That is the last line from the comments on this post, where I was pondering the dynamic of friends and friendships; both in development and maintenance of individual and group friendships. I said that I would come back to this topic, and I didn’t realize it had been so long since I wrote the original post; so I hope that you’re able to keep going with me…
The reason I chose Karen’s statement, is because that is exactly how I feel. A lot of other people identified that they were in close friend groups, a lot of people said they didn’t have any friends, pretty much the whole gamut was expressed, much as I expected. But, what I didn’t expect, is that most people didn’t identify why they held on to these friends, and why those friend groups still thrived. I think that Karen’s statement of comparing gaining and keeping friends as an adult to dating is spot on; it takes work on both of your part to find out whether you are compatible, and eventually, you have to start calling each other back. I find that is why I think many of my friend groups have drifted apart, a little bit of drift came from a lot of not calling people back, and it spiralled out of control. Simple as that. And the weird thing is, it is never just one person, it is a combination of everyone doing it at different times.
I definitively identify the calling mechanism as a culprit, because I can accurately predict what is going to happen this weekend. See, this weekend, James and I are going to a party for that group of friends that I am in, where we used to be tight, but now, we have sort of drifted apart. Sure, we still do things together (only every once and a while though), and sometimes we talk, but it is pretty rare, and usually coincidental (seeing them at the grocery store or something). What I predict, is that when we all get back together for this party, and realize that hey, we ARE friends, and have a good time, then we are going to say things like, “We really should hang out more often” and “I really miss hanging out with you, this is fun! Let’s get together again soon”. It is inevitable, because we ARE friends, but we are, for one reason or another, not friends who do things together anymore, even though we express the interest and desire to do so; and the weird part, is that we are all partly to blame.
With that being said, perhaps I will (and I have been trying to big time), and I encourage my other friends to do the same, follow up with people, and get back to them. Try my best to hang out with people, in order to prevent losing touch… because it seems that once it starts, it can turn into this situation. What I have gained from the analyzation of friend group dynamics, is that it is a lot like dating and relationships; they only stay together if you work hard at it, and both of you try. Here’s hoping that me and all of my friends do a good job at that for years to come.
You are absolutely spot on with this one. It requires effort from BOTH people to make a friendship work. Now that I’m back to work and don’t have the time to be chasing down people to do stuff I’m pretty sure my herd of friends will thin out significantly. The good news is that so far the ones I really care about seem to be “sticking” which leads me to believe that I made good choices with these friendships in the first place.
I’ve made one close friend in the last 20 years; it’s as stressful as dating which I hate. If the bf and I break up I will probably die single. Every time I socialize with a new group of people I feel uneasy for several days afterwards, analyzing every conversation in my head and wondering if I made a complete ass of myself. I think there is something wrong with me.
Wow. Who knew anyone ever listened to me?
Sometimes I find that I end up being friends with people just because they do all the work of calling me and setting up get-togethers. If I had to put in the effort, I probably would never hang out with them in the first place.
I’ve sworn that I’m going to try harder. I really have.
But…awww…you linked my name to Patrick’s blog. I mean, you know…he’s my best friend and I love him and all, but I wouldn’t want to be mistaken for him.
Karen: travelingspotlight.com is the address that you put for both of your entries!!! What is your website?
Woops!!! He’ll love to know that I’ve been commenting with his blog address.
It’s http://tunagirl.blogspot.com
That is funny! I will go back and correct your address in the comments you left; you know, I thought it was you…
The title of this entry is exactly right, and it encapsulates a problem I’ve been having lately with a friend of mine, who I’ll call Diana. Diana is younger than I am (she’s 24, I’m 35), and of the opposite sex. It seemed like we were on the road to becoming pretty good friends, which was significant to me because, well, I’m 35, and it’s not so easy to make good friends anymore. But lately, I’ve been making all of the effort, which pisses me off and makes me feel like an idiot. Not being the type to hide my feelings, I’ve been blunt about the fact that I don’t like the situation, that I’d like to be better friends, etc. Her reaction: she doesn’t understand why friendship should require effort, and she’s freaked out because talking about it sounds like the kind of conversation people in a romantic relationship would have.
And I agree that it does sound like that, which is weird — especially because we’re both married. But how else do you make the point that you’re unhappy that a friendship is on the wane? You either deal with it, and have the relationship-sounding conversation, or you stew about it and express your dissatisfaction in other ways. Usually worse ways.
A big part of the problem, I think, is that my friend is just out of school. In school, you see the same people all the time, you’re doing the same things, etc. In that situation, friendships just happen. Or at least they seem to, because the circumstances are such that the effort involved in friendship is minimal.
Outside of that realm, however — i.e., in the adult world of work, family, and other non-negotiable obligations — friendships don’t just happen anymore. Even my best friends, whom I’ve known for 20+ years and who live only a few miles away, I don’t see more than twice a month, on average. That takes its toll. Those people are still my “best friends,” but it’s partly by default: there’s no one to step into the breach.
Anyway, this has been bugging me a lot, so I was looking for things to read to help understand what the problem is. Thanks for the post and the discussion.