You know, sometimes, I honestly feel like I am drowning, but for one reason or another, I am just too lazy or unmotivated to do anything about it. And it isn’t for lack of trying, either. No matter how hard I try to break through the surface, I stay there, running out of air. I think of what is good in my life, and try to focus on how to get through that situation. I know that all I need to do is take the next step, and actually swim to the surface, but for whatever reason, I can’t. Something in me is comforted by the strange sensation of almost slipping away. Eventually, I do start to realize that I have to surface, but usually, I only come up long enough to get enough air so that I can go under again; and the whole process repeats itself.
That is how I have felt for the last year or so… drifting, treading water underneath the surface, unable to break out of my pattern of lazy desires and no actions. My friends and my partner all joke that I have too many irons on the fire to focus on one cohesive elemental dream to follow. I agree, but still I ponder those changes, underneath the surface.
Every time I come close to turning blue, I always manage to convince myself that things are great, that this is just a snag in the grand design; yet still I lazily tread there, waiting for something. It is almost like I know so much better than to do this, but fuck if I am still right there. I am not sad or depressed or anything like that; I am just not content. I am just numb to what is going on around me. Sure, most of my life fucking rocks, and I totally know and acknowledge every component of that; but when a huge component doesn’t rock, and you feel like you have been coasting for the past 3 years, then, it starts to overshadow all the good stuff. James and I are awesome, I am not talking about us. I couldn’t be happier; and in fact, I think that is why I need to fix everything else. I need to come up for air and get out of the damn water.
I need to do something now, and fast. I am going to use this as my motivation. I am going to use this to hold myself accountable. I have made some changes (still on the Abs Diet, yo! week 4!), but it is time to make some more. I have got to focus, so that I can stop this recapitulating cycle of numbness. But I guess my only trepidation lies in three simple little letters; how. Well, today is going to be about searching within myself to try and figure that out, and I hope upon hope that I can keep that going, because damn, I am in need of some fresh air.
ahh, the how. i’ll take the who’s and the what’s and the where’s and why’s any day. well, maybe not always the why’s. but you get my drift.
I feel your pain man. Lately I’ve had a lot of similiar thoughts. My solution to the ‘how?’ was to get out and get more involved in different things, ie. the atlbloggers. I’ve also started going to the gym and as you know, am looking into getting into grad school. My hope is that by pushing myself into actually doing something/anything, I’ll either forget the ‘numbness’ (as you put it) or it will fade away. Of course, I had identified my ‘numbness’ as being a feeling of inadequacy to all my friends that were married, having kids, and moving on to the next stage of their life while I was still the same guy I had been with little change for several years. It’s not like I’m itching for marriage or for kids (hell no!) but the feeling that I wasn’t progressing as others were was really getting to me. So my solution of getting out and doing new things was more-or-less a way to meet new people and gain new experiences. Here’s hoping it works…
I can relate Duane so much. I too feel I have to go a little numb to some of my life just to be able to deal with it. Numb to how I look, numb to my job, numb to my boyfriend’s situation (having a daughter with another woman) and sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating.
Well, you can always do what I did. Get fired. That pretty much was a great kick-in the pants to motivate me to get on my own graphic design-wise and go balls out for the mortgage thing. That’s the way I look at it anyway. If not I would have probably stayed in my nice meager little safety net of a salaried job.
Wow. That is exactly how I feel. I’ve felt like I’ve been drowing for the past three years or so.
I can blame it on being a parent, and assume that it will get better as the kids get older.
Or I can do something now, I suppose.
Damn it. I’m going to go make some phone calls right now.
THANK YOU for posting this.
Duane, I know exactly how you feel. And if you’re like me, you then feel guilty and bitchy and selfish for having those thoughts or feeling that way, and you go out of your way to explain (to yourself?) that feeling this way doesn’t mean you aren’t recognizing all the good things in your life or that you’re taking them for granted.
ANYWAY! I really relate to this part in particular:
Oh and btw - you rock, Duane!
I’m right there with you, sweetie. I haven’t taken the proper jumps yet ($40K in debt for culinary school anyone?), and I’m just coasting until the unexpected pebble gets caught up in my roller skates and sends me flying into a stucco wall.
We shall talk more of this at trivia. I might even drink beer. (Hmmm… beer with vicodin could be a problem, though.)
In the BoyScouts we worked on surviving in the water for over an hour with no support. The key was not to swim but to float and conserve energy. Life is so much like that. Sink, swim, or die they say. But you also have me to try to keep your head above the water. I live with you so I understand your struggle, but you’re right to be working on this now. Life is to short to waste it. Hang in there honey.
Aw, James is too cute!
You just need to hang out with me more, D. Mwah!
Is it wrong to be picturing James in a Scout Leader uniform right now?…
I get where you’re coming from too, I think most of us have felt similarly. On a practical level, maybe work at pinpointing what might be changed/improved? On a personal level, maybe give up some things that are overwhelming you or dragging you down, and maybe take up something new (something creative maybe) that is going to give you a sense of acheivement.
Sometimes changing just one thing has an unexpectedly good result. I’ve been working hard on improving my health and giving my self esteem a major boost by losing weight. Just focussing on that has snapped me out of a bout of depression that I didn’t even know I had!
That feeling of numbness was part of what I felt.
Numb can be comfortable. Ask Pink Floyd.
We all get into cycles sometimes, and it seems like you know you need to change, but you don’t know how to get the ball rolling.
Just take some deep breaths, think about it, and you will figure out what you need!
Sometimes I feel the same way too. Maybe I’m waiting for a lifeguard to save me, but that’s just wrong coz I need to learn how to save myself.
Okay, this sounds FAR too much like what I was going through for a very long time - and still slip back into if I don’t watch myself. The only thing that I found that was actually missing was a sense of WHY I was doing anything. I mean, what the hell was anything worth, really? Relationships and experiences were great - material things were shiny and pretty - but what the F*CK did it all matter?
Then I started meditating and it started to put it all into perspective. Not in a “Praise JAYSUS” kinda way, but more in the “Wow, all this really does get put into perspective…” kinda way…
Here’s to finding your way - and biggest Canadian hugs to speed you there…
Duane, I’ve described my own depression exactly like you have: laying on the bottom of the pool, letting my air out slowly, and waiting to drown. Then coming up for air at just the last minute, taking a deep breath, and going under again.
Eventually, I found I have something called “double depression,” an ongoing depressed-lite mood, with occasional bouts of full-out depression. What you described sounds just like my depressed-lite stuff.
For me, some lite pharmas and intermittent therapy usually do the trick. All the tips here sound great, and I should get to a few of them myself (especially Mingaling’s Colon Blow Oatmeal). But if you try everything suggested here, and a few weeks from now things are the same, you might think of talking to a medical type person, just to make sure everything is okay.
I didn’t know I had depression until a doctor told me, around ten years ago now. The sense of relief I felt that day, just knowing that it was a problem, with a name, that could be helped. There was no reason to grin and bear it—I was just sick.
Of course, your mileage may vary, and I’m no doctor. Hell, I don’t even play one on tv.
Is it a career thing or something else? I’m not exactly sure I understand. I’m catching up on a week’s worth of posts so you may address this later.