Do you ever feel like you are just in a weird place, for one reason or another, in your life? Mine is more of a day to day thing; some days, I feel great (!), and other days, I would rather just stay in bed. Today is one of those “in bed” days. Now, I know that this is all related to my depression, but in addition, I have had a few things on my mind lately, and I felt it befitting to discuss them on my blog, since, well, it is supposed to be my online journal or whatever.
Regardless, here goes:
I got a picture, from my cousin no less (note, not from the actual mother, or my mother for that matter), of my nephew. Interestingly enough, when I was looking at the photos, which had my mom and my sister in them, I couldn’t help but feel like I was looking at someone else’s family. While I know that it was my mom and my sister, they just felt like strangers to me. To those that know me, it is no secret that I don’t have much of a relationship with most of my family, and to those of you that are just finding that out, well, um, there isn’t much else to say other than it’s true.
But seeing those photos made me feel even more separate.
You see, the last time I talked with my sister, was on her birthday (a couple of weeks after the birth), and the last time I spoke with either of my parents was that same day (mother’s day). I have had no updates on this nephew, and no word whatsoever as to the well being of my mother, father, or sister. Before you suggest this, I know what you are thinking, “why not call them/her?”; but honestly it just isn’t that simple, considering that I have called them/her (a few times), and I get nothing but voicemail and no return phone call. If James or I call, even if it is as trivial as to ask a question about landscaping (which my parents are great at), we don’t even get a call back.
The result, is that I feel as if I have been excluded, pushed out, of my own family, and that they expect me to claw my way back in. I feel as if I have tried so hard to get attention, affection, anything, that I am just worn down to the point of sheer exhaustion and apathy. I just feel like, if they don’t want me, then I am through trying so hard to get them to want me. I just want to move on. But a part of me can’t (or won’t), and so it makes me anxious.
The worst part, is that when I don’t call, and when I stop trying to claw my way in, they eventually do come around and call (months later), only to guilt me for not calling sooner. They guilt me because they haven’t seen me. They guilt me, and by doing so, relinquish all of the blame for my absence back on to me. And that is why I don’t call. To avoid the guilt. To avoid the hidden blame. To avoid talking to strangers. I can’t call again. I am just too tired.
Honestly, even though I am tired, worn, and apathetic, I still feel that guilt (funny thing, guilt, you feel it even if you don’t want to), I still feel that exclusion, and I want it to stop; but I can’t even begin to know how to make it stop. I have to learn a way to keep myself from feeling this way because of what they do, or in this case, what they don’t do. The weird place this has put me in these past few days tells me that maybe it is best that I am arms length, because cutting the cord (albeit, a worn, tattered, almost broken cord) won’t be so difficult. But under that, in the back of my mind I fear that when I do cut the cord it really will be over, and I really will be out for good. I fear that they really don’t want me, and that this isn’t just forgetfulness or busyness on their part, but actual apathy and abandonment. And this makes me anxious and tired, but unable to act. Unwilling to act. Powerless. I just wish I could change what I need to change, in order to make my life more of what I want it to be, rather than what someone guilt-ed for me.
Love you.
ditto… you rock dude.
Good for you for writing this out.
Hugs, etc. You are awesome.
Team AWESOME!
You know how it is around the home town and a new Baby is sure to put many important things on the back burner. I believe your family loves you Dude. And Family will always make you feel it’s your fault for lack of communication. ::hugg:: Smack a few Bitches down, they’ll learn to respect a Brother.
“There’s one more thing you better understand: I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture, I can even pat myself on the back when necessary… All so I don’t have to ask anyone for anything. There’s nothing I need from anyone except for love and respect, and anyone who can’t give me those two things has no place in my life.” (Torch Song Trilogy)
(Telling my Oprah voice to shut up) My parents had 20 years to get used to the fact that I’m gay when I invited them to John’s and my commitment ceremony. Their response was to make sure I was aware that they didn’t think that gay people should have the same legal protections straight people do and that they thought our relationship was a “violation of god’s plan”.
Now if they had shared that opinion with me at just about anyother time, I might have been able to go - O.K. you’re stupid, I thought that when I was 16 and now you’re just proving that I was right all along. It was calculated. Now they can talk about how their homosexual son rejected them, my mom can cry in church on Mother’s day (but not remember how to use the phone for the last 3 years).
Whatever… I don’t have time for that drama. I still enjoy a great relationship with my sisters. If my parents ever want to spend time with me again, they can come to me, get to know me, and show me why I should care.
It is good to write out feelings like this. Although my down times are different than yours, we all get them.
While reading, I was wondering if the distance with your family has always been there, is it a ‘gay’ issue, or something else?
As for the guilt issue… You can’t be guilted into something if you’ve done nothing wrong. You can be emotional over it, but it’s not guilt. Remember that. You haven’t done anything wrong. “I feel guilty for…” is such an overused statement in our society. If you cheated someone, didn’t pay child support, killed your neighbor’s cat…those are things to feel guilt for.
To call your family and not get a reply, but only comments months later about being distant …that’s just fact, you are, but for reason. Also, if you let them upset you, they will.
I just wonder if you’ve ever called them out on it. When they say things like that do you tell them how you are feeling, or just take their words?
I hope you feel better. Be well.
I Love ya!! Sorry to have made you so sad by sending the pictures ((((BIG HUG)))) We really need to talk more often to vent over the family things. Hold your head up - YOU ARE LOVED!! Some people live with their heads in a box - dark and suffocating - never to see the world for the true beauty it holds in the different peolpe that walk the grounds - they die never knowing how pretty the rainbow is - they don’t stop to see it because it is different. We come from a family that lives in a box and they don’t really care to know that just outside of their box lives many interesting people - some like them and many unlike them. They kick out those that don’t fit their narrow minded views and then poke fun at them to keep them at arms length. They spit fire balls to hurt them and talk with forked tounges - they breed hate. You cannot control their views - only stop them by not allowing them to be your views. Yes, it hurts to be on the outside looking in and not really knowing the people we should be so close to. Make your own life and live it filled with love -not hate. They are the ones who lose in all of this - not you. Cut your losses and be happy!! In time you will see that they are doing the best they can with the values that they were given. They choose not to be happy and to not accept others - You should choose LOVE. I LOVE YA!!!!!!!!!!
wendy, you are the BEST cousin a guy could hope for. Don’t worry, you didn’t make me sad with the pics, it just drudged up stuff that was already there; no need to worry. Miss you!
Back at ya - YOU are the BEST cousin anyone could ever have!! Miss ya and LOVE YA LOTS!! :>)
Your blog is the PERFECT vehicle for you to write this stuff down. I think everyone who stops by here daily cares for you. I think what you might consider doing is just flat out ask your family where you fit in their lives. It will be hard to do. But you might get some answers that you need.
I’m sorry you are feeling like this and that you have these problems with your family. I didn’t know. I would have assumed you had a great relationship with them like you seem to have with everyone else. This may be a silly question but have you ever tried discussing the way you feel with them? If so, did you come to any kind of resolution or did it make things worse?
Hey D,
Have you addressed this issue directly with them? I’m not one for confrontation, but if you sit down with someone and bring up a subject like this directly, they have to at least answer you. I mean, they won’t just sit there and stare at you… have you ever asked them what this is all about?
I don’t know, to my mind you should keep pinging away at them, be the good son even if they don’t deserve it. How else are they going to come around?
This is all horribly hypocritical of me, since I haven’t spoken to my own father in over ten years, but it sounds like things aren’t that bad yet with your family. I hope things can get better, even a little bit at a time.
everyone is always so jealous that i have this great mother. she knows i’m gay. she loves me to death. she will always be a part of my life whether i want her to be or not. everyone always says i’m so lucky… but the truth is, my mom and i get along so well because we don’t take any of each other’s shit. we call each other out on everything. in the case of my relationship with my mother, honesty is the best policy. i would never let her get away with this stuff your family is pulling on you.
that being said… once upon a time, a reader wrote into marilyn von savant (a noted genius and columnist for parade) asking her, in her genius opinion, whether he should choose his friend or his family (i guess the reader had some sort of personal crisis or what not). marilyn responded that he should, all other factors being equal, pick his friend because friends are the people we choose to share our lives with while our family are those we’re forced to share our lives with. according to a genius, friends are the family we pick, and that trumps everything.
I don’t discuss my family on my blog, & I don’t talk about them - ever- to anyone except *rarely* my partner. I haven’t seen nor communicated with any of my family except my brother & father in 7 years. That’s because my mother disowned me, & took the rest of the family with her. My parents almost divorced over it, until I finally asked my father 2 years ago to drop it & not bring me up to her. The only way I convinced him to do so was to tell him, “I’m through.” I didn’t mean it at the time, but it broke my heart to see my father torn just because my mother is a bitch.
Now. Having said all that, I’ll tell you this. No one - NO one - can tell me anything about my family, because I won’t listen. No one has a clue what it’s like if their family is still part of their lives. It’s just not possible to fathom or even really sympathize unless you’ve had the very people who are supposed to love you unconditionally turn away from you.
And having said that, I’ll tell you I can’t count the hours I cried while people would tell me one day she’d come around. All these years I refused to let my father show me family pictures. I saw her for the first time recently, & sat in quiet for a moment to see what I felt. All I thought was, “Wow, she’s really old. She looks like Grandmother.”
They may come around, & if so, this will bring you closer. They may not, & you may be in the process of mourning the loss of your family. To that I’ll say you just don’t know, & the more you try to figure it out, the more you’ll hurt. But do what you need to do. Listen to yourself, not anyone else. No one else was there while you grew up with them.
It took me 6 years to mourn the loss of my mother, & only for about a year can I say I’m really through. I’ve really let her go, & *thank god*. I never think about her unless I’m forced to (like hearing the phrase, “your mother,” for example.) I’ll still tear up a little if I think hard about it (like now), but, eh. Such is life. I have no mother & life goes on. I’m a stronger man because of the loss, & I know a hell of a lot more about unconditional love because of it. Sometimes I’m even glad! When I listen to friends cry over family problems, I get to think, “thank god I don’t have to deal with that shit!
Enough rambling. See, sometimes I think she might secretly read my blog. But I know she’d never find me here. Sorry for the dam opening up, but I couldn’t resist chiming in as someone who can understand. I’m sorry that you have to go through it, but be proud of the fact that you’ll be a better man because of it. They may be withholding love from you, but that just gives you more love to give to the people who worked to deserve it.
Be well.
This support shown here is the point of pride month. Thanks for being open. Love is thicker than blood.
I’ll echo what others have said. It’s good for you to write it down. It’s good for someone like me, who feels similarly, to feel some kinship, even if it’s from far away in the dirrrrty South.
Dang man.. I’m sorry to hear about your estranged relationship with your family. Kudos to you for keeping your head up this whole time.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this with your family. It’s an awful truth that the people that you love the most are the people who can hurt you the worst.
*massive hugs*
If you ever need to vent or cry or anything, call me. I’m here for you, sweetie.
I can only imagine how rough that is. I don’t have any advice for you, although with the kind of support you’ve got and the logic with which you wrote this all out, I don’t think we have to worry.
I can relate to what you are saying…..in so many ways…..whenever I visit a home of a family member…..I see pictures on their shelves hugging other family members…hanging with their friends….having a grand time…..but I as of yet…..have not encountered a picture of myself in any photo…..in any home…..of any relative of mine!!! I try not taking any of this personally….but in my home…..I have pictures of every person I hold dearly….displayed everywhere…..and I get the same feeling when I look at pictures of most of my siblings and parents….I find myself trying to figure out what makes them tick…..and what they are thinking….because they feel foreign to me.