We all knew it would happen; it was just a matter of when. The until now “silent” Christian groups have finally come out publicly against Brokeback Mountain, and other gay and transgendered films like Capote and Transamerica; conveniently after all won awards for excellence at the recent Golden Globe awards. While many people in the blogosphere are focusing on the obvious lack of any mention about the content of Brokeback Mountain during the award show, as well as the awkward introduction by Dennis Quaid, I felt that I personally would like to focus on this very important Christian response to the aforementioned films winning awards.
In articles like this one, it is stated that the Christians are furious at Hollywood for promoting a gay or “leftist” agenda, and that organizations like the Hollywood Foreign Press are actually furthering that agenda by promoting and awarding films that “America isn’t watching”, and leaves the Christians wondering, “why are they winning the awards?”. Additionally, they tout that “Last night Hollywood exposed its own corrupt agenda. [It] is no doubt out on a mission to homosexualize America.” I read this, and honestly sat and thought to myself for a while; and I have come to only one conclusion: come clean. You are right Christians. The jig is up. You have caught us red-handed.
You have discovered our master-plan. That has been our goal all along; to homosexulize America. We just want to get America in bed with the gays; and now, you know. You see, it all started around 63 years ago, when the Hollywood Foreign Press began awarding the Golden Globes; we gays knew that this was our ticket. This was the way that we could win and “homosexualize” America. We knew that it was going to be a long struggle that we would have to commit to, and by God, now you know that we have; and we have at least one we can count as being in the win column.
It was long ago, when we began this mission, by brainwashing the Hollywood Foreign Press; but to make it easier for you to understand, I will use your term; we “homosexualized” them. We did it to them nasty. And after years and years of beating them down, and beating them off, they eventually gave in. They came around. We had them by the balls. Then, we just played with them slowly and deliberately over the last 60 or so years. All for this, all for this night, when a movie about two men in love, a “pet project” that “no one is watching” as you call it, would finally be awarded, not based on talent, merit, story, heart, feeling, compassion, truth, beauty, or love; but based solely on our homosexual powers of persuasion and manipulation. In fact, we were so good, the Hollywood Foreign Press came four times at our command, and rewarded us again, and again, and again, and aaaaagain. (Oh! Excuse me.) I, for one, commend you for finally seeing our diabolical plan, and finally discovering the nasty truth that we, the gays, have been pushing for decades. We are now exposed, out in the open, naked; but we make no excuses.
We began this manipulative journey to homosexulize America, and by God, we are going to stick with it. Just because you have found us out, don’t expect the homosexualization to end. We don’t care how many people we have to fuck to get what we want, we will just keep on coming. You can expect more movies, more TV shows, more print ads, more everything really; we want to paint the world in pink and lavender. I, for one, believe one of the reasons you had not discovered us sooner, and perhaps what you have not fully discovered or understood yet, Christians, is that we are everywhere. We are in your grocery stores, we are in your churches, we are in your schools, we are in your governments, and for some of you, we are in your beds. We will do whatever it takes to homosexualize each and every one of you. We will work our hands right down to the bone if we have to. We will never give in until we reach the climax of our operation, or, to put it in a way you would understand, until we have fully “homosexualized” America. 10% will soon become 100%; and there is nothing you can do about it. Simply knowing about our operation is not enough; we have gone far too deep and held out far too long for you to stop us from getting what we want. We are coming; and we are winning.
You will be assimilated into the homosexual lifestyle that we have been promoting; resistance is futile. We are here to assimilate you, and I suggest that you begin practicing your homosexual skills, because if there is one thing we do not tolerate, it is lousy lovers. We will also no longer be tolerating intolerance, hatred, bigotry, racism, anti-feminism, or, well, any ignorance from you Christians. We will make you harder, stronger, better. We will help you last longer, and get on the top. Then, we will flip you over; so you can show your better side. Be not afraid, it won’t hurt… that much. Who knows, after we get in, and you adjust, you might even like it.
Just to clarify, I wanted you to know that the homosexualization of America doesn’t actually begin now; for you see, we have been at this for years. But there is one thing that you must understand and believe as this plan of ours is exposed: we will eventually win you over; your ignorance and misplaced self-hatred will eventually fade; and one day, rather than turning your backs on your own sons and daughters, all of you will grow to appreciate what it truly means to be a friend of Dorothy. We will. We will. Homosexualize you. Oh yes. Oh yes. We will.
Hooray for the homosexualization of America!
…but could you leave me one straight guy or even a few bi ones?
Kim, MAYBE bi ones. We’ll see.
Haha!!
Well, you’ve made me LOL at work again, Duane. There is spittle all over my monitor. Thanks.
And, “homosexualize” is my new favorite transitive verb.
I can’t wait till this is complete… every love scene in every movie and tv show will be two chicks getting it on. Homosexual America is going to rule!
Bravo! Now that’s a history I can get behind!
Pun completely and utterly intended.
LOL. Some days I get so pissed off that I think we should go a different route - instead of trying to homosexualize everyone else, we should just make hetersexuality illegal. Put them all into hiding. Let’s ban straight marriage. Let’s ban straight sex. Procreation shall be limited to in vitro only after all parties are screened and selected for. Natural pregancy will be punishable by law. OMG, that’s the movie Fortress (really bad, don’t look it up…). And why should we consider this? Because of the moral deviance of straight folks. They kill. They rape. They pillage. They beat their kids. They show up on Jenny Jones with their fat babies who have no idea who their parents are. There is no time for moral ambiguity - most of the wrongs in this world are done by heterosexuals.
Okay, I’m so not serious, cuz if I were, why don’t we just wipe out human beings and hope we all come back as cockroaches? And I only wish that homosexuals weren’t racist either. But so many of us are. Or that more of us could be non-haters. But so many of us are. *sigh* North Americans… (which I am one!) But I also agree with you - yay for movies that are good that happen to feature queer folks!
I loved that Duane!! guess its time for me to go underground before they discover I am the ringleader.
As of today I have “turned” 4,185 men gay, I will speed up the pace though. We will rule one day soon!
When Brokeback won the award I did my best Mr. Burns “excellent” impression. I also do it everytime I see someone running around wearing something from A&F or Hollister too. That part of our sinister plan seems to be going EXTREMELY well. ; )
This whole religious anti-gay bullshit really depresses me. Maybe I was naive six years ago when I moved to America but I wasn’t aware that such a large section of this country was quite as narrowminded, conservative and homophobic as it is. Up until then my only first-hand experience here was in California, but for various reasons I wound up in Georgia. As a new U.S. citizen I hate to say this but sometimes I wish I was back in Europe.
I love this line, it’s a classic:
“We will also no longer be tolerating intolerance…”
Nicely put.
Bawhwhahahahahahahahah!!!!! Classic post Duane!!! What great laugh on a crazy crappy day. Thanks for that. You rock!
Also nicely put.
God bless America.
I always liked the being different aspect. Does this mean I’ll now have to become straight?
Yes, ted, it does. I’m just kidding! We want EVERYONE to be gay!
Can’t the damn Christians just be happy that the Narnia movie is doing so well. I mean, we all know the lion is really Jesus.
This is fantastic. I’m not sure whether to be proud or turned on right now - guess I’ll go with a little of both ;D
PS - awesome to meet you last night!
You know I think just by reading your blog I’ve turned gay…lol. Great post, nothing annoys me more than ignorance. I’m surprised it took them this long to attack BM.
you know, the term “homosexualize” seems alot like “anthropologizing”.. you think? maybe they inter-relate.. it could be a whole other school of thought. wouldn’t dr. matthews love that in her theory class?