTS!!!!
I don’t think it’s a generalization to say that we all have our insecurities…..I just think they lose their ‘power’ over you….as ya get older. In the past couple of years I’ve been saying to myself, “I don’t give a rat’s ass if people have a problem with anything about me…as far as looks or what’s on the inside….I’m completely comfortable in my own skin….and that’s all that matters” Saying something like that and actually believing it…is a process!
Honey, I know where you’re coming from, but from a different perspective I think. I grew up as a fat kid- always the ridicule of some joke. Then I lost weight and got trim and looked pretty good - but still felt VERY self-concious. I am not quite as thin as I was, but even back then I felt as though everyone was judging me as “the fat kid”. I’m now bigger than I’d like to be, but I have the love of a man who accepts me as I am and encourages me to just be happy - even as he scarfs down a huge portion of tiramisu to keep his trim 30″, 6′2″ figure.
This Pride day one of his friends whipped off my shirt (a sleeveless T I had actually bought for my boyfriend in that I thought he’s really like me showing off the muscles I actually have and looking like the little muscle bear I wish I were) and all I got were approving whistles and guys coming on to me- made me kinda think that perhaps all my self-concious tendencies really were based on my own insecurities and weren’t based in reality. Until, that is, I realized that not only was I drunk but the 30 guys around me were also drunk and most likely turned on my ANY display of man flesh.
I say, try not to focus on those things that we dislike about ourselves; rather focus on what makes us happy and delightful to the men who love us as much as we’re supposed to love ourselves.
When I was younger I used to feel really self-conscious about the way I looked. As I’ve gotten older, I have more of a “fuck it” attitude. Hopefully, you’ll get that way too. It makes life A LOT easier.
No need to worry about your extra 10lbs when we get to Hilton Head. The extra 20 I’ve got will literaly overshadow that.
I’m seconding what Eric said about focusing on what makes us good. The stuff that others love about us instead of what we hate about ourselves. Ultimately that’s what counts in the long run. And I’ll tell you this, as I get older the things that used to make someone attractive to me pale in comparison to what I find attractive now (integrity, character, being a REAL person).
While I fully understand your post,I wholeheartedly disagree that you are fat or unattractive. You are quite good looking and smart and funny. How do I know this…. I saw you naked last night!
OMG - I’m just glad I’m not the only one. This is something rarely talked about but I think most people feel it. It causes major anxiety in a lot of social situations.
Hope the party went well though.
I think it can definitely be much worse for people who were made fun of - scratch that; abused - growing up. Of course, I have no experience other than my own to reflect on, so… I guess take that with the appropriate serving of salt? But I’ve heard it echoed from many people who’ve had similar experiences (like yourself here, for example!)
I recognize that I am still carrying around a lot of bullshit baggage from over 10 years ago. It pisses me off that the idiotic behavior of 13-year-olds can continue to affect me as an adult, but that’s the way it goes. Hence, therapy!
Over time, and thanks in part to therapy and in part to a LOT of introspection, reflection, self-examination, etc., I’ve overcome a lot of my insecurities and put a lot of the baggage behind me. But it’s still there, in spades, in some places. The biggest is anything having to do with athleticism, or sports, or exercise. This is why taking the pole dancing class is such a huge deal for me. Yes, getting in shape is great, and that’s a big part of it; but the even bigger part of it is facing head-on those old insecurities, the messages I unconsciously repeat to myself about how much I suck, and the fears that everyone will point and laugh (so far, no one has).
Hmm, you have inspired me, perhaps I will write about this on my own blog soon.
And, glad you had fun at the pool party - or at least, Rusty said you seemed to be enjoying yourself!
I think of the friends that I have with “less than perfect” bodies, and I ask myself do I think less of them? No - and as someone who is selfconscious, I admire their bravery in not hiding and living life fully. So stop thinking your friends are shallow :p
And I have an open offer to anyone that wonders about their looks - send me the nudes and I’ll be the judge
Not to drag down the tone, but, eh, f*ck what other people think.
Olin Miller is quoted as saying, “You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” Which is so, so true.
Also, because we homos are more pre-disposed to low self-esteem, there is a that critical eye turned inward thing that happens.
Just remember that other people’s perceptions of you won’t ever change how you feel about yourself.
I love you duane!!! This is not sympathy, just fact!!!!!
BTW, I made it on Dlisted today!!! http://www.dlisted.com, scroll down for the story about Jordan!!
Dearest, beautiful skinny Duane. Yes I said skinny. My first reaction as a fat person still working on it, my first reaction is fuck bitch! You have NO RIGHT to call yourself fat. Skinny people that say that piss me off. But then I think, I would still see myself that way at 150 lbs. so I totally understand where you’re coming from. Even in my middle state off fat affairs, at pools I just say “fuck it”. Ask Ted, I’ll jump in the pool in all my glory. I don’t give a shit. Well, not true, I do or I wouldn’t still keep working on losing weight. Maybe it’s because I swim with the swim team and swim and shower with a bunch of swimmer’s bodies, if you know what I mean. But honeestly dude. I’ve seen enough pictures of you to know that if you put up one with your shirt off. I’d put it up on my blog, your adorable, just ask James if you don’t believe me.
Personal way of dealing with what you think other people “might be thinking” F*** WHAT YOU PEOPLE THINK!
Hope that helped. BTW Really enjoyed hanging out, looking forward to more games coming in the mail. Catch ya later.
Personal way of dealing with what you think other people “might be thinking” F*** WHAT YOU PEOPLE THINK!
Hope that helped. BTW Really enjoyed hanging out, looking forward to more games coming in the mail. Catch ya later.
duane, you are such a hottie it is ridiculous. i know it’s hard, but know that the rest of the world sees you as an incredibly beautiful–physically and emotionally–person. i love you and i miss you.
hey! u don’t know me, but i have the same problem, although my selfconsciousness is not as focused on appearance as much as everything else about me;how i talk, how i act, and what i do. I guess it really has to do with how u feel about yourself. It’s been almost 4 years, and it’s terribly annoying! so did ur situation get any better?