Well, we survived the Arnson wedding; too much drinking is an understatement. Either way, we had a lot of fun, and offer supreme congratulations to the Arnsons; even though James and I can’t get legally married ourselves. Kidding. Well, sort of. Either way, it was a blast, and we are honored we were included.
Yesterday, while I was laying on the couch recovering from the previous night’s reception, I found myself on the discovery health channel watching shows about medical marvels and mysteries, and it got me thinking; we are so freaking lucky. There are people that are born every day with major problems, and many of them never survive. Those that do survive these horrible afflictions undergo surgery and constant suffering, just to live day to day. It really puts things in perspective, and begs that one be grateful for what they have.
But to be honest, all it does it makes me feel guilty for what I do have, especially considering that I find myself depressed and unhappy even though I have them. I know that depression is not ungratefulness, but hey, I am a self-deprecating type of person, so you should expect that from me, right? I should be able to see the great things that I have, but it is almost like I am blinded by something I can’t control. I am powerless to keep it from overshadowing what is good in my life, and that sucks. I am doing what I can to get through it, but it is hard, and things like this just make me feel even more guilty. Hopefully, I can parlay that guilt into something positive, right?
Either way, I am going to try and be grateful today for what I have, and focus on how good things actually are; maybe today won’t be a “bad” depression day for me because of that; and that is all I could hope for. Hope your Mondays are great, kittens.
Honey, I used to have exactly the same thoughts. My mum had some VERY serious health issues that brought her to the brink of death several times during my childhood and she fought back from each and every one of them. Even having experienced this firsthand, I still find some myself struggling with dissatisfaction, depression, loneliness and extreme mood swings. I used to think that it was just hormonal (yes, guys get that too) or that I was just ungrateful for what I had done or accomplished in life. But you know what I started to realize? Each and every one of us has SOMETHING we’re fighting for or railing against. Some of us have debilitating medical conditions, some of us have mental games to play - and others of us fight depression. There’s no explaining it, its just the fight we each have to deal with. Give yourself the measure of respect for your battle as you would give someone else, honey. You’re worth it (and I, for one, am glad you survived the wedding - I have a lesbian wedding to go to on Saturday myself… And if Sebastian and I ever decide to get hitched, I’ll invite you and James so you two can show us all how y’all manage to drink so much! LOL)
Biggest hugs sweetie!
This weekend was a blast. I’m glad all the bloggers were there.
You are blinded by something - it’s called depression! That’s a very apt description of what depression is like. And remember I say this as someone who’s had a history of clinical depression since I was a teenager.
I know where you are coming from w/ the guilt stuff. I always do my damnedest to fight those feelings off, bc I know they are irrational and unproductive, but sometimes they creep back. A therapist a few years ago asked me if I was raised Catholic, bc I had so much irrational guilt! I had to LOL at that. (And no, I was not raised Catholic!)
I think I will do the same… but just for today. Tomorrow I want to go back to being an ungrateful bitch. Unless I really like the awesomeness of not being one.
It’s sort of human nature to always want more, no matter how fortunate we are, we all do it. Don’t feel selfish or bad, you’re a great person Duane!
I realized a long time ago just how fortunate I am. For that, I’m grateful. Besides, like my Mom always says, ‘no matter how damn bad you think you have it, there are loads of people who have it a lot worse.’ I always try and remember that.
Well, if that works for you then more power to you, but those very words from my Mom are what gave me this massive guilt complex, and taught me to devalue my own emotional needs.
Hang in there Duane. I envy a lot of what you have and you do have a lot to be thankful for but having someone tell you like Amber said “it could always be worse”, or watching TV seeing someone with some horrible condition, doesn’t really matter when you have depression. I hate when people tell me that. Because yes there’s always people out there worse off than you and better off, but when you go to bed at night, it’s just you and your problem(s), and they are no more insignificant than anyone else’s.